Thursday, December 31, 2009
I READ THE NEWS TODAY (OH BOY!)
WASHINGTON (AFP) - US media on Tuesday published photos of the singed underwear that a Nigerian terror suspect allegedly wore to hide explosives in his failed attempt to blow up an airplane over the United States.
The pictures showed a packet of powder explosives that had been sewn into the crotch of the undergarment, as well as a charred, partially melted plastic syringe that held a liquid acid to detonate the bomb.
The specially modified, beige-colored briefs allegedly were worn by 23-year-old suspect Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab during his Christmas Day attempt to bring down the Detroit-bound Airbus A330 with 290 people on board.
According to charging documents last week, the bomb stashed inside Abdulmutallab's underwear contained about 80 grams of the explosive PETN, also known as pentaerythritol.
Hmmm, the DARTBOARD has its own questions:
o During questioning if he is caught making an untrue statement, will the FBI shout “LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!”
o If he succeeded and when to his heaven, will he able to perform with the 23 virgins that would be waiting for him?
o If he decided to put the explosives in his shoe instead, and it was Christmas Day, would he be labeled the MISSILE TOE BOMBER?
o If he had links to Al-Qaeda, might he also have links to YouTube, MySpace, and Ebay.
o If guilty, would it be proven that he had a package in his package?
* * *
The pictures showed a packet of powder explosives that had been sewn into the crotch of the undergarment, as well as a charred, partially melted plastic syringe that held a liquid acid to detonate the bomb.
The specially modified, beige-colored briefs allegedly were worn by 23-year-old suspect Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab during his Christmas Day attempt to bring down the Detroit-bound Airbus A330 with 290 people on board.
According to charging documents last week, the bomb stashed inside Abdulmutallab's underwear contained about 80 grams of the explosive PETN, also known as pentaerythritol.
Hmmm, the DARTBOARD has its own questions:
o During questioning if he is caught making an untrue statement, will the FBI shout “LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!”
o If he succeeded and when to his heaven, will he able to perform with the 23 virgins that would be waiting for him?
o If he decided to put the explosives in his shoe instead, and it was Christmas Day, would he be labeled the MISSILE TOE BOMBER?
o If he had links to Al-Qaeda, might he also have links to YouTube, MySpace, and Ebay.
o If guilty, would it be proven that he had a package in his package?
* * *
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
THE original ROAMIN' CATHOLIC
From the folks that gave you the POPE-MOBILE, and the comedy-musical dinner theater favorite THE LAST SUPPER (ha, ha -- where nobody left a tip), the lowdown of who some called Jesus (pronounced GEE-ZAS), while others call him Jesus (pronounced HAY-ZEUS), and while others (not many) called him the King of Pop (so wrong) -- but who we all know better as the name we all scream when we hit our thumb with a hammer.
There are many mysteries around this individual. One thing is clear, and all agree, is if he were alive today, he would be over 2,000 years old.
What is not clear is who this person was. Being that it was before John Lennon, internet, MTV and 60 Minutes, the many proofs are as different as are hamburger toppings.
From the Vatican (where the POPE lives), it’s now Saturday night, and here’s some of their newly released (sometimes shocking and irrelevant) findings:
3 proofs that JESUS was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
3 proofs that JESUS was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. His Mother was sure He was God.
3 proofs that JESUS was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with all His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
3 proofs that JESUS was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
3 proofs that JESUS was an Native American:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
3 proofs that JESUS was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the MOST compelling proof is that JESUS was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
AMEN
(errrr, AWOMEN)
There are many mysteries around this individual. One thing is clear, and all agree, is if he were alive today, he would be over 2,000 years old.
What is not clear is who this person was. Being that it was before John Lennon, internet, MTV and 60 Minutes, the many proofs are as different as are hamburger toppings.
From the Vatican (where the POPE lives), it’s now Saturday night, and here’s some of their newly released (sometimes shocking and irrelevant) findings:
3 proofs that JESUS was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
3 proofs that JESUS was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. His Mother was sure He was God.
