the dartboard interview: Kim Kardasian

dartboard: We’re just waiting for our guest Kim Kardasian to arrive. Oh, here she is...

Kim: So sorry I’m late. I feel like such an ass. I got rear-ended.

dartboard: A car accident?

Kim: What else?

dartboard: Sorry, just trying to made a bad crack.

Kim: Oh my! You mean my pants are too tight again?

dartboard: Never mind -- have a seat.

Kim: I know I do.

dartboard: By the way, how are things going with your man Reggie Bush?

Kim: Mmmmm I love Bush.

dartboard: Really. We didn’t know that.

Kim: Are you trying to make a bad crack about my favorite number one?

dartboard: No. Maybe. Everybody knows that Reggie is your favorite number two. By the way during football season and Reggie’s away playing ball, what do you do to keep busy?

Kim: Oh, I think of him day and night, night and day, while sucking on cucumbers and bananas.

dartboard: Too much information. Do you play football?

Kim: I’ve always like being a tight end.

dartboard: Tell us more, do you play in bed?

Kim: Reggie is really good at getting turn-overs and is really good at playing in the end zone, but

dartboard: Butt?

Kim: But, but, I prefer baseball. I love being the catcher.

dartboard: Won’t get there either.

Kim: Sorry, but really got to be going. I’m running behind, big time.

dartboard: What’s up?

Kim: I’m having a barbeque.

dartboard: Thought you were vegetarian?

Kim: I am -- I don’t cook hamburgers but people love my buns.

dartboard: And so do we.

* * *

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THE DARTBOARD INTERVEW: Today's target - Ellen DeGeneres

D.B. -- Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Ellen.

ELLEN -- Thank you, is it my turn?

D.B. -- Not a pub game, THE DARTBOARD is an internet site.




ELLEN -- Is it gay porn? I love gay porn.

D.B. -- Sorry. Not really. Do you mind answering for us and our many readers a few questions today?

ELLEN -- Shoot! And shoot me with all your queries – ha, ha, ha, that’s a joke. Get it? QUEER – EES!

D.B. -- Seriously, why did you decide to come out of the closet when you did a few years ago.

ELLEN -- It was dark and I kept bumping into hangers and scratching my head. Not attractive. The worst part was it smelled like moths, specifically moth balls. You know what male moths have between their little moth legs.? Get that one! Ha ha ha! I'm just so full of jokes.

D.B. -- Yes, full of it - can I ask you a fashion question?

ELLEN -- Is it a query? Ha ha, I'm on a roll. I can’t stop. Hit me!

D.B. -- Okay.

ELLEN -- Ouch, my arm. That hurt. What’s the question?

D.B. -- Do you ever wear any dresses and high heels?

ELLEN -- Just to bed, when it’s my turn.

D.B. -- Have you ever had long hair?

ELLEN -- Just on my legs.

D.B. -- Let’s change the subject…

ELLEN -- I’m not changing into a dress if that’s what you’re hinting.

D.B. -- Not. Okay, now that you’re the new judge on AMERICAN IDOL, are you looking forward to sitting next to Simon?

ELLEN -- Looking forward to it… hell ya, she’s one of my favorite woman singers. My all-time favorite song has always been “You’re So Vain”.

D.B. -- No, no, no, Simon Cowell. You’re thinking of Carly Simon.

ELLEN -- Ahhhhhhhh, yessssss I am, Not a secret anymore, I’m always thinking of her -- all the time -- mmmmmmm mmmmm.

D.B. -- Well, that's so interesting, but I'm afraid we're out of the space. Thank you for sharing your life and joining us here. It’s been a real treat and pleasure to talk to you, the second most funniest lesbian comedienne in all the world.

ELLEN -- Second? What? Who’s first?

D.B. -- Rosie O’Donnell, that’s obvious.

ELLEN -- NO! It’s not obvious. It’s obvious that I am.

D.B. -- No it’s Rosie.

ELLEN -- ME!

D.B. -- No ROSIE!

ELLEN -- NO IT”S ME ME ME ME ME!

D.B. -- ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE!

ELLEN -- GOOD-BYE!

* * *

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I READ THE NEWS TODAY (OH BOY!)

