Showing posts with label celebrity gossip. Show all posts
Showing posts with label celebrity gossip. Show all posts
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
CELEB SAID -- DART SAID
THE DARTBOARD CALL THEM AS WE THEM -- WHEN "SHUT-UP" IS NOT ENOUGH
“I’ve been waiting so long to hug my grandchildren.”
Jon Voight
DART SAYS: Careful no inappropriate touching grandpa! It’s illegal in some states.
“I cultivated a real relationship with him the last 2 years of his life. It was the coolest thing. I would have tea with him- sometimes once a week, sometimes twice a week.”
Paula Abdul (about Simon Cowell)
DART SAYS: And some people cultivate wheat, corn, or rice.
“I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.”
Elton John
DART SAYS: Is that what BENNY AND THE JETS was all about?
"I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy,"
Bristol Palin
DART SAYS: And could she teach us about hunting polar bears and snow-shoeing in next 25 minutes?
"Mind-altering substances are so dangerous. If I can teach others, especially teens, by sharing my experiences, then that's what I will continue to do."
Lindsay Lohan
DART SAYS: Why not open a school with Bristol?
“Sometimes I find my head spinning. Not because of alcohol, but because of my life.”
Lady Gaga
DART SAYS: we think it’s more likely those stupid hats you wear pressing down on your skull.
“I broke no regulation, offered no 'safety risk' (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?) I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight.”
Kevin Smith
DART SAYS: Isn’t that the underwear bomber’s defence?
“I don't think I've ever liked having sex with someone more than two years!”
Jenny McCarthy
DART SAYS: WOW! Congrats! For some people more than 20 minutes with eyes closed is a major accomplishment.”
“Some people eat, some people drink -- but I Pledge everything.”
Johnny Weir (figure skater)
DART SAYS: Something tells us he’s not talking about polishing furniture, buy maybe he is.
“I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas.”
Robert Pattinson
DART SAYS: Smart guy, you’ll save lots of cash on condoms and mouthwash.
“No one believes me when I talk about this, but I'm really, really maternal.”
Megan Fox
DART SAYS: Make us believers – show us the breast-feeding pics.
“I didn't get them as big as I originally wanted.”
Heidi Montag
DART SAYS: BRAINS – right?
“Look, if I have to wear a trash bag I'll belt it with rhinestones and I'll make it work.”
Sandra Bullock
DART SAYS: It works for Amy Winehouse, right?
“I’ve been waiting so long to hug my grandchildren.”
Jon Voight
DART SAYS: Careful no inappropriate touching grandpa! It’s illegal in some states.
“I cultivated a real relationship with him the last 2 years of his life. It was the coolest thing. I would have tea with him- sometimes once a week, sometimes twice a week.”
Paula Abdul (about Simon Cowell)
DART SAYS: And some people cultivate wheat, corn, or rice.
“I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.”
Elton John
DART SAYS: Is that what BENNY AND THE JETS was all about?
"I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy,"
Bristol Palin
DART SAYS: And could she teach us about hunting polar bears and snow-shoeing in next 25 minutes?
"Mind-altering substances are so dangerous. If I can teach others, especially teens, by sharing my experiences, then that's what I will continue to do."
Lindsay Lohan
DART SAYS: Why not open a school with Bristol?
“Sometimes I find my head spinning. Not because of alcohol, but because of my life.”
Lady Gaga
DART SAYS: we think it’s more likely those stupid hats you wear pressing down on your skull.
“I broke no regulation, offered no 'safety risk' (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?) I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight.”
Kevin Smith
DART SAYS: Isn’t that the underwear bomber’s defence?
“I don't think I've ever liked having sex with someone more than two years!”
Jenny McCarthy
DART SAYS: WOW! Congrats! For some people more than 20 minutes with eyes closed is a major accomplishment.”
“Some people eat, some people drink -- but I Pledge everything.”
Johnny Weir (figure skater)
DART SAYS: Something tells us he’s not talking about polishing furniture, buy maybe he is.
“I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas.”
Robert Pattinson
DART SAYS: Smart guy, you’ll save lots of cash on condoms and mouthwash.
“No one believes me when I talk about this, but I'm really, really maternal.”
Megan Fox
DART SAYS: Make us believers – show us the breast-feeding pics.
“I didn't get them as big as I originally wanted.”
Heidi Montag
DART SAYS: BRAINS – right?
“Look, if I have to wear a trash bag I'll belt it with rhinestones and I'll make it work.”
