holy smoke?

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LOOKING FOR MEMBERS

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CELEBRITY FART CLUB

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THE DARTBOARD very exclusive INTERVIEW: Nadya "OCTOMOM" Suleman

DARTBOARD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Nadya. And I see you brought your 14 children with you.

OCTOMOM: Yes I did. You notice they all have name tags on them so I can tell them apart. All babies look alike as you probably know. When I first saw the last eight on the ultrasound – they all looked the same. They had to have one of those big screen jobs so I could see all of them looking alike.

Can I introduce them to you?

DARTBOARD: Sure

OCTOMOM: Okay, first this is Eenie, then Meennie, Miny, and Moe, then there’s Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Bashful, and Grumpy, and in the back is Curly, Larry, Moe and Ringo.

DARTBOARD: That’s 15. I thought you had 14.

OCTOMOM: I do. One of them is not mine. I’m babysitting one for a friend.

DARTBOARD: Which one?

OCTOMOM: To be honest – I don’t remember.

DARTBOARD: Nevermind.

OCTOMOM: I don’t.

DARTBOARD: Mind if I ask a question?

OCTOMOM: That is a question.

DARTBOARD: How do you manage to feed all these little ones?

OCTOMOM: Easy – I rent a cow.

DARTBOARD: Do you have any plans for yourself?

OCTOMOM: Well if don't get that job working at the circus – I might run for governor of Alaska.

DARTBOARD: Ms Suleman, thanks for coming in.





OCTOMOM: Don’t you want to see me breast feed?

DARTBOARD: No thanks. Good night.

* * *

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BBC NEWS REPORTS:

The trusted news source says:

MAN ASSAULTED OFFICER WITH PENIS


A man who assaulted a female police officer with his penis has been fined.

Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.

Lithuanian Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen Sheriff Court and was fined £600.

The court heard he had been drinking heavily and could not remember committing the offence at his home in Aberdeen.

Police were called to his home by his girlfriend, who had complained about him being drunk last November.

They arrived to find the self-employed engineer sitting on the sofa wearing a pair of underpants.




“ He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed ”
John Hardie Defence solicitor.

Fiscal depute Elaine Lynch said: "The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck."

Defence solicitor John Hardie said: "He was sitting on the couch drunk with his pants on.

"He can't remember anything but accepts that if that's what the police say then that's what happened.

"He has never been so drunk before that day and accepts he has to take full responsibility. He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed."

His not guilty plea to committing a breach of the peace by uttering offensive and sexual remarks was accepted by the Crown.

Sheriff Annella Cowan was told that the Lithuanian had now quit binge drinking because of the incident.

- - -

The Dartboard says:


"What a dick!"

"Will this hold up in court?"

"Lucky it wasn't a stick-up"

"Do the police have hard evidence?"

"The guy must have had balls."



p.s. check out the name of the Defence solicitor -- > John Hardie


* * *

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NEW WORDS

ANAGRAM --> a type of word play, the result of rearranging the letters of a word or phrase to produce a new word or phrase, using all the original letters exactly once.

Jerry Lewis
Jewelry, Sir

Tom Cruise
I'm So Cuter

Kim Kardashian
I Am a Kind Shark

John Mayer
Enjoy Harm

Sandra Bullock
Skull and Cobra


Arnold Schwarzenegger
He's Grown Large 'n' Crazed

Beyonce Knowles
Woken Obscenely

Justin Timberlake
I'm a Jerk, But Listen

James Cameron
Major Menaces

Bob Dylan
Bald, Bony

Robin Williams
I Warm Billions

Mel Gibson
Big Melons

Clint Eastwood
Old West Action

Jerry Seinfeld
Friendly Jeers

Tiger Woods
Got Weirdos

Kirstie Alley
Likes Reality

Britney Spears
Presbyterians

Conan O'Brien
Inane Bronco


Howard Stern
Wonder Trash

Woody Allen
A Lewd Loony

Jennifer Aniston
Fine in Torn Jeans

Sylvester Stallone
Slovenly Steel Star

Paul McCartney
Pay Mr. Clean-Cut

Heidi Montag
Imagined Hot

George Clooney
Cool Energy, Ego

David Letterman
Nerd Amid Late TV

Sarah Palin
A Plain Rash



Leonard Nimoy
I'm Only a Drone

Drew Barrymore
Merry Wardrobe

Madonna Louise Ciccone
One Cool Dance Musician


* * *

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everybody's on dat FACEBOOK

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WARNING Signs you need a new doctor

• He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."

