WARNING Signs you need a new doctor

• He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."

• Instead of rubber surgical gloves, he wears oven mitts.

• He is known to the other doctors as "the defendant."

• After examining you, he says, "Now your turn to do me."

• He sends you to the airport for x-rays.

• He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."

• He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."

• Instead of rubber surgical gloves, he wears oven mitts.

• He is known to the other doctors as "the defendant."

• After examining you, he says, "Now your turn to do me."

• He sends you to the airport for x-rays.

• He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."


• He tries to colour your X-rays with crayons.


• His examination room is Room 69 at the No-Tell Motel.



• He tells you his anesthesiologist name is "Jim Beam."

• Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to work this time."

• When he says “my practice” he means “to practice”.

• He faints at the sight if blood.

• He asks you for your phone number after a physical exam

* * *

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How you can tell your boss (or husband, wife, favorite politician, golf pro, etc.) is a dirty cheating scumbag

* Instead of papers on his desk is a mattress.

* He answers his cellphone in a whisper when you’re close by.

* He advertises for new help on Craig’s List and does interviews by candelight wine and music, after hours.

* He changes his clothes when he leaves for lunch then changes them back when he gets back.

* He knows all the nearby hotels, their room rates, and the name of the maid on the 10th floor.

* His Facebook picture is a body part of his.

* If you ask him if he talks to his wife after sex, he tells you “Yes, if there is a phone nearby.”

* He goes to a convention in Las Vegas on every weekend.

* For office parties he uses blow-up condoms instead of balloons

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Psychic kiki tells ALL!

Other psychics are always trying to bust her balls. Why? Because Psychickiki (as her name suggests) has something extra they don’t have. An extra ball. Having these two (crystal) balls, let her see what those others can’t and she’s not afraid to expose these here:

o A nightclub will open up that’s so exclusive it will have no members.

o A terrorist lumberjack will try to chop down the Washington Monument.

o An upcoming major outbreak of the rockin’ pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu will rock Memphis.

o Andy Dick will change his name to Andy Penis.

o Archeologists will discover the Statue of Liberty is in fact a crossdresser.

o Castro Oil will be found in Cuba.

o Chia salads will be the next health food trend.

o Cookie monster will bake in the California sun.

o Driving while chewing gum will be outlawed.

o Elton John will sell portable toilets named after him.

o Hugh Hefner will admit he’s gay and he loves dressing as a bunny.

o Jay Leno will be caught lip-syncing his monologue.

o Mister Bubble will be found drowned in a bathtub. CSI will investigate.

o Pamela Anderson will tell all who listen she enjoys the breast stroke.

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PROOF! You have been abducted and living with ALEINS.

 No cable TV. Just antennas.

 Tanning salons make you dark green or blue.

 Away games for their sport teams are more than a million miles away.

 Men have no desire to watch porn.

 No soft two-ply toilet paper.

 The planet had no (not one) ((nada)) Starbucks


 Children’s names are all numbers. Pre-schoolers are fractions.

 Reality TV and MTV are the only thing on television.

 The planet has no Elvis or Michael Jackson impersonators.

 They can figure out the Da Vinci Code in less than a minute.

 They laugh till they pee watching Will Farrell movies.

 It costs over $10,000 in change to phone home. Taking collect calls is not allowed and illegal.

 Everybody speaks Spanish.


* * *

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"ASK me no questions & I'll tell you no lies!"

If we believe everything we see in the movies (especially documentary ones), Madonna has a secret son who’s older than her last boyfriend. Madge supposedly gave birth in to the tot in 1973 -- at the age of 15.

The trailer for the movie appropriately called MATERIAL BOY calls the revelation

“the best ever kept secret in the history of pop music”.

+ + +

What’s next?

“Michael Jackson was gay”.

+ + +

DART did some research and found out some clues to why this MADONNA rumor may in fact be true and some facts about her abandoned boy-child.

 Madonna did have an early hit single with “Like A Virgin”.