3 proofs that JESUS was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with all His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
3 proofs that JESUS was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
3 proofs that JESUS was an Native American:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
3 proofs that JESUS was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the MOST compelling proof is that JESUS was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
AMEN
(errrr, AWOMEN)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Call her THE LADY WITH THE BALLS >> PSYCHIC KIKI
The LADY that possesses something all others can only wish for is here again, showing her made of crystal prizes as she always does.
Not shy, she tells what you want to know AND things you don’t. With just a little touch, here’s what she sees looking at them today:
Tyra Banks will have a male child and name it Sperm.
Florida will break away from the USA to be its own country and name Disneyworld as its capital city.
Laverne & Shirley, Thelma and Louise, will both admit to being lesbians.
Oprah will sing Opera.
Sesame Street’s Big Bird will donate her body to a starving African family.
Scientists will develop a pill to stop farts from smelling.
Sarah Palin will go back to school and get her high school diploma.
The Pony Express will return for environmental reasons.
The Pope will be caught text messaging the Bible to the world causing cell phones internationally to explode.
President Obama will spray-paint “B.O. WAS HERE “ on the Great Wall of China.
The first brain transplant will happen in Alaska to an unidentified midddle-aged woman – results of whether it was a success or not will not be revealed until the publication of her next book.
Men will no longer have to cough during physical examinations.
Toasters will be found to cause extreme global warming causing them to be outlawed and banned.
* * *
Monday, December 28, 2009
HOW NOT TO BE SO OFFENSIVE at work
>>> 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f*ck you’re doing.
>>> 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f*cking kiss *ss.
>>> 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: What will you f*ckin’ pay me for this?
>>> 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way.
>>> 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh*tting me!
>>> 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with someone.
INSTEAD OF: Go tell someone who gives a sh*t.
>>> 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f*cking problem.
>>> 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?
>>> 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won’t work.
>>> 10
TRY SAYING I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: I’ll see if I have the f*ckin’ time.
>>> 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his *ss.
>>> 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, do you mind sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die, *sshole.
>>> 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Tell me what’s the f*ckin’ problem.
>>> 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I’m busy.
>>> 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Listen again f*ckface.
>>> 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This is bullsh*t.
>>> 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck died and made you boss?
>>> 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s an *sshole and a pr*ck.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f*ck you’re doing.
>>> 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f*cking kiss *ss.
>>> 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: What will you f*ckin’ pay me for this?
>>> 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way.
>>> 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh*tting me!
>>> 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with someone.
INSTEAD OF: Go tell someone who gives a sh*t.
>>> 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f*cking problem.
>>> 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?
>>> 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won’t work.
>>> 10
TRY SAYING I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: I’ll see if I have the f*ckin’ time.
>>> 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his *ss.
>>> 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, do you mind sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die, *sshole.
>>> 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Tell me what’s the f*ckin’ problem.
>>> 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I’m busy.
>>> 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Listen again f*ckface.
>>> 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This is bullsh*t.
>>> 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck died and made you boss?
>>> 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s an *sshole and a pr*ck.
what BRA size are you?
{A} Almost Boobs
{B} Barely there
{C} Can't complain
{D} Damn it!
{DD} Double Damn it!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction
{H} Help me! I've fallen and can't get up!
* * *
Sunday, December 27, 2009
sock it to me
o Colors can easily show how gay you are.
o Don’t have to know left and right when putting them on.
o Easily taken off for swimming and sex.
o Good at hiding bad feet.
o Make bedroom antics more fun when using them as hand puppets.
THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Tom Cruise
DARTBOARD: Welcome TOM to THE DARTBOARD. We all know that you’re only 5’ 7” -- so we’ll keep it short. Can we get you anything?
TOM CRUISE: Do you have any TAPS around? I could use some water.
D.B.: Here you go… Mister Cruise, you’ve had a very successful career in movies. Why do you think that is?
T.C.: It’s no doubt THE COLOR OF MONEY, this is a RISKY BUSINESS and I managed to make ALL THE RIGHT MOVES when people said for me it was a MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.
D.B.: And you’ve been with some pretty HOT and beautiful women – Nicole Kidman for instance.
