"VIVA" and "Hello Dolly!"

LAS VEGAS - A New Jersey company says it has developed "the world's first sex robot," a life-size rubber doll that's designed to engage the owner with conversation rather than lifelike movement.

At a demonstration at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday, the dark-haired, negligee-clad robot said "I love holding hands with you" when it sensed that its creator touched its hand.

Owners can choose Roxxxy’s race, hair color, and breast size all to their individual liking.

Owners will also be able to select different personalities for Roxxxy, from "Wild Wendy" to "Frigid Farrah," the makers say.

They're charging somewhere from $7,000 to $9,000 for the robot, including the laptop, and they expect to start shipping in a few months.

+ + +

DART ponders:

• Will Farrah be free of computer viruses?

• Can the doll be bought on a layaway plan?

• Will this doll be anatomically correct or just have nuts?

• For $9,000 who would bother with and buy “Frigid Farrah”?

• Will the doll respond to commands like “Shut-up!” and “Get me a beer!”

• If so cheap, why didn’t Tiger Woods have ten?

• Will used dolls show up on “Craig’s List”?

• What happens when rubber meets rubber?

• Is she cheaper than a promising cheap dinner and a movie date every Saturday night for the next year?

• Will the male version vary in cost in “parts” depending on the nationality?

• Who are creepy guys touching her?

• AND... Is it extra FOR THREESOME?

----------

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MAKING THE OLYMPICS WATCHABLE

..THE PILEDRIVER

***

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The Pros of An Office Romance (with your boss)

 Better chance of a promotion

 Not getting hassled about long breaks, long lunches or lateness

 Getting the best gift at Christmas

 Gives you something to twitter about

 Somebody to get naughty with on the photocopy machine

 Unlimited pens, paper, and other office supplies to take home without questioning where they went

 Being the first to get any new equipment

 Good practice in acting when talking to their spouse

 Don’t have to know any office skills

 Business trips with expenses included

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WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE HAS GOT TO GO

 He/she uses your cat as a mop.

 He/she ask you to tie his/her shoes for them.

 He/she is always reminding you that his/her birthday is coming.

 He/she keeps inviting his/her parents over for weekend sleepovers.

 He/she uses the microwave to dry their underwear and sox.

 He/she starts every conversation with “it’s your turn to”.

 He/she brings PETA members over to see your new leather couch.

 He/she reads to you out loud to you in Chinese.

 He/she counts bread slices before breakfast.

 He/she pays his/her half of the rent in pennies.

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THIS ISN'T GOOFY

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MEN! You know you’ve you been single too long, when

.

...you find an old packet of condoms and you have great fun making balloons out of them.
...when your right hand tells you to try the left because it is tired.
...you're best friend is a warm sheet.
...when you pick up the phone to call a woman and the only woman you know is your mom.
...when your friends introduce you as the "he’s single -- might be gay".
…when you know everything variety of SWANSON’S.
…your dad invites you to come downstairs and watch THE FAMILY GUY with him.
...you sniff your underwear to check whether if they are clean.
...you then turn them inside out and wear them again.
...you then realize you did the same thing the day before.
...the last woman that saw you in her underwear was your mother.

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Revealed: ACCORDING TO THE NY POST: 12,775 conquests by Hollywood’s greatest loverboy (Warren Beatty)

HMMMMMM...

{more of what THE NY POST says}

'How many women were there? Easier to count the stars in the sky

But in his rollicking new book "Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America" (Simon & Schuster), biographer Peter Biskind hazards a guess about the conquests of Hollywood's most notorious lothario -- based, he says, on "simple arithmetic. "Biskind estimates "12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on.



{MEANWHILE website NEWSER'S Nathan Heller calculates}

13 Reasons Warren Beatty Didn't Bed 13K Women

Herewith, 13 reasons why Warren Beatty probably seduced less of America than his biographer believes:

1 - Biskind assumes either that Beatty bedded each partner only once, in the manner of insects, or that he carried on at least two relationships every day of his life, which challenges everything we know about the possibilities for getting from here to there in L.A. traffic.

2 - Today, good noninvasive birth-control measures have a failure rate of about 1 percent. If Beatty's encounters had followed these odds, he might have conceived more than 100 children. For the intractable complications thereof, see (1).