Sandra Bullock
DART SAYS: It works for Amy Winehouse, right?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
the dartboard interview: Kim Kardasian
dartboard: We’re just waiting for our guest Kim Kardasian to arrive. Oh, here she is...
Kim: So sorry I’m late. I feel like such an ass. I got rear-ended.
dartboard: A car accident?
Kim: What else?
dartboard: Sorry, just trying to made a bad crack.
Kim: Oh my! You mean my pants are too tight again?
dartboard: Never mind -- have a seat.
Kim: I know I do.
dartboard: By the way, how are things going with your man Reggie Bush?
Kim: Mmmmm I love Bush.
dartboard: Really. We didn’t know that.
Kim: Are you trying to make a bad crack about my favorite number one?
dartboard: No. Maybe. Everybody knows that Reggie is your favorite number two. By the way during football season and Reggie’s away playing ball, what do you do to keep busy?
Kim: Oh, I think of him day and night, night and day, while sucking on cucumbers and bananas.
dartboard: Too much information. Do you play football?
Kim: I’ve always like being a tight end.
dartboard: Tell us more, do you play in bed?
Kim: Reggie is really good at getting turn-overs and is really good at playing in the end zone, but
dartboard: Butt?
Kim: But, but, I prefer baseball. I love being the catcher.
dartboard: Won’t get there either.
Kim: Sorry, but really got to be going. I’m running behind, big time.
dartboard: What’s up?
Kim: I’m having a barbeque.
dartboard: Thought you were vegetarian?
Kim: I am -- I don’t cook hamburgers but people love my buns.
dartboard: And so do we.
* * *
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Nicole making SENSE?
(from the Huffington Post) Newly brunette mother-of-two Nicole Richie covers the March issue of British Marie Claire and inside she tries to lay rest to the rumors that she ever had an eating disorder.
"I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don't. It's extremely insulting and irresponsible," she told the magazine.
"An eating disorder is serious and it's a disease. I don't think you can lightly say someone has a disease unless they are openly telling you that they do."
Nicole started looking frighteningly thin towards the end of 2004 while filming 'The Simple Life.' In 2006 she sought medical treatment at her father's urging to stop her frame from shrinking any further.
* * *
"I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don't. It's extremely insulting and irresponsible," she told the magazine.
"An eating disorder is serious and it's a disease. I don't think you can lightly say someone has a disease unless they are openly telling you that they do."
Nicole started looking frighteningly thin towards the end of 2004 while filming 'The Simple Life.' In 2006 she sought medical treatment at her father's urging to stop her frame from shrinking any further.
* * *
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Mariah Carey -- she gets BUSTED!
DARTBOARD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD Mariah Carey.
MARIAH: Thank you, can I sit down?
DARTBOARD: Sure. Just wondering, do you read what the newspapers, gossip magazines, and entertainment shows, say about you?
MARIAH: I try to keep abreast of that.
DARTBOARD: What about what happened recently at that awards show where you appeared to be drunk?
MARIAH: Oh that – yes that, I feel like such a boob about that.
DARTBOARD: People said some pretty mean things about you.
MARIAH: I know I have my knockers.
DARTBOARD: I hear your making a new movie with some special effects in it. Can you tell us anything about it?
MARIAH: Sorry, all I can tell you it it will be more than exciting than 3D or triple D as I size it up.
DARTBOARD: I can see that.
MARIAH: I noticed you drove here in your new car.
DARTBOARD: Yes. I got cause it’s very safe, it has huge airbags.
DARTBOARD: Good looking car.
MARIAH: Yeah, Notice the big set of headlights.
DARTBOARD: I did. Where were you coming from?
MARIAH: Oh I was having some a fruit at a restaurant.
DARTBOARD: You like fruit?
MARIAH: I love my melons and my coconuts really stand out.
DARTBOARD: OK.
MARIAH: And they have fresh ones at Hooters. And they have the most delicious cold iced tea.
DARTBOARD: Is that your favorite drink?
MARIAH: Oh yes, I have big jugs at home.
DARTBOARD: I heard you’re on your way to the airport. Going to France?
MARIAH: Oooooo yes, I love to tan at Cannes.
DARTBOARD: Have Fun.
MARIAH: Ciao. And big ta-tas to all my fans.
DARTBOARD: Thanks for nipping in.
* * *
MARIAH: Thank you, can I sit down?
DARTBOARD: Sure. Just wondering, do you read what the newspapers, gossip magazines, and entertainment shows, say about you?
MARIAH: I try to keep abreast of that.