T.C.: Do you really want to know about her? Ask her about me and she’ll tell you a COCKTAIL – she’ll tell you about my TOP GUN – know what I mean? A FEW GOOD MEN sure would.
D.B.: Changing the subject, you are now a father. Were you there with Katie for their births?
T.C.: I sure was there – watching with my EYES WIDE SHUT.
D.B.: Any regrets about that?
T.C.: Just one. I just wish one of them was BORN ON THE FORTH OF JULY
D.B.: Tom Cruise, I’m sorry but I think the only reason you’ve come to THE DARTBOARD is to promote your movies. If that’s true, you better leave.
T.C.: Gotta run anyway – it looks like RAIN MAN – probably DAYS OF THUNDER ahead.
D.B.: Good luck with the Scientology!
BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)
DART my dear,
Sorry to bother you my dear, but you’re the only real person I can turn to in my hour of desperate need. I am married, 24, healthy with big breasts (34DDD), no kids and a cute bum. My problem is that my husband has a very foul mouth. For example, if I ask him to do something the answer he always gives me is “F*** off, do it yourself”. If it I try talking when the TV is on it’s “Shut the F*** UP!”, when I ask him what he wants for dinner, the answer is always “Isn't F*CKIN’ ready yet?”. The problem is I don’t know for how much longer I can take this verbal abuse.
If he doesn’t stop this SHIT soon, I might kill that ASSHOLE.
Your advice in this matter would be a big help.
Pina Slicker
-----
MESSAGE to P.S. you know I love you. Does anything else matter?
* * *
Dart, dart, Dart,
What do you think of oral sex on the first date?
Maxwell House
-------
Dear Mister House,
Are you propositioning me?
* * *
Dear Dart,
Lately I’ve been waking up with the smell of bananas between my legs. I know you’re not a gynecologist, not a produce vendor, or even a rare breed of monkey. Do you have any idea what would be the cause of this particular aroma?
Jean Poule
--------
J.P.,
have you ever tried watching the Miss America pageant without laughing hysterically? Try it!
* * *
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Some Titles for December
A CHRISTMAS CAROL BURNETT
BABES IN JOYLAND
I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRIS ROCK
OH COME ALL YOU FAITH HILL
RUDOLPH THE RED KNOWS RAIN, DEAR
THE POLAR FEDEX
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Britney Spears
THE DARTBOARD: Welcome Ms Spears to THE DARTBOARD.
BRITNEY SPEARS: (silence)
D.B: Pardon?
BRIT: (silence)
D.B: I’m sorry Britney, your lips are moving but I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
BRIT: Dang! You mean this isn’t a concert. No wonder I didn’t hear my taped voice singin'.
D.B: Can we get you anything?
BRIT: Dang, how about bringin’ me a Black Russian.
D.B: Sorry we don’t have alcohol here.
BRIT: Dang, I didn’t say a drink – I meant a dude from you know Moscow.
D.B: Before we start, Britney, would you mind closing your legs? It’s very distracting.
BRIT: Dang, you mean, oops I did it again. I forgot my undies in the car.
D.B: To get to know you a little better, what are your hobbies?
BRIT: Dang, I like to hang out in clubs.
D.B: Yes we can see. Anything else?
BRIT: Dang, does gettin' married to losers and havin’ babies count?
D.B: Not really.
BRIT: Dang! Not my babies now anyway, they belong to Fedex.
D.B: You mean K-Fed?.
BRIT: Whatever.
D.B: You forgot to say “dang”.
BRIT: Dang – I didn’t notice. Musta forgot.
D.B: I see you brought a banjo with you. We didn’t know you played.
BRIT: Dang, I don’t. I just brought it with me.
D.B: Okay, by the way, how are the babies?
BRIT: Dang, I read in People Magazine, that their fine, fine, fine.
D.B: Do you miss them?
BRIT: Dang, if I missed babies, I could always make another one. I'm ready. I already got my expectin’ baby clothes at home. Dang, this time I’ll name the lil fella CHUCK.
D.B: Chuck?
BRIT: Dang, Chuck Spears, get it!
D.B: Right. Maybe you should give up singing and try telling jokes?