3 - If Beatty failed to make a conquest in the course of a day, he would have needed to redouble his efforts to maintain Biskind's average. For example, he might have had to seduce four separate women one day to catch up after inclement weather or a rigorous filming schedule. An observation from personal experience: I met two friends on opposite ends of town for coffee on Saturday. It took the whole day. Good luck fitting sex in there.

4 - Another observation from personal experience: Seducing four women a day is not possible.

5 - Biskind's proposed seduction rate also does not allow for the possibility of intermittent trips to the grocery store.

6 - Or squash.

7 - Why was Beatty, a movie star, coming into contact with so many strangers, anyway? Was he a) going door-to-door? b) hanging out in malls?

8 - If he was hanging out in malls, should we feel sorry for him? Note that Beatty had no iPhone.

9 - In order to meet Biskind's estimate, Beatty would have had to seduce more women per week than James Bond, which is impossible to fathom.

10 - Bedsores.

11 - Herpes.

12 - Biskind's model doesn't account for the fact that Beatty came increasingly to resemble Rick Moranis.

13 - Was Warren Beatty ever really that irresistible to begin with? François Truffaut famously said of the actor, on turning down Bonnie and Clyde, a script he admired, "Better not to make a film at all than to make it with men like this." Surely Truffaut was not an isolated case.

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BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

Dear Dart,

Sorry to bother you. I am currently planning a TRIP to California where I plan on buying some real cool brightly colored clothes and a real cool headband so I can chill-out and listen to my Woodstock albums. Can you get into it and dig it?

Can you be real cool and tell me where I can get such items?

Ellis Dee
San Francisco

+++

Dear E.D.,

Too words: TIMOTHY LEARY IS DEAD and CHARLES MANSON IS IN JAIL.

---------------

Hello dart,
My problem is that my boyfriend likes to do girly things.

He loves wearing bras and panties and putting ribbons in his hair. Watching Twilight movies are his latest passion. He even likes to bake me cookies. To make this situation really bad, every month, like clockwork, he gets real mean and cranky for a few days.

Could you please help me fix him because I’m getting really poor for having to pay for him at restaurants and having to ask his parents for their permission to take him out on dates.

Eva Destuction
Hellhole

+++

Dear E.D.,

Have you ever thought of becoming a lesbian?

--------------------------

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WHAT KIND OF PERV ARE YOU?

Ladies & Gentleman, PLEASE tick off all that apply:

o Smoked pot
o Washed a pot

o Went to a church to get sex
o Went to a church because of sex

o Woke up with someone you didn’t know
o Woke up with ten people you didn’t know

o Paid for sex with money
o Paid for sex with bus fare

o Had sex with a doctor
o Saw a doctor about sex

o Paid a stripper to lap dance
o Got paid as a stripper to lap dance

o Got spanked before good sex
o Got spanked after bad sex

o Used a toy before sex
o Got used as a toy during sex

o Had sex with someone of the same sex
o Had sex with someone whose sex you didn’t know

o Had sex in your parent’s bed
o Had sex in your baby’s crib

o Had sex while drunk
o Got drunk after sex



There are no right or wrongs answers to this examination. You have only yourself, your conscience, and guilt that you have to live with -- your answers will tell how bad you really are.

BUT, if checked off more than 11 (eleven), don’t you ever, EVER, ever come (or consider to come) to my house for dinner, breakfast, lunch or EVEN A SNACK -- you are an absolutely worthless piece of scum.

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Alexa Ray Joel >> what's the deal?

Billy Joel's daughter survives suicide attempt: reports
the New York Daily News:

The daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley was rushed to a Manhattan hospital Saturday afternoon with a suspected pill overdose.
Alexa Ray Joel, 23, was taken to St. Vincent's Medical Center after paramedics responded a 911 call from her West Village apartment, a police source said.
Fire Department officials said the patient told the medics she had taken eight pills and was having trouble breathing.

++++++

What was she thinking (moments before)?

 These vitamins don't taste like FLINTSTONES.
 Damn it, I told him that if I hear that song PIANO MAN one more time!!!
 My dad is over 60 and he still calls himself BILLY.
 Dad said ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG – let’s see, I'm good.
 3 moms and mother’s day coming up again, it's breaking me.
 One pills, two pills, three pills, four… … and four to go.
 Nobody asked me to the prom.
 I will now finally not have to worry or think about dad hanging around that ELTON JOHN guy anymore.