DARTBOARD: What about what happened recently at that awards show where you appeared to be drunk?
MARIAH: Oh that – yes that, I feel like such a boob about that.
DARTBOARD: People said some pretty mean things about you.
MARIAH: I know I have my knockers.
DARTBOARD: I hear your making a new movie with some special effects in it. Can you tell us anything about it?
MARIAH: Sorry, all I can tell you it it will be more than exciting than 3D or triple D as I size it up.
DARTBOARD: I can see that.
MARIAH: I noticed you drove here in your new car.
DARTBOARD: Yes. I got cause it’s very safe, it has huge airbags.
DARTBOARD: Good looking car.
MARIAH: Yeah, Notice the big set of headlights.
DARTBOARD: I did. Where were you coming from?
MARIAH: Oh I was having some a fruit at a restaurant.
DARTBOARD: You like fruit?
MARIAH: I love my melons and my coconuts really stand out.
DARTBOARD: OK.
MARIAH: And they have fresh ones at Hooters. And they have the most delicious cold iced tea.
DARTBOARD: Is that your favorite drink?
MARIAH: Oh yes, I have big jugs at home.
DARTBOARD: I heard you’re on your way to the airport. Going to France?
MARIAH: Oooooo yes, I love to tan at Cannes.
DARTBOARD: Have Fun.
MARIAH: Ciao. And big ta-tas to all my fans.
DARTBOARD: Thanks for nipping in.
* * *
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Revealed: ACCORDING TO THE NY POST: 12,775 conquests by Hollywood’s greatest loverboy (Warren Beatty)
HMMMMMM...
{more of what THE NY POST says}
'How many women were there? Easier to count the stars in the sky
But in his rollicking new book "Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America" (Simon & Schuster), biographer Peter Biskind hazards a guess about the conquests of Hollywood's most notorious lothario -- based, he says, on "simple arithmetic. "Biskind estimates "12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on.
{MEANWHILE website NEWSER'S Nathan Heller calculates}
13 Reasons Warren Beatty Didn't Bed 13K Women
Herewith, 13 reasons why Warren Beatty probably seduced less of America than his biographer believes:
1 - Biskind assumes either that Beatty bedded each partner only once, in the manner of insects, or that he carried on at least two relationships every day of his life, which challenges everything we know about the possibilities for getting from here to there in L.A. traffic.
2 - Today, good noninvasive birth-control measures have a failure rate of about 1 percent. If Beatty's encounters had followed these odds, he might have conceived more than 100 children. For the intractable complications thereof, see (1).
3 - If Beatty failed to make a conquest in the course of a day, he would have needed to redouble his efforts to maintain Biskind's average. For example, he might have had to seduce four separate women one day to catch up after inclement weather or a rigorous filming schedule. An observation from personal experience: I met two friends on opposite ends of town for coffee on Saturday. It took the whole day. Good luck fitting sex in there.
4 - Another observation from personal experience: Seducing four women a day is not possible.
5 - Biskind's proposed seduction rate also does not allow for the possibility of intermittent trips to the grocery store.
6 - Or squash.
7 - Why was Beatty, a movie star, coming into contact with so many strangers, anyway? Was he a) going door-to-door? b) hanging out in malls?
8 - If he was hanging out in malls, should we feel sorry for him? Note that Beatty had no iPhone.
9 - In order to meet Biskind's estimate, Beatty would have had to seduce more women per week than James Bond, which is impossible to fathom.
10 - Bedsores.
11 - Herpes.
12 - Biskind's model doesn't account for the fact that Beatty came increasingly to resemble Rick Moranis.
13 - Was Warren Beatty ever really that irresistible to begin with? François Truffaut famously said of the actor, on turning down Bonnie and Clyde, a script he admired, "Better not to make a film at all than to make it with men like this." Surely Truffaut was not an isolated case.
{more of what THE NY POST says}
'How many women were there? Easier to count the stars in the sky
But in his rollicking new book "Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America" (Simon & Schuster), biographer Peter Biskind hazards a guess about the conquests of Hollywood's most notorious lothario -- based, he says, on "simple arithmetic. "Biskind estimates "12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on.
{MEANWHILE website NEWSER'S Nathan Heller calculates}
13 Reasons Warren Beatty Didn't Bed 13K Women
Herewith, 13 reasons why Warren Beatty probably seduced less of America than his biographer believes:
1 - Biskind assumes either that Beatty bedded each partner only once, in the manner of insects, or that he carried on at least two relationships every day of his life, which challenges everything we know about the possibilities for getting from here to there in L.A. traffic.