• Instead of rubber surgical gloves, he wears oven mitts.

• He is known to the other doctors as "the defendant."

• After examining you, he says, "Now your turn to do me."

• He sends you to the airport for x-rays.

• He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."

• He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."

• Instead of rubber surgical gloves, he wears oven mitts.

• He is known to the other doctors as "the defendant."

• After examining you, he says, "Now your turn to do me."

• He sends you to the airport for x-rays.

• He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."


• He tries to colour your X-rays with crayons.


• His examination room is Room 69 at the No-Tell Motel.



• He tells you his anesthesiologist name is "Jim Beam."

• Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to work this time."

• When he says “my practice” he means “to practice”.

• He faints at the sight if blood.

• He asks you for your phone number after a physical exam

* * *

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CELEB SAID -- DART SAID

THE DARTBOARD CALL THEM AS WE THEM -- WHEN "SHUT-UP" IS NOT ENOUGH


“I’ve been waiting so long to hug my grandchildren.”
Jon Voight

DART SAYS: Careful no inappropriate touching grandpa! It’s illegal in some states.


“I cultivated a real relationship with him the last 2 years of his life. It was the coolest thing. I would have tea with him- sometimes once a week, sometimes twice a week.”
Paula Abdul (about Simon Cowell)

DART SAYS: And some people cultivate wheat, corn, or rice.


“I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.”
Elton John

DART SAYS: Is that what BENNY AND THE JETS was all about?


"I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy,"
Bristol Palin

DART SAYS: And could she teach us about hunting polar bears and snow-shoeing in next 25 minutes?


"Mind-altering substances are so dangerous. If I can teach others, especially teens, by sharing my experiences, then that's what I will continue to do."
Lindsay Lohan

DART SAYS: Why not open a school with Bristol?


“Sometimes I find my head spinning. Not because of alcohol, but because of my life.”
Lady Gaga

DART SAYS: we think it’s more likely those stupid hats you wear pressing down on your skull.


“I broke no regulation, offered no 'safety risk' (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?) I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight.”
Kevin Smith

DART SAYS: Isn’t that the underwear bomber’s defence?


“I don't think I've ever liked having sex with someone more than two years!”
Jenny McCarthy

DART SAYS: WOW! Congrats! For some people more than 20 minutes with eyes closed is a major accomplishment.”


“Some people eat, some people drink -- but I Pledge everything.”
Johnny Weir (figure skater)

DART SAYS: Something tells us he’s not talking about polishing furniture, buy maybe he is.


“I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas.”
Robert Pattinson

DART SAYS: Smart guy, you’ll save lots of cash on condoms and mouthwash.


“No one believes me when I talk about this, but I'm really, really maternal.”
Megan Fox

DART SAYS: Make us believers – show us the breast-feeding pics.


“I didn't get them as big as I originally wanted.”
Heidi Montag

DART SAYS: BRAINS – right?


“Look, if I have to wear a trash bag I'll belt it with rhinestones and I'll make it work.”
Sandra Bullock

DART SAYS: It works for Amy Winehouse, right?

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How you can tell your boss (or husband, wife, favorite politician, golf pro, etc.) is a dirty cheating scumbag

* Instead of papers on his desk is a mattress.

* He answers his cellphone in a whisper when you’re close by.

* He advertises for new help on Craig’s List and does interviews by candelight wine and music, after hours.

* He changes his clothes when he leaves for lunch then changes them back when he gets back.

* He knows all the nearby hotels, their room rates, and the name of the maid on the 10th floor.