BRIT: Dang, I believe I gave up singing when I was in the Mickey Mouse Club
D.B: And we believe this interview is over.
BRIT: Dang, can I uncross my legs now?
* * *
BRITNEY SPEARS: (silence)
D.B: Pardon?
BRIT: (silence)
D.B: I’m sorry Britney, your lips are moving but I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
BRIT: Dang! You mean this isn’t a concert. No wonder I didn’t hear my taped voice singin'.
D.B: Can we get you anything?
BRIT: Dang, how about bringin’ me a Black Russian.
D.B: Sorry we don’t have alcohol here.
BRIT: Dang, I didn’t say a drink – I meant a dude from you know Moscow.
D.B: Before we start, Britney, would you mind closing your legs? It’s very distracting.
BRIT: Dang, you mean, oops I did it again. I forgot my undies in the car.
D.B: To get to know you a little better, what are your hobbies?
BRIT: Dang, I like to hang out in clubs.
D.B: Yes we can see. Anything else?
BRIT: Dang, does gettin' married to losers and havin’ babies count?
D.B: Not really.
BRIT: Dang! Not my babies now anyway, they belong to Fedex.
D.B: You mean K-Fed?.
BRIT: Whatever.
D.B: You forgot to say “dang”.
BRIT: Dang – I didn’t notice. Musta forgot.
D.B: I see you brought a banjo with you. We didn’t know you played.
BRIT: Dang, I don’t. I just brought it with me.
D.B: Okay, by the way, how are the babies?
BRIT: Dang, I read in People Magazine, that their fine, fine, fine.
D.B: Do you miss them?
BRIT: Dang, if I missed babies, I could always make another one. I'm ready. I already got my expectin’ baby clothes at home. Dang, this time I’ll name the lil fella CHUCK.
D.B: Chuck?
BRIT: Dang, Chuck Spears, get it!
D.B: Right. Maybe you should give up singing and try telling jokes?
BRIT: Dang, I believe I gave up singing when I was in the Mickey Mouse Club
D.B: And we believe this interview is over.
BRIT: Dang, can I uncross my legs now?
* * *
Monday, December 21, 2009
meanwhile back in merry old...
The Brits are reading in their morning paper THE SUN that MADONNA has been named as the most written about celebrity of the past decade in Britain. Researchers found Madge, 51, was featured in 45,633 national newspaper articles.
Why? Here’s why THE DARTBOARD thinks this is so.
Can easily beat Britney Spears in a wrestling match.
Favorite food is fish & chips.
Her name rhymes with prima donna.
More likely to pose nude than Susan Boyle.
She has good teeth.
She learned to speak with an English accent.
She lives there now.
She married and divorced an Englishman.
She’s prettier than the Queen.
Takes up less space and ink in publications because no mentioning of her last name is necessary.
THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Lindsay Lohan
DARTBOARD: Welcome to MY DARTBOARD Lindsay.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Thank you very much. It’s nice to be here. Sorry, where am I? Do you have any free stuff?
D.B. -- Sorry LiLo this isn’t a clothes store or a nightclub. Maybe a Kleenex, for your cold – you keep sniffling
LiLo -- No, not a cold. I mean ya, that’s it, it’s a cold, a cold yes.
D.B. -- I notice there is some white powder around your…
LiLo -- Oh that’s just cold medicine, that’s it, cold medicine.
D.B. -- If you say so.
LiLo -- If you thought it was something else – no way.I went to rehab remember. A few years ago. I think? I don’t do that anymore. Do you have any straws I can take home?
D.B. -- Let’s change the subject. We haven’t seen any movies from you in awhile – can we expect something soon?
LiLo -- Expecting me – who do you think I am that slut Spears. No expecting here! I practice safe sex. You know what they say ”practice, practice, practice”.
D.B. -- Just to clear things up for our readers - are you really bi-sexual?
LiLo -- Everything I buy is sexual yes.
D.B. -- Back to movies, I meant. Will we be seeing any of yours from you soon.
LiLo -- No way. Unless you break into my bedroom and take-off with my camcorder.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
LiLo -- Excuse me, it might be my mom or dad… Aha. Aha. Aha. Damn it! I’m going to fire my agent.