WASHINGTON (AFP) - US media on Tuesday published photos of the singed underwear that a Nigerian terror suspect allegedly wore to hide explosives in his failed attempt to blow up an airplane over the United States.
The pictures showed a packet of powder explosives that had been sewn into the crotch of the undergarment, as well as a charred, partially melted plastic syringe that held a liquid acid to detonate the bomb.
The specially modified, beige-colored briefs allegedly were worn by 23-year-old suspect Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab during his Christmas Day attempt to bring down the Detroit-bound Airbus A330 with 290 people on board.
According to charging documents last week, the bomb stashed inside Abdulmutallab's underwear contained about 80 grams of the explosive PETN, also known as pentaerythritol.



Hmmm, the DARTBOARD has its own questions:

o During questioning if he is caught making an untrue statement, will the FBI shout “LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!”

o If he succeeded and when to his heaven, will he able to perform with the 23 virgins that would be waiting for him?

o If he decided to put the explosives in his shoe instead, and it was Christmas Day, would he be labeled the MISSILE TOE BOMBER?

o If he had links to Al-Qaeda, might he also have links to YouTube, MySpace, and Ebay.

o If guilty, would it be proven that he had a package in his package?

* * *

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HOW NOT TO BE SO OFFENSIVE at work

>>> 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f*ck you’re doing.

>>> 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f*cking kiss *ss.

>>> 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: What will you f*ckin’ pay me for this?

>>> 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way.

>>> 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh*tting me!

>>> 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with someone.
INSTEAD OF: Go tell someone who gives a sh*t.

>>> 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f*cking problem.

>>> 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

>>> 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won’t work.

>>> 10
TRY SAYING I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: I’ll see if I have the f*ckin’ time.

>>> 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his *ss.

>>> 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, do you mind sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die, *sshole.

>>> 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Tell me what’s the f*ckin’ problem.

>>> 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I’m busy.

>>> 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Listen again f*ckface.

>>> 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This is bullsh*t.

>>> 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck died and made you boss?

>>> 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s an *sshole and a pr*ck.

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time to ASK LILO: Ms L. Lohan, your fanatical and loyal fans want to know -- what's the first thing you do after waking up in the morning?

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THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Britney Spears

THE DARTBOARD: Welcome Ms Spears to THE DARTBOARD.

BRITNEY SPEARS: (silence)

D.B: Pardon?

BRIT: (silence)

D.B: I’m sorry Britney, your lips are moving but I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

BRIT: Dang! You mean this isn’t a concert. No wonder I didn’t hear my taped voice singin'.

D.B: Can we get you anything?

BRIT: Dang, how about bringin’ me a Black Russian.

D.B: Sorry we don’t have alcohol here.

BRIT: Dang, I didn’t say a drink – I meant a dude from you know Moscow.

D.B: Before we start, Britney, would you mind closing your legs? It’s very distracting.

BRIT: Dang, you mean, oops I did it again. I forgot my undies in the car.

D.B: To get to know you a little better, what are your hobbies?

BRIT: Dang, I like to hang out in clubs.


D.B: Yes we can see. Anything else?

BRIT: Dang, does gettin' married to losers and havin’ babies count?

D.B: Not really.

BRIT: Dang! Not my babies now anyway, they belong to Fedex.

D.B: You mean K-Fed?.

BRIT: Whatever.

D.B: You forgot to say “dang”.

BRIT: Dang – I didn’t notice. Musta forgot.

D.B: I see you brought a banjo with you. We didn’t know you played.

BRIT: Dang, I don’t. I just brought it with me.

D.B: Okay, by the way, how are the babies?

BRIT: Dang, I read in People Magazine, that their fine, fine, fine.

D.B: Do you miss them?

BRIT: Dang, if I missed babies, I could always make another one. I'm ready. I already got my expectin’ baby clothes at home. Dang, this time I’ll name the lil fella CHUCK.

D.B: Chuck?

BRIT: Dang, Chuck Spears, get it!

D.B: Right. Maybe you should give up singing and try telling jokes?

BRIT: Dang, I believe I gave up singing when I was in the Mickey Mouse Club

D.B: And we believe this interview is over.