* His Facebook picture is a body part of his.

* If you ask him if he talks to his wife after sex, he tells you “Yes, if there is a phone nearby.”

* He goes to a convention in Las Vegas on every weekend.

* For office parties he uses blow-up condoms instead of balloons

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the dartboard interview: Kim Kardasian

dartboard: We’re just waiting for our guest Kim Kardasian to arrive. Oh, here she is...

Kim: So sorry I’m late. I feel like such an ass. I got rear-ended.

dartboard: A car accident?

Kim: What else?

dartboard: Sorry, just trying to made a bad crack.

Kim: Oh my! You mean my pants are too tight again?

dartboard: Never mind -- have a seat.

Kim: I know I do.

dartboard: By the way, how are things going with your man Reggie Bush?

Kim: Mmmmm I love Bush.

dartboard: Really. We didn’t know that.

Kim: Are you trying to make a bad crack about my favorite number one?

dartboard: No. Maybe. Everybody knows that Reggie is your favorite number two. By the way during football season and Reggie’s away playing ball, what do you do to keep busy?

Kim: Oh, I think of him day and night, night and day, while sucking on cucumbers and bananas.

dartboard: Too much information. Do you play football?

Kim: I’ve always like being a tight end.

dartboard: Tell us more, do you play in bed?

Kim: Reggie is really good at getting turn-overs and is really good at playing in the end zone, but

dartboard: Butt?

Kim: But, but, I prefer baseball. I love being the catcher.

dartboard: Won’t get there either.

Kim: Sorry, but really got to be going. I’m running behind, big time.

dartboard: What’s up?

Kim: I’m having a barbeque.

dartboard: Thought you were vegetarian?

Kim: I am -- I don’t cook hamburgers but people love my buns.

dartboard: And so do we.

* * *

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THE DARTBOARD: where all your questions get all the right answers

HEY Dart,

Hope you can read this, my typing really sucks. To get right to the point, my problem is that when I make love to my boyfriend, I am very loud. So loud it makes my lovers deaf. This has happened more than once. My whole apartment building complains of my noises.

The worst part was that last night I was so loud that it made my lover totally deaf. I now find it very hard to talk to him because he can't hear. In fact, I can't even ask him, 'How was I?'. What shall I do?

MONA LOTT

----------------

Mona, Mona, Mona,

Have you tried playing charades?

+ + +


Hello dart,

just wondering if you're alone? You are? That's great! And what are you wearing? Mmmmm that's sexy, very sexy! Can you take it off for me? WOW! You have such a beautiful body. Can you bring it a little closer to me? I bet you it's very warm and wet.

PHIL HERSNATCH

----------

Look P.H., if i told you once, I told you twice, Don't EVER bother me when I'm in the toilet!

+ + + +


Dart,
please I need you're help badly. I am a male, over fifty years old and I'm very embarrassed to admit it, but I NEVER, ever, not even once, have been on a blind date. Can you help?

STEVIE WONDER

---------------


Look Stevie, it's no wonder you haven't been on a blind date. Who would even think, let themselves even think, about going, on any kind of date, with someone with the name of STEVIE.


* * * *

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Nicole making SENSE?

(from the Huffington Post) Newly brunette mother-of-two Nicole Richie covers the March issue of British Marie Claire and inside she tries to lay rest to the rumors that she ever had an eating disorder.

"I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don't. It's extremely insulting and irresponsible," she told the magazine.

"An eating disorder is serious and it's a disease. I don't think you can lightly say someone has a disease unless they are openly telling you that they do."

Nicole started looking frighteningly thin towards the end of 2004 while filming 'The Simple Life.' In 2006 she sought medical treatment at her father's urging to stop her frame from shrinking any further.



* * *

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PROOF! You have been abducted and living with ALEINS.

 No cable TV. Just antennas.

 Tanning salons make you dark green or blue.

 Away games for their sport teams are more than a million miles away.

 Men have no desire to watch porn.

 No soft two-ply toilet paper.

 The planet had no (not one) ((nada)) Starbucks


 Children’s names are all numbers. Pre-schoolers are fractions.