 The son has the initials J.C. and his father’s name was Joe.

 He has 12 friends that follow him around and with whom he dines with regularly on fridays.

 J.C.'s favorite piece of clothing is his toga.

 His favorite shoes are sandals.

 He is very polite always saying “Bless you”.

 The Beatles (who we trust not to lie) wrote “Lady Madonna, children at your feet” before she had any legitimate ones.

 There is no birth date on his driver’s license and he gets double gifts for Christmas.


* * *

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The Pros of An Office Romance (with your boss)

 Better chance of a promotion

 Not getting hassled about long breaks, long lunches or lateness

 Getting the best gift at Christmas

 Gives you something to twitter about

 Somebody to get naughty with on the photocopy machine

 Unlimited pens, paper, and other office supplies to take home without questioning where they went

 Being the first to get any new equipment

 Good practice in acting when talking to their spouse

 Don’t have to know any office skills

 Business trips with expenses included

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WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE HAS GOT TO GO

 He/she uses your cat as a mop.

 He/she ask you to tie his/her shoes for them.

 He/she is always reminding you that his/her birthday is coming.

 He/she keeps inviting his/her parents over for weekend sleepovers.

 He/she uses the microwave to dry their underwear and sox.

 He/she starts every conversation with “it’s your turn to”.

 He/she brings PETA members over to see your new leather couch.

 He/she reads to you out loud to you in Chinese.

 He/she counts bread slices before breakfast.

 He/she pays his/her half of the rent in pennies.

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MEN! You know you’ve you been single too long, when

.

...you find an old packet of condoms and you have great fun making balloons out of them.
...when your right hand tells you to try the left because it is tired.
...you're best friend is a warm sheet.
...when you pick up the phone to call a woman and the only woman you know is your mom.
...when your friends introduce you as the "he’s single -- might be gay".
…when you know everything variety of SWANSON’S.
…your dad invites you to come downstairs and watch THE FAMILY GUY with him.
...you sniff your underwear to check whether if they are clean.
...you then turn them inside out and wear them again.
...you then realize you did the same thing the day before.
...the last woman that saw you in her underwear was your mother.

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IT'S ONLY WORDS

A few good words.

The internet is always good and easy way for increasing your vocabulary. Try these next time you open your big mouth:

BABY GOGGLES - where parents of an ugly baby think their offspring is adorable, even though no one else does.
BIKE-CURIOUS - a man going through a mid-life crisis who starts considering riding a Harley Davidson motorcycle instead of a woman.
BLACKBURIED - when you're flooded with so many emails and texts on your BlackBerry you can't cope.
BLAHHHHHg - a blog that goes on and on and on.
BUFFER GUEST – a friend you deliberately invite to a party early to make sure the first person arriving isn't somebody you hardly know.
CANNIVERSARY - a year from the date you got fired.
CARAOKE - enjoyed by people who loudly sing along to music while driving their car.
CARCOLEPSY - describes friends who fall asleep as soon as you start a long trip, giving you no help or company on the trip.
CHRONOPTIMISTS – people who always under-estimate the time it takes to do something.
CUMING ATTRACTION - during sex (alone or with partner) looking at something that causes you to lose control.
CYBERCHONDRIACS - those who use the internet to diagnose their medical problems..
DUDEVORCE - when two guys split up.
EX-HOLE - an good and offensive way of referring to a previous partner, either male or female.
EXTHEIST - somebody who was brought up with religion but turned their back on it all as an adult.
FACE BASE - the point in a relationship when pictures of a couple show up on Facebook or their status changes to “In A Relationship”.
GHOST TWEETERS - people who help their friends write posts on Twitter and Facebook to make them sound funnier.

