ALERT the control tower

Your Ad Here

PIC OF THE WEAK

Your Ad Here

everybody's on dat FACEBOOK

Your Ad Here

WOODY gets a WOODY

Your Ad Here

THE DARTBOARD INTERVEW: Today's target - Ellen DeGeneres

D.B. -- Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Ellen.

ELLEN -- Thank you, is it my turn?

D.B. -- Not a pub game, THE DARTBOARD is an internet site.




ELLEN -- Is it gay porn? I love gay porn.

D.B. -- Sorry. Not really. Do you mind answering for us and our many readers a few questions today?

ELLEN -- Shoot! And shoot me with all your queries – ha, ha, ha, that’s a joke. Get it? QUEER – EES!

D.B. -- Seriously, why did you decide to come out of the closet when you did a few years ago.

ELLEN -- It was dark and I kept bumping into hangers and scratching my head. Not attractive. The worst part was it smelled like moths, specifically moth balls. You know what male moths have between their little moth legs.? Get that one! Ha ha ha! I'm just so full of jokes.

D.B. -- Yes, full of it - can I ask you a fashion question?

ELLEN -- Is it a query? Ha ha, I'm on a roll. I can’t stop. Hit me!

D.B. -- Okay.

ELLEN -- Ouch, my arm. That hurt. What’s the question?

D.B. -- Do you ever wear any dresses and high heels?

ELLEN -- Just to bed, when it’s my turn.

D.B. -- Have you ever had long hair?

ELLEN -- Just on my legs.

D.B. -- Let’s change the subject…

ELLEN -- I’m not changing into a dress if that’s what you’re hinting.

D.B. -- Not. Okay, now that you’re the new judge on AMERICAN IDOL, are you looking forward to sitting next to Simon?

ELLEN -- Looking forward to it… hell ya, she’s one of my favorite woman singers. My all-time favorite song has always been “You’re So Vain”.

D.B. -- No, no, no, Simon Cowell. You’re thinking of Carly Simon.

ELLEN -- Ahhhhhhhh, yessssss I am, Not a secret anymore, I’m always thinking of her -- all the time -- mmmmmmm mmmmm.

D.B. -- Well, that's so interesting, but I'm afraid we're out of the space. Thank you for sharing your life and joining us here. It’s been a real treat and pleasure to talk to you, the second most funniest lesbian comedienne in all the world.

ELLEN -- Second? What? Who’s first?

D.B. -- Rosie O’Donnell, that’s obvious.

ELLEN -- NO! It’s not obvious. It’s obvious that I am.

D.B. -- No it’s Rosie.

ELLEN -- ME!

D.B. -- No ROSIE!

ELLEN -- NO IT”S ME ME ME ME ME!

D.B. -- ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE!

ELLEN -- GOOD-BYE!

* * *

Your Ad Here

LOOK, who has a fashion line!

THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Mariah Carey -- she gets BUSTED!

DARTBOARD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD Mariah Carey.

MARIAH: Thank you, can I sit down?

DARTBOARD: Sure. Just wondering, do you read what the newspapers, gossip magazines, and entertainment shows, say about you?

MARIAH: I try to keep abreast of that.

DARTBOARD: What about what happened recently at that awards show where you appeared to be drunk?

MARIAH: Oh that – yes that, I feel like such a boob about that.

DARTBOARD: People said some pretty mean things about you.

MARIAH: I know I have my knockers.

DARTBOARD: I hear your making a new movie with some special effects in it. Can you tell us anything about it?
MARIAH: Sorry, all I can tell you it it will be more than exciting than 3D or triple D as I size it up.

DARTBOARD: I can see that.

MARIAH: I noticed you drove here in your new car.

DARTBOARD: Yes. I got cause it’s very safe, it has huge airbags.

DARTBOARD: Good looking car.

MARIAH: Yeah, Notice the big set of headlights.

DARTBOARD: I did. Where were you coming from?

MARIAH: Oh I was having some a fruit at a restaurant.

DARTBOARD: You like fruit?

MARIAH: I love my melons and my coconuts really stand out.

