THE DARTBOARD CALL THEM AS WE THEM -- WHEN "SHUT-UP" IS NOT ENOUGH
“I’ve been waiting so long to hug my grandchildren.”
Jon Voight
DART SAYS: Careful no inappropriate touching grandpa! It’s illegal in some states.
“I cultivated a real relationship with him the last 2 years of his life. It was the coolest thing. I would have tea with him- sometimes once a week, sometimes twice a week.”
Paula Abdul (about Simon Cowell)
DART SAYS: And some people cultivate wheat, corn, or rice.
“I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.”
Elton John
DART SAYS: Is that what BENNY AND THE JETS was all about?
"I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy,"
Bristol Palin
DART SAYS: And could she teach us about hunting polar bears and snow-shoeing in next 25 minutes?
"Mind-altering substances are so dangerous. If I can teach others, especially teens, by sharing my experiences, then that's what I will continue to do."
Lindsay Lohan
DART SAYS: Why not open a school with Bristol?
“Sometimes I find my head spinning. Not because of alcohol, but because of my life.”
Lady Gaga
DART SAYS: we think it’s more likely those stupid hats you wear pressing down on your skull.
“I broke no regulation, offered no 'safety risk' (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?) I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight.”
Kevin Smith
DART SAYS: Isn’t that the underwear bomber’s defence?
“I don't think I've ever liked having sex with someone more than two years!”
Jenny McCarthy
DART SAYS: WOW! Congrats! For some people more than 20 minutes with eyes closed is a major accomplishment.”
“Some people eat, some people drink -- but I Pledge everything.”
Johnny Weir (figure skater)
DART SAYS: Something tells us he’s not talking about polishing furniture, buy maybe he is.
“I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas.”
Robert Pattinson
DART SAYS: Smart guy, you’ll save lots of cash on condoms and mouthwash.
“No one believes me when I talk about this, but I'm really, really maternal.”
Megan Fox
DART SAYS: Make us believers – show us the breast-feeding pics.
“I didn't get them as big as I originally wanted.”
Heidi Montag
DART SAYS: BRAINS – right?
“Look, if I have to wear a trash bag I'll belt it with rhinestones and I'll make it work.”
Sandra Bullock
DART SAYS: It works for Amy Winehouse, right?
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
CANADA eh! (BURP) ...where girls can be hosers, thus entitled to COLD ONES from MOLSON. Pass 'em some brewskees!
"It is not what we want to see," Gilbert Felli the executive director of the International Olympic Committee told AP. "I don't think it's a good promotion of sport values. If they celebrate in the changing room, that's one thing, but not in public."
(BELCH)
"OH CAN-A-DA, WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE!" (dartboard)
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
How you can tell your boss (or husband, wife, favorite politician, golf pro, etc.) is a dirty cheating scumbag
* Instead of papers on his desk is a mattress.
* He answers his cellphone in a whisper when you’re close by.
* He advertises for new help on Craig’s List and does interviews by candelight wine and music, after hours.
* He changes his clothes when he leaves for lunch then changes them back when he gets back.
* He knows all the nearby hotels, their room rates, and the name of the maid on the 10th floor.
* His Facebook picture is a body part of his.
* If you ask him if he talks to his wife after sex, he tells you “Yes, if there is a phone nearby.”
* He goes to a convention in Las Vegas on every weekend.
* For office parties he uses blow-up condoms instead of balloons
the dartboard interview: Kim Kardasian
dartboard: We’re just waiting for our guest Kim Kardasian to arrive. Oh, here she is...
Kim: So sorry I’m late. I feel like such an ass. I got rear-ended.
dartboard: A car accident?
Kim: What else?
dartboard: Sorry, just trying to made a bad crack.
Kim: Oh my! You mean my pants are too tight again?
dartboard: Never mind -- have a seat.
Kim: I know I do.
dartboard: By the way, how are things going with your man Reggie Bush?
Kim: Mmmmm I love Bush.
dartboard: Really. We didn’t know that.
Kim: Are you trying to make a bad crack about my favorite number one?
dartboard: No. Maybe. Everybody knows that Reggie is your favorite number two. By the way during football season and Reggie’s away playing ball, what do you do to keep busy?
Kim: Oh, I think of him day and night, night and day, while sucking on cucumbers and bananas.
dartboard: Too much information. Do you play football?
Kim: I’ve always like being a tight end.
dartboard: Tell us more, do you play in bed?
Kim: Reggie is really good at getting turn-overs and is really good at playing in the end zone, but
dartboard: Butt?
Kim: But, but, I prefer baseball. I love being the catcher.
dartboard: Won’t get there either.
Kim: Sorry, but really got to be going. I’m running behind, big time.
dartboard: What’s up?
Kim: I’m having a barbeque.
dartboard: Thought you were vegetarian?
Kim: I am -- I don’t cook hamburgers but people love my buns.
dartboard: And so do we.
* * *
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
THE DARTBOARD: where all your questions get all the right answers
HEY Dart,
Hope you can read this, my typing really sucks. To get right to the point, my problem is that when I make love to my boyfriend, I am very loud. So loud it makes my lovers deaf. This has happened more than once. My whole apartment building complains of my noises.
The worst part was that last night I was so loud that it made my lover totally deaf. I now find it very hard to talk to him because he can't hear. In fact, I can't even ask him, 'How was I?'. What shall I do?
MONA LOTT
----------------
Mona, Mona, Mona,
Have you tried playing charades?
+ + +
Hello dart,
just wondering if you're alone? You are? That's great! And what are you wearing? Mmmmm that's sexy, very sexy! Can you take it off for me? WOW! You have such a beautiful body. Can you bring it a little closer to me? I bet you it's very warm and wet.
PHIL HERSNATCH
----------
Look P.H., if i told you once, I told you twice, Don't EVER bother me when I'm in the toilet!
+ + + +
Dart,
please I need you're help badly. I am a male, over fifty years old and I'm very embarrassed to admit it, but I NEVER, ever, not even once, have been on a blind date. Can you help?
STEVIE WONDER
---------------
Look Stevie, it's no wonder you haven't been on a blind date. Who would even think, let themselves even think, about going, on any kind of date, with someone with the name of STEVIE.
* * * *
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Psychic kiki tells ALL!
Other psychics are always trying to bust her balls. Why? Because Psychickiki (as her name suggests) has something extra they don’t have. An extra ball. Having these two (crystal) balls, let her see what those others can’t and she’s not afraid to expose these here:
o A nightclub will open up that’s so exclusive it will have no members.
o A terrorist lumberjack will try to chop down the Washington Monument.
o An upcoming major outbreak of the rockin’ pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu will rock Memphis.
o Andy Dick will change his name to Andy Penis.
o Archeologists will discover the Statue of Liberty is in fact a crossdresser.
o Castro Oil will be found in Cuba.
o Chia salads will be the next health food trend.
o Cookie monster will bake in the California sun.
o Driving while chewing gum will be outlawed.
o Elton John will sell portable toilets named after him.
o Hugh Hefner will admit he’s gay and he loves dressing as a bunny.
o Jay Leno will be caught lip-syncing his monologue.
o Mister Bubble will be found drowned in a bathtub. CSI will investigate.
o Pamela Anderson will tell all who listen she enjoys the breast stroke.
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