JINGLE BOWELS - the stomach aches you suffered by too much over-indulgence at Christmas.
JOKE POACHERS - those who listen to your private joke at a party then use it on the whole room to get a big laugh while you watch.
MAN CHAIR - the seat in a clothes store where guys are left sitting while their partner tries on clothes she will never wear but but you will pay for.
NONVERSATION - where you talk garbage to somebody and get absolutely nowhere, often at a party or an awkward office lunch.
PORNY - getting aroused by x-rated material.
READER'S BLOCK - when there is no way you can be bothered to pick up a book to read it.
REBOOTY - an unexpected or expected booty call made by a horny girl/guy to her/his partner or ex for easy sex.
RUNNING LATTE - getting to work late because you stopped at Starbucks.
SHYPOD - someone who doesn't like others seeing what kind of music they have on their iPod.
Speaking in the NERD PERSON is what happens when somebody explains something technical or geeky to somebody who doesn't have a clue.
TRUSTICLES - having the balls to trust somebody in a tough situation.

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HOW NOT TO BE SO OFFENSIVE at work

>>> 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f*ck you’re doing.

>>> 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f*cking kiss *ss.

>>> 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: What will you f*ckin’ pay me for this?

>>> 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way.

>>> 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh*tting me!

>>> 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with someone.
INSTEAD OF: Go tell someone who gives a sh*t.

>>> 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f*cking problem.

>>> 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

>>> 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won’t work.

>>> 10
TRY SAYING I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: I’ll see if I have the f*ckin’ time.

>>> 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his *ss.

>>> 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, do you mind sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die, *sshole.

>>> 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Tell me what’s the f*ckin’ problem.

>>> 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I’m busy.

>>> 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Listen again f*ckface.

>>> 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This is bullsh*t.

>>> 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck died and made you boss?

>>> 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s an *sshole and a pr*ck.

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sock it to me

o Colors can easily show how gay you are.

o Don’t have to know left and right when putting them on.

o Easily taken off for swimming and sex.

o Good at hiding bad feet.

o Make bedroom antics more fun when using them as hand puppets.

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meanwhile back in merry old...

The Brits are reading in their morning paper THE SUN that MADONNA has been named as the most written about celebrity of the past decade in Britain. Researchers found Madge, 51, was featured in 45,633 national newspaper articles.
Why? Here’s why THE DARTBOARD thinks this is so.

 Can easily beat Britney Spears in a wrestling match.
 Favorite food is fish & chips.
 Her name rhymes with prima donna.
 More likely to pose nude than Susan Boyle.
 She has good teeth.
 She learned to speak with an English accent.
 She lives there now.
 She married and divorced an Englishman.
 She’s prettier than the Queen.
 Takes up less space and ink in publications because no mentioning of her last name is necessary.

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RIHANNA -- what are you thinking?

 If touching like this works for Lady Gaga, then why not me.

 I think my finger’s stuck.

 You wanna see my camel toe? NO way sister.

 I wish I had my brella-brella-brella, the rain is ruining my hair.

 Great pajamas ya think!

 It’s hat hair.

 I thought they made this thing wireless.

 Where’d my watch go?

 If I don’t get Oprah’s job, I’ll be so sad.

 My new look – sorry.

* * *

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play it safe!!

GENTLEMEN: Before you get it on – maybe you should put one on. Then you can be as
gentle as you want with concern about child support to worry about. If you always thought that a condom was an expensive place to live...

BUDDY, you’re WRONG, so WRONG, you're very WRONG!

Wasn’t it Eve who told Adam “No glove no – no love”? (Maybe not?)

Right now there are many of these “stoppers” on your drug store shelf (or your nearest public men’s room) with NO I.D. REQUIRED to buy them. All kinds and all sizes (no, you can’t try them on). Some even flavored.

To assist these makers of these “un-makers”, THE DARTBOARD offers these ad slogans: ***:
• Be into rubber, its what everybody’s wearing.

• Disguise your lump before you hump.

• Put on your dome before you take her home.

• Don’t be silly, protect your Willie.

• You’ll be a loner if you don’t cloak your boner.

• If you think she says f*ck me, cover your monkey.