DARTBOARD: OK.

MARIAH: And they have fresh ones at Hooters. And they have the most delicious cold iced tea.

DARTBOARD: Is that your favorite drink?

MARIAH: Oh yes, I have big jugs at home.

DARTBOARD: I heard you’re on your way to the airport. Going to France?

MARIAH: Oooooo yes, I love to tan at Cannes.

DARTBOARD: Have Fun.

MARIAH: Ciao. And big ta-tas to all my fans.

DARTBOARD: Thanks for nipping in.

* * *

Your Ad Here

the DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Jessica Simpson

D.B.: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Jessica Simpson.

JESSICA : Darn it, I been practicing at home and I forgot to bring my darts.

D.B.: Sorry this is actually an internet site called THE DARTBOARD.

JESSICA : The internet? Is that thing still going?

D.B.: Sure is.

JESSICA : Hmmm, maybe I should buy one.



D.B.: Maybe you should. To start, did you have any role models that you modeled your acting career on?

JESSICA : Oh ya, definitely.

D.B.: Who would that be?

JESSICA : I always wanted to be the next Ellie-May Clampet of the Beverly Hillbillies.

D.B.: Interesting.
So Jessica, I think we all want to know, what’s new relationship-wise?

JESSICA : Relations? Oh, Ashley is is fine.

D.B.: Sorry we meant how are the MEN in your life.

JESSICA : Oh the men. Daddy’s doing fine and Nick and I are still divorced

D.B.: You’re been quoted as saying “skinny models make me puke” – are you doing anything about that?

JESSICA : Eating more and staying away from long bus trips and bumpy plane rides. And momma’s grits of course. Sorry momma!

D.B.: Can we talk about your movies?

JESSICA : Sure thing.

D.B.: What was it like making the re-make of THE DUKES OF HAZZARD.

JESSICA : My daddy told me if you can’t say anything nice about something then don’t say anything at all.

D.B. : Okay, what about EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH?

JESSICA : No comment.

D.B. : BLONDE AMBITION?

JESSICA : No comment.

D.B. : Didn’t you also appear in THE LOVE GURU playing yourself?

JESSICA : That was hard. No comment.

D.B. : How about your TV shows with NICK LACHEY?

JESSICA : No comment.

D.B. : Jessica, I think this interview is over.

JESSICA : Are you telling me that my boots, or my boobs, are made for walking.

D.B. : Yup, sure do, both of them.

* * *

Your Ad Here

A l'il dirty joke for all ye young lads & lassies

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time

I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

* * *

Your Ad Here

Excuse me, could you tell us PARIS Hilton, do you really believe what yout t-shirt says?

Your Ad Here

GIRL TALK

Your Ad Here

DART invents a better mousetrap

Your Ad Here

a MOVIE STARRING...

Your Ad Here

SUITABLE for FRAMING

Your Ad Here

Sorry Mrs McCain, you wearing that new t-shirt is a very, very bad idea

Your Ad Here

Some Titles for December

 A CHRISTMAS CAROL BURNETT

 BABES IN JOYLAND

 I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRIS ROCK

 OH COME ALL YOU FAITH HILL

 RUDOLPH THE RED KNOWS RAIN, DEAR

 THE POLAR FEDEX

Your Ad Here

MADONNA, rumours abound that you now have started wearing panties -- THE DARTBOARD wants to know why is that?

Your Ad Here

MISTER BILL CLINTON, in your esteemed and regarded opinion, are cigarettes or cigars better?

Your Ad Here

FASHION QUESTION: who was first?

"BOTH ARE BOOBS" the dart says.

Your Ad Here

RIHANNA -- what are you thinking?

 If touching like this works for Lady Gaga, then why not me.

 I think my finger’s stuck.

 You wanna see my camel toe? NO way sister.

 I wish I had my brella-brella-brella, the rain is ruining my hair.

 Great pajamas ya think!

 It’s hat hair.

 I thought they made this thing wireless.

 Where’d my watch go?

 If I don’t get Oprah’s job, I’ll be so sad.

 My new look – sorry.

* * *

Your Ad Here