BRIT: Dang, can I uncross my legs now?

* * *

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MISTER BILL CLINTON, in your esteemed and regarded opinion, are cigarettes or cigars better?

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THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Lindsay Lohan

DARTBOARD: Welcome to MY DARTBOARD Lindsay.

LINDSAY LOHAN: Thank you very much. It’s nice to be here. Sorry, where am I? Do you have any free stuff?

D.B. -- Sorry LiLo this isn’t a clothes store or a nightclub. Maybe a Kleenex, for your cold – you keep sniffling

LiLo -- No, not a cold. I mean ya, that’s it, it’s a cold, a cold yes.

D.B. -- I notice there is some white powder around your…

LiLo -- Oh that’s just cold medicine, that’s it, cold medicine.

D.B. -- If you say so.

LiLo -- If you thought it was something else – no way.I went to rehab remember. A few years ago. I think? I don’t do that anymore. Do you have any straws I can take home?

D.B. -- Let’s change the subject. We haven’t seen any movies from you in awhile – can we expect something soon?

LiLo -- Expecting me – who do you think I am that slut Spears. No expecting here! I practice safe sex. You know what they say ”practice, practice, practice”.

D.B. -- Just to clear things up for our readers - are you really bi-sexual?

LiLo -- Everything I buy is sexual yes.

D.B. -- Back to movies, I meant. Will we be seeing any of yours from you soon.

LiLo -- No way. Unless you break into my bedroom and take-off with my camcorder.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

LiLo -- Excuse me, it might be my mom or dad… Aha. Aha. Aha. Damn it! I’m going to fire my agent.

D.B. -- I didn’t know you had an entertainment agent.

LiLo -- I don’t. That was my real estate agent. He keeps putting FOR SALE signs in front of my house because I never sleep there.

D.B. -- So, where do you sleep?

LiLo -- I sleep around.

D.B. -- Sleep around – tell us something we don’t know.

LiLo -- Alright. Did you know when it’s midnight here in Los Angeles, it’s a different time in China.

D.B. -- Yes ,we all knew that.

LiLo -- Damn it. I came out here to talk about my doll.

D.B. -- You mean YOUR x-doll Sam Ronson? I really wouldn’t call her a doll.

LiLo -- No, no, no, my plastic one, my action figure.

D.B. -- Action. Plastic. So appropriate. And so cute. I can see the resemblance.



LiLo -- Yeah, and it’s SO fitting and it looks just like me. I posed for it. I'm a good model, y'know.

D.B. -- Not for children. (clears throat)
Speaking of looks, you’re looking kind of thin – are you on some kind of diet?

LiLo -- No way, no diet. I eat at least a dozen donuts a day.

D.B. -- Do you prefer Tasty Cream or Dunkin’ Donuts?

LiLo -- No, no, you know those little ones. Cheerios.

D.B. -- Ok. Lindsay Lohan.

LiLo -- Yes.

D.B. -- Good-bye.

***

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cuming soon

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OUT OF (birth) CONTROL

Going through our massive files, filing cabinets (6 drawers high) and endless archives and overflowing garbage bins, THE DARTBOARD found this lost chat between the DART and the now famous, then advice-seeking, OCTOMOM, before she gained that meaningful and descriptive title that made her, and TMZ, and Doctor Phil, famous.

She had some questions that hopefully THE DART could answer.

OCTOMOM: I'm two months pregnant with my first baby now. When will my baby move?
DART: With any luck, right after his/her/its 16th birthday or after he/she/it finishes college.

OCTOMOM: With your expertise, what is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
DART: Childbirth.

OCTOMOM: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
DART: Yes, another pregnancy.

OCTOMOM: Being two months pregnant, I'm at times very moody and sometimes borderline irrational.
DART: So what's your question? YOU STUPID DUMB BITCH!

OCTOMOM: Do I have to have a baby shower?
DART: Not if you change their diapers often.

OCTOMOM: Do you think it’s alright to have a baby after 25?
DART: No, 25 children is enough.

DART: Where are you going? Did your water break? Hey you, WAIT A MINUTE, SIT DOWN -- you owe me money for this consultation!!!

DART: OCTO-BITCH!

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