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IT'S ONLY WORDS

A few good words.

The internet is always good and easy way for increasing your vocabulary. Try these next time you open your big mouth:

BABY GOGGLES - where parents of an ugly baby think their offspring is adorable, even though no one else does.
BIKE-CURIOUS - a man going through a mid-life crisis who starts considering riding a Harley Davidson motorcycle instead of a woman.
BLACKBURIED - when you're flooded with so many emails and texts on your BlackBerry you can't cope.
BLAHHHHHg - a blog that goes on and on and on.
BUFFER GUEST – a friend you deliberately invite to a party early to make sure the first person arriving isn't somebody you hardly know.
CANNIVERSARY - a year from the date you got fired.
CARAOKE - enjoyed by people who loudly sing along to music while driving their car.
CARCOLEPSY - describes friends who fall asleep as soon as you start a long trip, giving you no help or company on the trip.
CHRONOPTIMISTS – people who always under-estimate the time it takes to do something.
CUMING ATTRACTION - during sex (alone or with partner) looking at something that causes you to lose control.
CYBERCHONDRIACS - those who use the internet to diagnose their medical problems..
DUDEVORCE - when two guys split up.
EX-HOLE - an good and offensive way of referring to a previous partner, either male or female.
EXTHEIST - somebody who was brought up with religion but turned their back on it all as an adult.
FACE BASE - the point in a relationship when pictures of a couple show up on Facebook or their status changes to “In A Relationship”.
GHOST TWEETERS - people who help their friends write posts on Twitter and Facebook to make them sound funnier.

JINGLE BOWELS - the stomach aches you suffered by too much over-indulgence at Christmas.
JOKE POACHERS - those who listen to your private joke at a party then use it on the whole room to get a big laugh while you watch.
MAN CHAIR - the seat in a clothes store where guys are left sitting while their partner tries on clothes she will never wear but but you will pay for.
NONVERSATION - where you talk garbage to somebody and get absolutely nowhere, often at a party or an awkward office lunch.
PORNY - getting aroused by x-rated material.
READER'S BLOCK - when there is no way you can be bothered to pick up a book to read it.
REBOOTY - an unexpected or expected booty call made by a horny girl/guy to her/his partner or ex for easy sex.
RUNNING LATTE - getting to work late because you stopped at Starbucks.
SHYPOD - someone who doesn't like others seeing what kind of music they have on their iPod.
Speaking in the NERD PERSON is what happens when somebody explains something technical or geeky to somebody who doesn't have a clue.
TRUSTICLES - having the balls to trust somebody in a tough situation.

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THE original ROAMIN' CATHOLIC

From the folks that gave you the POPE-MOBILE, and the comedy-musical dinner theater favorite THE LAST SUPPER (ha, ha -- where nobody left a tip), the lowdown of who some called Jesus (pronounced GEE-ZAS), while others call him Jesus (pronounced HAY-ZEUS), and while others (not many) called him the King of Pop (so wrong) -- but who we all know better as the name we all scream when we hit our thumb with a hammer.

There are many mysteries around this individual. One thing is clear, and all agree, is if he were alive today, he would be over 2,000 years old.

What is not clear is who this person was. Being that it was before John Lennon, internet, MTV and 60 Minutes, the many proofs are as different as are hamburger toppings.



From the Vatican (where the POPE lives), it’s now Saturday night, and here’s some of their newly released (sometimes shocking and irrelevant) findings:


3 proofs that JESUS was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

3 proofs that JESUS was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. His Mother was sure He was God.

3 proofs that JESUS was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with all His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

3 proofs that JESUS was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

3 proofs that JESUS was an Native American:

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

3 proofs that JESUS was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the MOST compelling proof is that JESUS was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.


AMEN
(errrr, AWOMEN)

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Call her THE LADY WITH THE BALLS >> PSYCHIC KIKI

The LADY that possesses something all others can only wish for is here again, showing her made of crystal prizes as she always does.

Not shy, she tells what you want to know AND things you don’t. With just a little touch, here’s what she sees looking at them today:

 Tyra Banks will have a male child and name it Sperm.

 Florida will break away from the USA to be its own country and name Disneyworld as its capital city.