D.B. -- I didn’t know you had an entertainment agent.
LiLo -- I don’t. That was my real estate agent. He keeps putting FOR SALE signs in front of my house because I never sleep there.
D.B. -- So, where do you sleep?
LiLo -- I sleep around.
D.B. -- Sleep around – tell us something we don’t know.
LiLo -- Alright. Did you know when it’s midnight here in Los Angeles, it’s a different time in China.
D.B. -- Yes ,we all knew that.
LiLo -- Damn it. I came out here to talk about my doll.
D.B. -- You mean YOUR x-doll Sam Ronson? I really wouldn’t call her a doll.
LiLo -- No, no, no, my plastic one, my action figure.
D.B. -- Action. Plastic. So appropriate. And so cute. I can see the resemblance.
LiLo -- Yeah, and it’s SO fitting and it looks just like me. I posed for it. I'm a good model, y'know.
D.B. -- Not for children. (clears throat)
Speaking of looks, you’re looking kind of thin – are you on some kind of diet?
LiLo -- No way, no diet. I eat at least a dozen donuts a day.
D.B. -- Do you prefer Tasty Cream or Dunkin’ Donuts?
LiLo -- No, no, you know those little ones. Cheerios.
D.B. -- Ok. Lindsay Lohan.
LiLo -- Yes.
D.B. -- Good-bye.
***
Thursday, December 17, 2009
BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)
Hey DART,
Help! I’m a 30 year old virgin and I met this girl named Marie about 2 ½ years ago who is now one of my best friends.
I’ve always been sexually attracted to her and would like things to go further between us.
We kissed once about a year ago, which led to a long talk where she said she didn’t want to ruin our outstanding friendship with this.
I’m not sure if this was bullshit (oops, sorry about the language) or not, but either way, I’m still only in the “just friend” zone with her.
I’ve never really had a close girl FRIEND that way before, and definitely not one that I have done “the nasty” with.
How can I go about seeing if this "nasty" thing could happen without compromising our long friendship?
HELP! TELL ME are there clues I can look for to see if she has the same kind of romantic interest in me?
Jenn Till
Heartbreak Motel,
Memphis, Tennessee
(no number)
---------
Okay Till, here's deal
Here are THE DARTBOARD top clues 10 to know if she’s interested.
10 – She keeps rubbing her crotch when she hears your name mentioned.
9 – She drools when you both pass a mattress store.
8 – She gets tattoos on her body that match your handprints..
7 – She buys camera because she wants to see what you look like naked.
6 – She squeezes your boobs instead of using the car horn.
5 – She tells you she’s leaving her husband and kids as well as breaking up with her boyfriend the butcher to be with you.
4 – She asks you if she could come over and bathe in your sink.
3 – Instead of asking you “do you want pizza with me?”, she ask “do you want a piece of me?”
2 – She shows you the porn film she stars in.
and the #1 way to know she’s interested in you is when….
1 – she nicknames you my pussy, my whore, or my bitch,
* * *
RIHANNA -- what are you thinking?
If touching like this works for Lady Gaga, then why not me.
I think my finger’s stuck.
You wanna see my camel toe? NO way sister.
I wish I had my brella-brella-brella, the rain is ruining my hair.
Great pajamas ya think!
It’s hat hair.
I thought they made this thing wireless.
Where’d my watch go?
If I don’t get Oprah’s job, I’ll be so sad.
My new look – sorry.
* * *
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
play it safe!!
GENTLEMEN: Before you get it on – maybe you should put one on. Then you can be as
gentle as you want with concern about child support to worry about. If you always thought that a condom was an expensive place to live...
BUDDY, you’re WRONG, so WRONG, you're very WRONG!
Wasn’t it Eve who told Adam “No glove no – no love”? (Maybe not?)
Right now there are many of these “stoppers” on your drug store shelf (or your nearest public men’s room) with NO I.D. REQUIRED to buy them. All kinds and all sizes (no, you can’t try them on). Some even flavored.
To assist these makers of these “un-makers”, THE DARTBOARD offers these ad slogans: ***:
• Be into rubber, its what everybody’s wearing.