 Reality TV and MTV are the only thing on television.

 The planet has no Elvis or Michael Jackson impersonators.

 They can figure out the Da Vinci Code in less than a minute.

 They laugh till they pee watching Will Farrell movies.

 It costs over $10,000 in change to phone home. Taking collect calls is not allowed and illegal.

 Everybody speaks Spanish.


* * *

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NEW uses - OLD products

* * *

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Does it come with a rubber?

From across the really, really, big pond, our favorite English newspaper THE SUN reports:

“TODAY we lift the lid on the latest internet craze - sex education illustrated with PENS.
It sees a range of stationery used to depict different types of couples and even saucy acts.
In the snaps, blue and red Biros represent men and women respectively.
Well-endowed fellas are chunky markers while transvestites are a mix of both colours.
And for those lacking a bit of lead in their pencil there's even a "Viagra" sharpener.
The cheeky pen portraits - which have been sweeping the web in an email - walk a fine line between being too rude and a write laugh.”


Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/2824439/Sex-education-explained-with-pens.html?#EMC-Bltn#ixzz0djeAOeud

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when ARNOLD speaks - you listen!

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CELINE, what are you thinking?

-- That’s it – no more lemon drops before the show.

-- I wish I would have remembered to put my teeth in.

-- That lipstick tasted funny – like Crazy Glue.

-- Does this face make my boobs look bigger?

-- Do you like my impression of a fish?

-- Oooooo I gotta go like a racehorse, I hope I can hold it in.

* * *

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THE DARTBOARD: Dart answers all your questions

Dear D.B.,
Just curious – but did you know if you read you name (D.B.), it sounds a like the girl's name Debbie. Isn’t that creepy?

I.M. Nutz

+ + +

Dear I.M.,
what is more creepy than that is your initials (I.M.) don’t tell me, or anybody else that cares, that if you’re male or female. D.B., (I'm trying to sound and act like a Debbie would) a good idea is maybe you should get that fixed before you ever write here ever again.

--------------

Dear Dart,
Hope you can help!!! My problem is food. My problem is eating. My problem is not eating any food. I love to cook but anything that comes off the stove never goes in my mouth. I go into Burger King and even the Whopper never even comes close to my lips. Same with McDonalds. I tried going vegetarian because I thought it would be less not to eat but that didn’t work. I just don’t what to do. My doctor tried to help me by giving me a prescription for donuts. I lied and told him I was a muffin person. He told me to “get stuffed”.

I know that you can give me the honesr advice that I need right now. I believe in your words. You and the tooth fairy are the only things that’s the real thing.

Please answer soon – my job as a lap dancer is on the line.

Luv ya,

Robin Graves

+ + +

Robin,

Okay, listen careful. So you don’t forget, maybe you should write this down. I’ll wait till you get a pen. La la la.

Ready? Good.

Now first thing to do is when you wake up in the morning, get out of bed, go to the kitchen, and eat a BIG bowl of bran flakes. If you don’t have any, get some raisin bran and pick out all the raisins, then eat what’s left in the box. Repeat at lunch. Then again at supper and again before bed.

If you wake-up in the night, run to the kitchen and have another BIG bowl. I guarantee by the following morning all your problems will be behind you.

If you’re wondering, I won’t be doing the same because honestly, I don’t give a crap!!

+ + +

Hey Dartboard,

I saw Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie on my TV last night.

Cy Koe

------

Did you try to push them off?

* * *

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I READ THE NEWS AGAIN TODAY (oh boy!)

USA TODAY reports that BURGER KING plans to pair beer and burgers in a new fast food eatery appropriately called the Whopper Bar in South Beach, Florida.

The restaurant will offer a range of burgers, toppings and beer, with a 'Whopper Combo' costing $7.99, or about $2 more than regular.

Whopper Bars will only open in South Beach, New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas.

+ + +

MEANWHILE... a "so-there!" rumor (idea?) comes from across the street at the home of Ronald and the BIG MAC.




* * *

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