2 - Today, good noninvasive birth-control measures have a failure rate of about 1 percent. If Beatty's encounters had followed these odds, he might have conceived more than 100 children. For the intractable complications thereof, see (1).
3 - If Beatty failed to make a conquest in the course of a day, he would have needed to redouble his efforts to maintain Biskind's average. For example, he might have had to seduce four separate women one day to catch up after inclement weather or a rigorous filming schedule. An observation from personal experience: I met two friends on opposite ends of town for coffee on Saturday. It took the whole day. Good luck fitting sex in there.
4 - Another observation from personal experience: Seducing four women a day is not possible.
5 - Biskind's proposed seduction rate also does not allow for the possibility of intermittent trips to the grocery store.
6 - Or squash.
7 - Why was Beatty, a movie star, coming into contact with so many strangers, anyway? Was he a) going door-to-door? b) hanging out in malls?
8 - If he was hanging out in malls, should we feel sorry for him? Note that Beatty had no iPhone.
9 - In order to meet Biskind's estimate, Beatty would have had to seduce more women per week than James Bond, which is impossible to fathom.
10 - Bedsores.
11 - Herpes.
12 - Biskind's model doesn't account for the fact that Beatty came increasingly to resemble Rick Moranis.
13 - Was Warren Beatty ever really that irresistible to begin with? François Truffaut famously said of the actor, on turning down Bonnie and Clyde, a script he admired, "Better not to make a film at all than to make it with men like this." Surely Truffaut was not an isolated case.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
LADY GAGA >> WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
o Get me a maxi-pad quick, it’s that time of the month again.
o I’m okay, just a deep flesh wound.
o Who took my good dress?
o I seem to always cut myself shaving.
o Is this the TWILGHT audition?
o No refunds if I don’t make the show.
o It’s not real blood, it’s cow blood.
o Do ya think I look good in red?
o NO! I’m not Courtney Love!!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
who's staying @ the HILTON?
(NEWSER) – Paris Hilton is sleeping with a pig again—no, not boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, an actual pig. The heiress with discerning taste is obsessed with Princess Piglette, the newest of her litter of pets. “Doug and I will be lying in bed, watching DVDs, and she’ll just lie there between us,” she says of the micro-pig in a Hello! article obtained by the Daily Mail.
WHAT IS THE PIG THINKING?
>> She always HOGS the blanket.
>> I'm SOW sorry to all my Jewish friends.
>> Can we go SHOPPING without the paparazzi following us?
>> She’s just using me for the BACON.
>> Somebody tell her, I’m not into BESTIALITY.
>> Read my lips “OINK means OINK!”
>> Hope I'm not the one the Friars are roasting.
>> I’m not going back to the PIG PEN.
>> Cover me I’m NAKED!
>> Pig and a COW -- is there a problem?
>> Wanna buy our VIDEO "One Night in the Mud"?
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Tom Cruise
DARTBOARD: Welcome TOM to THE DARTBOARD. We all know that you’re only 5’ 7” -- so we’ll keep it short. Can we get you anything?
TOM CRUISE: Do you have any TAPS around? I could use some water.
D.B.: Here you go… Mister Cruise, you’ve had a very successful career in movies. Why do you think that is?
T.C.: It’s no doubt THE COLOR OF MONEY, this is a RISKY BUSINESS and I managed to make ALL THE RIGHT MOVES when people said for me it was a MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.
D.B.: And you’ve been with some pretty HOT and beautiful women – Nicole Kidman for instance.
T.C.: Do you really want to know about her? Ask her about me and she’ll tell you a COCKTAIL – she’ll tell you about my TOP GUN – know what I mean? A FEW GOOD MEN sure would.
D.B.: Changing the subject, you are now a father. Were you there with Katie for their births?
T.C.: I sure was there – watching with my EYES WIDE SHUT.
D.B.: Any regrets about that?
T.C.: Just one. I just wish one of them was BORN ON THE FORTH OF JULY
D.B.: Tom Cruise, I’m sorry but I think the only reason you’ve come to THE DARTBOARD is to promote your movies. If that’s true, you better leave.
T.C.: Gotta run anyway – it looks like RAIN MAN – probably DAYS OF THUNDER ahead.
D.B.: Good luck with the Scientology!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Britney Spears
THE DARTBOARD: Welcome Ms Spears to THE DARTBOARD.
BRITNEY SPEARS: (silence)
D.B: Pardon?