• Loving you is sweeter if you dress-up you peter.

• More likely to link if you cover your dink.

• Can’t go wrong -- with rubber on your dong.

• If you’re in heat, cover your meat.

• If you don’t want clap, give it a wrap.

• Getting on with a Venus, dress up you penis.

• Remember in December, decorate your member.

• Don’t be a fool, cover your tool.

• Wearing this armor if you don’t want to harm her.

• She will be beneath, if you camouflage your sheath,

*** Ad agencies or other interested parties who need to contact THE DARTBOARD ( about a job, perhaps?), please leave a name and number below.

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WAYS TO BEAT GLOBAL WARMING

 Move to the North Pole.

 Drink hot chocolate cold.

 Before you flush the toilet add a tray of ice cubes.

 Move in with the penguins at the zoo.

 Go to a sauna thats air-conditioned.

 Wear crotchless underwear.

 Build a year-round skating rink in your basement.

 Boycott the summer olympics and support the winter olympics.

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How To Know Your Dating A Moron

 Favorite foreign restaurant is McDonalds (Scottish)

 Going to the dance means watching ballet

 Ask you go shopping with them for groceries

 Wears their iPod during the entire date.

 Brings tarot cards.

 Leaves to go to the washroom during a movie and can’t find their way back.

 Keeps asking you to borrow your cell phone to win concert tickets.

 Ask you if it’s ok to name their favorite pet after you.

 Brings a book to read while travelling.

 Avoids stepping on sidewalk cracks for fear of breaking mother’s back.

 Private parts are named after themselves with “little” (e.g. Little Dick, Little Virginia).

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SHOWDOWN with the Britneys

Good BRITNEY says "I love to breast-feed"...
Bad BRITNEY says, “I love to feed my breasts!”

Good BRITNEY says "thanks for a wonderful dinner, dear"...
Bad BRITNEY says, "what's for breakfast, lover?"

Good BRITNEY wears white cotton panties...
Bad BRITNEY doesn't wear any.

Good BRITNEY waxes her floors...
Bad BRITNEY waxes her bikini lines and what connects them.

Good BRITNEY loosens a few buttons when she's hot.
Bad BRITNEY tries to make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good BRITNEY makes chicken for dinner before a date.
Bad BRITNEY makes no reservations after a date.

Good BRITNEY blushes watching sex scenes in movies.
Bad BRITNEY knows she could do better ones live.

Good BRITNEY believes you're not fully dressed without a cool looking hat.
Bad BRITNEY believez that you are fully dressed wearing JUST a cool looking hat.

Good BRITNEY loves Mickey & Minnie Mouse being silly...
Bad BRITNEY loves being Goofy and silly.





* * *

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JUST ADD WATER -- New Fixes for the LADIES

DAMNITOL
Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to eight full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance and pain to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”

BUYIAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N-GAGEMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

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SUSAN BOYLE -- what's she's really thinking

 Hope Simon notices I’m not wearing underpants.
 Can hardly wait until I get a cell phone so I can start sexting.
 Where are my groupies – I give up!
 This is the only song I know - hope nobody notices.
 I will sing for a two Big Macs, large fries and a diet coke
 It ain’t over till I (the fat lady), sing.
 Why do all these make-up people quit when they see me coming?.
 Why do people shout “TAXI” when I wear my yellow raincoat?
 I miss my gravy!!

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what the orange cat is saying:

 “Did you see what that pussy was wearing?”
 “If there’s any left, pass the Meow Mix?”
 “If it was up to me – I rather go nude”
 “Are you happy looking like Oprah?”
 “Have a mint! You have mouse breath!”
 “Not meowing? What’s your problem>cat’s got your tongue?”
 “I have friends on Twitter”
 “Face it, despite Obama – this is not a prrrrrrrrrrrrrfect world.”
 “I disagree with the statement ‘what’s the best tuna – chicken of the sea’. What do you think?
 “Who let dogs out? (woof woof woof-woof)"

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