 Laverne & Shirley, Thelma and Louise, will both admit to being lesbians.

 Oprah will sing Opera.

 Sesame Street’s Big Bird will donate her body to a starving African family.

 Scientists will develop a pill to stop farts from smelling.

 Sarah Palin will go back to school and get her high school diploma.

 The Pony Express will return for environmental reasons.

 The Pope will be caught text messaging the Bible to the world causing cell phones internationally to explode.

 President Obama will spray-paint “B.O. WAS HERE “ on the Great Wall of China.

 The first brain transplant will happen in Alaska to an unidentified midddle-aged woman – results of whether it was a success or not will not be revealed until the publication of her next book.

 Men will no longer have to cough during physical examinations.

 Toasters will be found to cause extreme global warming causing them to be outlawed and banned.

* * *

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what BRA size are you?

{A} Almost Boobs

{B} Barely there

{C} Can't complain

{D} Damn it!

{DD} Double Damn it!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake

{G} Get a Reduction

{H} Help me! I've fallen and can't get up!

* * *

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RUDOLPH and OLIVE (the other reindeer)

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Some Titles for December

 A CHRISTMAS CAROL BURNETT

 BABES IN JOYLAND

 I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRIS ROCK

 OH COME ALL YOU FAITH HILL

 RUDOLPH THE RED KNOWS RAIN, DEAR

 THE POLAR FEDEX

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THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Britney Spears

THE DARTBOARD: Welcome Ms Spears to THE DARTBOARD.

BRITNEY SPEARS: (silence)

D.B: Pardon?

BRIT: (silence)

D.B: I’m sorry Britney, your lips are moving but I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

BRIT: Dang! You mean this isn’t a concert. No wonder I didn’t hear my taped voice singin'.

D.B: Can we get you anything?

BRIT: Dang, how about bringin’ me a Black Russian.

D.B: Sorry we don’t have alcohol here.

BRIT: Dang, I didn’t say a drink – I meant a dude from you know Moscow.

D.B: Before we start, Britney, would you mind closing your legs? It’s very distracting.

BRIT: Dang, you mean, oops I did it again. I forgot my undies in the car.

D.B: To get to know you a little better, what are your hobbies?

BRIT: Dang, I like to hang out in clubs.


D.B: Yes we can see. Anything else?

BRIT: Dang, does gettin' married to losers and havin’ babies count?

D.B: Not really.

BRIT: Dang! Not my babies now anyway, they belong to Fedex.

D.B: You mean K-Fed?.

BRIT: Whatever.

D.B: You forgot to say “dang”.

BRIT: Dang – I didn’t notice. Musta forgot.

D.B: I see you brought a banjo with you. We didn’t know you played.

BRIT: Dang, I don’t. I just brought it with me.

D.B: Okay, by the way, how are the babies?

BRIT: Dang, I read in People Magazine, that their fine, fine, fine.

D.B: Do you miss them?

BRIT: Dang, if I missed babies, I could always make another one. I'm ready. I already got my expectin’ baby clothes at home. Dang, this time I’ll name the lil fella CHUCK.

D.B: Chuck?

BRIT: Dang, Chuck Spears, get it!

D.B: Right. Maybe you should give up singing and try telling jokes?

BRIT: Dang, I believe I gave up singing when I was in the Mickey Mouse Club

D.B: And we believe this interview is over.

BRIT: Dang, can I uncross my legs now?

* * *

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MILEY be CYRUS here, tell us what is the big secret to your success with young girls?

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meanwhile back in merry old...

The Brits are reading in their morning paper THE SUN that MADONNA has been named as the most written about celebrity of the past decade in Britain. Researchers found Madge, 51, was featured in 45,633 national newspaper articles.
Why? Here’s why THE DARTBOARD thinks this is so.

 Can easily beat Britney Spears in a wrestling match.
 Favorite food is fish & chips.
 Her name rhymes with prima donna.
 More likely to pose nude than Susan Boyle.
 She has good teeth.
 She learned to speak with an English accent.
 She lives there now.
 She married and divorced an Englishman.
 She’s prettier than the Queen.
 Takes up less space and ink in publications because no mentioning of her last name is necessary.

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MISTER BILL CLINTON, in your esteemed and regarded opinion, are cigarettes or cigars better?

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