BRIT: (silence)
D.B: I’m sorry Britney, your lips are moving but I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
BRIT: Dang! You mean this isn’t a concert. No wonder I didn’t hear my taped voice singin'.
D.B: Can we get you anything?
BRIT: Dang, how about bringin’ me a Black Russian.
D.B: Sorry we don’t have alcohol here.
BRIT: Dang, I didn’t say a drink – I meant a dude from you know Moscow.
D.B: Before we start, Britney, would you mind closing your legs? It’s very distracting.
BRIT: Dang, you mean, oops I did it again. I forgot my undies in the car.
D.B: To get to know you a little better, what are your hobbies?
BRIT: Dang, I like to hang out in clubs.
D.B: Yes we can see. Anything else?
BRIT: Dang, does gettin' married to losers and havin’ babies count?
D.B: Not really.
BRIT: Dang! Not my babies now anyway, they belong to Fedex.
D.B: You mean K-Fed?.
BRIT: Whatever.
D.B: You forgot to say “dang”.
BRIT: Dang – I didn’t notice. Musta forgot.
D.B: I see you brought a banjo with you. We didn’t know you played.
BRIT: Dang, I don’t. I just brought it with me.
D.B: Okay, by the way, how are the babies?
BRIT: Dang, I read in People Magazine, that their fine, fine, fine.
D.B: Do you miss them?
BRIT: Dang, if I missed babies, I could always make another one. I'm ready. I already got my expectin’ baby clothes at home. Dang, this time I’ll name the lil fella CHUCK.
D.B: Chuck?
BRIT: Dang, Chuck Spears, get it!
D.B: Right. Maybe you should give up singing and try telling jokes?
BRIT: Dang, I believe I gave up singing when I was in the Mickey Mouse Club
D.B: And we believe this interview is over.
BRIT: Dang, can I uncross my legs now?
* * *
BRITNEY SPEARS: (silence)
D.B: Pardon?
BRIT: (silence)
D.B: I’m sorry Britney, your lips are moving but I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
BRIT: Dang! You mean this isn’t a concert. No wonder I didn’t hear my taped voice singin'.
D.B: Can we get you anything?
BRIT: Dang, how about bringin’ me a Black Russian.
D.B: Sorry we don’t have alcohol here.
BRIT: Dang, I didn’t say a drink – I meant a dude from you know Moscow.
D.B: Before we start, Britney, would you mind closing your legs? It’s very distracting.
BRIT: Dang, you mean, oops I did it again. I forgot my undies in the car.
D.B: To get to know you a little better, what are your hobbies?
BRIT: Dang, I like to hang out in clubs.
D.B: Yes we can see. Anything else?
BRIT: Dang, does gettin' married to losers and havin’ babies count?
D.B: Not really.
BRIT: Dang! Not my babies now anyway, they belong to Fedex.
D.B: You mean K-Fed?.
BRIT: Whatever.
D.B: You forgot to say “dang”.
BRIT: Dang – I didn’t notice. Musta forgot.
D.B: I see you brought a banjo with you. We didn’t know you played.
BRIT: Dang, I don’t. I just brought it with me.
D.B: Okay, by the way, how are the babies?
BRIT: Dang, I read in People Magazine, that their fine, fine, fine.
D.B: Do you miss them?
BRIT: Dang, if I missed babies, I could always make another one. I'm ready. I already got my expectin’ baby clothes at home. Dang, this time I’ll name the lil fella CHUCK.
D.B: Chuck?
BRIT: Dang, Chuck Spears, get it!
D.B: Right. Maybe you should give up singing and try telling jokes?
BRIT: Dang, I believe I gave up singing when I was in the Mickey Mouse Club
D.B: And we believe this interview is over.
BRIT: Dang, can I uncross my legs now?
* * *
Monday, December 21, 2009
meanwhile back in merry old...
The Brits are reading in their morning paper THE SUN that MADONNA has been named as the most written about celebrity of the past decade in Britain. Researchers found Madge, 51, was featured in 45,633 national newspaper articles.
Why? Here’s why THE DARTBOARD thinks this is so.
Can easily beat Britney Spears in a wrestling match.
Favorite food is fish & chips.
Her name rhymes with prima donna.
More likely to pose nude than Susan Boyle.
She has good teeth.
She learned to speak with an English accent.
She lives there now.
She married and divorced an Englishman.
She’s prettier than the Queen.
Takes up less space and ink in publications because no mentioning of her last name is necessary.
THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Lindsay Lohan
DARTBOARD: Welcome to MY DARTBOARD Lindsay.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Thank you very much. It’s nice to be here. Sorry, where am I? Do you have any free stuff?