• Disguise your lump before you hump.
• Put on your dome before you take her home.
• Don’t be silly, protect your Willie.
• You’ll be a loner if you don’t cloak your boner.
• If you think she says f*ck me, cover your monkey.
• Loving you is sweeter if you dress-up you peter.
• More likely to link if you cover your dink.
• Can’t go wrong -- with rubber on your dong.
• If you’re in heat, cover your meat.
• If you don’t want clap, give it a wrap.
• Getting on with a Venus, dress up you penis.
• Remember in December, decorate your member.
• Don’t be a fool, cover your tool.
• Wearing this armor if you don’t want to harm her.
• She will be beneath, if you camouflage your sheath,
*** Ad agencies or other interested parties who need to contact THE DARTBOARD ( about a job, perhaps?), please leave a name and number below.
What is this poor girl thinking?
Hope he hires me over that guy..
Does this color of pink make me look fat?
I bet I can hold my breath alot longer than you can.
Damn it, why do they make shoes with laces.
I think I passed, I’m sure I heard the doctor whisper ”nice breaths”.
I bet I would make a great pillow salesperson.
I thought topless bar meant the place had no roof.
Stupid man – why would he want to see my headlights when I don’t even have a car.
I’m with those PETA folks, I won’t buy virgin wool, I can wait till the sheep gets married.
Anna Nicole Smith taught me “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it”’
* * *
Monday, December 14, 2009
psychikiki -- A SEER WITH REAL BALLS
Nobody spends their time staring at their balls as she does.
How they work has been a mystery for scientists for decades (at least one). Debunkers, nay-sayers, skeptics, cynics, headshakers, disbelievers, all are amazed with her big balls and what she sees when looking at them.
A bowling alley in New Jersey will sue the NFL for copyright infringement for using the name Super Bowl.
After being stuck in pre-puberty forever, Mickey Mouse voice will finally change.
Katy Perry next hit single will be” I kissed a dog and I liked it”.
Paris Hilton will move to France and open a high-priced hotel a few blocks away from the Eiffel Tower.
The North Pole will close on weekends due to global warming.
The Russian government will encourage its population to shorten their names so that the rest of the world can pronounce them.
Zoologists will find Bambi and Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer to be related.
THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: DART POKES while LADY PAM -- she SPAMS
DARTBOARD: Welcome Pam. A.
PAMELA ANDERSON: Thank you it’s always great to be on television.
D: Sorry, this isn’t TV.
P.A.: Radio then, I just love talking on the radio. I love Howard Stern.
D: Sorry Ms. Anderson, wrong again. Sorry this isn’t radio.
P.A.: Then what is this? I don’t just not wear a bra for everyone. Well I do but…
D: Sorry to interrupt but, the DARTBOARD is a webpage. People will be reading this like a book.
P.A.: A book?
D: Yes a book, that you read.
P.A.: Ok. I think I was told about them.
D: We’re getting off track -- let’s get to business. What do we owe this interview to? Are you here to talk your d-cups and your coffee shops?
P.A.: I’m always doing that, you see them, you like them, they’re new ones.
D: Yes good job, they look real. So what brings you here to the DARTBOARD.
P.A.: My sports car, a brand new pink Porche convertible. I has it made special for me.
D: Top down?
P.A.: Every chance I get!
D: Right, that’s obvious. Big headlights too, I bet.
P.A.: Huh?
D: What I meant was, are you here to promote something, a new movie? Maybe a Baywatch reunion, a Playboy cover, a new TV series?
P.A.: None of the above.
D: Then I assume you’re here to talk about PETA?
P.A.: You mean People who Eat Tasty Animals. Nope I’m here because I realized, and so did others, that it’s business that I’m built for.
D: No argument there.
P.A.: I’m here to announce the opening of my new massage parlor.
D: But P.A., you must realize that there are many of those already around here.
P.A.: Yes, but mine will be different.
D: How’s that?
P.A.: Mine will be self-serve.
D: Pamela Anderson.
P.A.: Yes?
D: Good bye!
P.A.: Yes, there will be, half-price opening special. Just mention my name. Hope everybody comes.
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