D.B. -- Sorry LiLo this isn’t a clothes store or a nightclub. Maybe a Kleenex, for your cold – you keep sniffling
LiLo -- No, not a cold. I mean ya, that’s it, it’s a cold, a cold yes.
D.B. -- I notice there is some white powder around your…
LiLo -- Oh that’s just cold medicine, that’s it, cold medicine.
D.B. -- If you say so.
LiLo -- If you thought it was something else – no way.I went to rehab remember. A few years ago. I think? I don’t do that anymore. Do you have any straws I can take home?
D.B. -- Let’s change the subject. We haven’t seen any movies from you in awhile – can we expect something soon?
LiLo -- Expecting me – who do you think I am that slut Spears. No expecting here! I practice safe sex. You know what they say ”practice, practice, practice”.
D.B. -- Just to clear things up for our readers - are you really bi-sexual?
LiLo -- Everything I buy is sexual yes.
D.B. -- Back to movies, I meant. Will we be seeing any of yours from you soon.
LiLo -- No way. Unless you break into my bedroom and take-off with my camcorder.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
LiLo -- Excuse me, it might be my mom or dad… Aha. Aha. Aha. Damn it! I’m going to fire my agent.
D.B. -- I didn’t know you had an entertainment agent.
LiLo -- I don’t. That was my real estate agent. He keeps putting FOR SALE signs in front of my house because I never sleep there.
D.B. -- So, where do you sleep?
LiLo -- I sleep around.
D.B. -- Sleep around – tell us something we don’t know.
LiLo -- Alright. Did you know when it’s midnight here in Los Angeles, it’s a different time in China.
D.B. -- Yes ,we all knew that.
LiLo -- Damn it. I came out here to talk about my doll.
D.B. -- You mean YOUR x-doll Sam Ronson? I really wouldn’t call her a doll.
LiLo -- No, no, no, my plastic one, my action figure.
D.B. -- Action. Plastic. So appropriate. And so cute. I can see the resemblance.
LiLo -- Yeah, and it’s SO fitting and it looks just like me. I posed for it. I'm a good model, y'know.
D.B. -- Not for children. (clears throat)
Speaking of looks, you’re looking kind of thin – are you on some kind of diet?
LiLo -- No way, no diet. I eat at least a dozen donuts a day.
D.B. -- Do you prefer Tasty Cream or Dunkin’ Donuts?
LiLo -- No, no, you know those little ones. Cheerios.
D.B. -- Ok. Lindsay Lohan.
LiLo -- Yes.
D.B. -- Good-bye.
***
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: DART POKES while LADY PAM -- she SPAMS
DARTBOARD: Welcome Pam. A.
PAMELA ANDERSON: Thank you it’s always great to be on television.
D: Sorry, this isn’t TV.
P.A.: Radio then, I just love talking on the radio. I love Howard Stern.
D: Sorry Ms. Anderson, wrong again. Sorry this isn’t radio.
P.A.: Then what is this? I don’t just not wear a bra for everyone. Well I do but…
D: Sorry to interrupt but, the DARTBOARD is a webpage. People will be reading this like a book.
P.A.: A book?
D: Yes a book, that you read.
P.A.: Ok. I think I was told about them.
D: We’re getting off track -- let’s get to business. What do we owe this interview to? Are you here to talk your d-cups and your coffee shops?
P.A.: I’m always doing that, you see them, you like them, they’re new ones.
D: Yes good job, they look real. So what brings you here to the DARTBOARD.
P.A.: My sports car, a brand new pink Porche convertible. I has it made special for me.
D: Top down?
P.A.: Every chance I get!
D: Right, that’s obvious. Big headlights too, I bet.
P.A.: Huh?
D: What I meant was, are you here to promote something, a new movie? Maybe a Baywatch reunion, a Playboy cover, a new TV series?
P.A.: None of the above.
D: Then I assume you’re here to talk about PETA?
P.A.: You mean People who Eat Tasty Animals. Nope I’m here because I realized, and so did others, that it’s business that I’m built for.
D: No argument there.
P.A.: I’m here to announce the opening of my new massage parlor.
D: But P.A., you must realize that there are many of those already around here.
P.A.: Yes, but mine will be different.
D: How’s that?
P.A.: Mine will be self-serve.
D: Pamela Anderson.
P.A.: Yes?
D: Good bye!
P.A.: Yes, there will be, half-price opening special. Just mention my name. Hope everybody comes.
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