CELEB SAID -- DART SAID

THE DARTBOARD CALL THEM AS WE THEM -- WHEN "SHUT-UP" IS NOT ENOUGH


“I’ve been waiting so long to hug my grandchildren.”
Jon Voight

DART SAYS: Careful no inappropriate touching grandpa! It’s illegal in some states.


“I cultivated a real relationship with him the last 2 years of his life. It was the coolest thing. I would have tea with him- sometimes once a week, sometimes twice a week.”
Paula Abdul (about Simon Cowell)

DART SAYS: And some people cultivate wheat, corn, or rice.


“I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.”
Elton John

DART SAYS: Is that what BENNY AND THE JETS was all about?


"I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy,"
Bristol Palin

DART SAYS: And could she teach us about hunting polar bears and snow-shoeing in next 25 minutes?


"Mind-altering substances are so dangerous. If I can teach others, especially teens, by sharing my experiences, then that's what I will continue to do."
Lindsay Lohan

DART SAYS: Why not open a school with Bristol?


“Sometimes I find my head spinning. Not because of alcohol, but because of my life.”
Lady Gaga

DART SAYS: we think it’s more likely those stupid hats you wear pressing down on your skull.


“I broke no regulation, offered no 'safety risk' (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?) I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight.”
Kevin Smith

DART SAYS: Isn’t that the underwear bomber’s defence?


“I don't think I've ever liked having sex with someone more than two years!”
Jenny McCarthy

DART SAYS: WOW! Congrats! For some people more than 20 minutes with eyes closed is a major accomplishment.”


“Some people eat, some people drink -- but I Pledge everything.”
Johnny Weir (figure skater)

DART SAYS: Something tells us he’s not talking about polishing furniture, buy maybe he is.


“I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas.”
Robert Pattinson

DART SAYS: Smart guy, you’ll save lots of cash on condoms and mouthwash.


“No one believes me when I talk about this, but I'm really, really maternal.”
Megan Fox

DART SAYS: Make us believers – show us the breast-feeding pics.


“I didn't get them as big as I originally wanted.”
Heidi Montag

DART SAYS: BRAINS – right?


“Look, if I have to wear a trash bag I'll belt it with rhinestones and I'll make it work.”
Sandra Bullock

DART SAYS: It works for Amy Winehouse, right?

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THE DARTBOARD: where all your questions get all the right answers

HEY Dart,

Hope you can read this, my typing really sucks. To get right to the point, my problem is that when I make love to my boyfriend, I am very loud. So loud it makes my lovers deaf. This has happened more than once. My whole apartment building complains of my noises.

The worst part was that last night I was so loud that it made my lover totally deaf. I now find it very hard to talk to him because he can't hear. In fact, I can't even ask him, 'How was I?'. What shall I do?

MONA LOTT

----------------

Mona, Mona, Mona,

Have you tried playing charades?

+ + +


Hello dart,

just wondering if you're alone? You are? That's great! And what are you wearing? Mmmmm that's sexy, very sexy! Can you take it off for me? WOW! You have such a beautiful body. Can you bring it a little closer to me? I bet you it's very warm and wet.

PHIL HERSNATCH

----------

Look P.H., if i told you once, I told you twice, Don't EVER bother me when I'm in the toilet!

+ + + +


Dart,
please I need you're help badly. I am a male, over fifty years old and I'm very embarrassed to admit it, but I NEVER, ever, not even once, have been on a blind date. Can you help?

STEVIE WONDER

---------------


Look Stevie, it's no wonder you haven't been on a blind date. Who would even think, let themselves even think, about going, on any kind of date, with someone with the name of STEVIE.


* * * *

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THE DARTBOARD: Dart answers all your questions

Dear D.B.,
Just curious – but did you know if you read you name (D.B.), it sounds a like the girl's name Debbie. Isn’t that creepy?

I.M. Nutz

+ + +

Dear I.M.,
what is more creepy than that is your initials (I.M.) don’t tell me, or anybody else that cares, that if you’re male or female. D.B., (I'm trying to sound and act like a Debbie would) a good idea is maybe you should get that fixed before you ever write here ever again.

--------------

Dear Dart,
Hope you can help!!! My problem is food. My problem is eating. My problem is not eating any food. I love to cook but anything that comes off the stove never goes in my mouth. I go into Burger King and even the Whopper never even comes close to my lips. Same with McDonalds. I tried going vegetarian because I thought it would be less not to eat but that didn’t work. I just don’t what to do. My doctor tried to help me by giving me a prescription for donuts. I lied and told him I was a muffin person. He told me to “get stuffed”.

I know that you can give me the honesr advice that I need right now. I believe in your words. You and the tooth fairy are the only things that’s the real thing.

Please answer soon – my job as a lap dancer is on the line.

Luv ya,

Robin Graves

+ + +

Robin,

Okay, listen careful. So you don’t forget, maybe you should write this down. I’ll wait till you get a pen. La la la.

Ready? Good.

Now first thing to do is when you wake up in the morning, get out of bed, go to the kitchen, and eat a BIG bowl of bran flakes. If you don’t have any, get some raisin bran and pick out all the raisins, then eat what’s left in the box. Repeat at lunch. Then again at supper and again before bed.

If you wake-up in the night, run to the kitchen and have another BIG bowl. I guarantee by the following morning all your problems will be behind you.

If you’re wondering, I won’t be doing the same because honestly, I don’t give a crap!!

+ + +

Hey Dartboard,

I saw Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie on my TV last night.

Cy Koe

------

Did you try to push them off?

* * *

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BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

Hey DART,

Help! I’m a 30 year old virgin and I met this girl named Marie about 2 ½ years ago who is now one of my best friends.
I’ve always been sexually attracted to her and would like things to go further between us.
We kissed once about a year ago, which led to a long talk where she said she didn’t want to ruin our outstanding friendship with this.
I’m not sure if this was bullshit (oops, sorry about the language) or not, but either way, I’m still only in the “just friend” zone with her.

I’ve never really had a close girl FRIEND that way before, and definitely not one that I have done “the nasty” with.
How can I go about seeing if this "nasty" thing could happen without compromising our long friendship?

HELP! TELL ME are there clues I can look for to see if she has the same kind of romantic interest in me?


Jenn Till
Heartbreak Motel,
Memphis, Tennessee
(no number)
---------

Okay Till, here's deal

Here are THE DARTBOARD top clues 10 to know if she’s interested.

10 – She keeps rubbing her crotch when she hears your name mentioned.

9 – She drools when you both pass a mattress store.

8 – She gets tattoos on her body that match your handprints..

7 – She buys camera because she wants to see what you look like naked.

6 – She squeezes your boobs instead of using the car horn.

5 – She tells you she’s leaving her husband and kids as well as breaking up with her boyfriend the butcher to be with you.

4 – She asks you if she could come over and bathe in your sink.

3 – Instead of asking you “do you want pizza with me?”, she ask “do you want a piece of me?”

2 – She shows you the porn film she stars in.

and the #1 way to know she’s interested in you is when….

1 – she nicknames you my pussy, my whore, or my bitch,

* * *

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BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

If you help one celebrity, you have to help them all.
HERE GOES:

Dart,

Please help! My son’s behavior really worries me. The problem is that he can’t stop smiling every time I feed him. He wakes up in the morning smiling knowing when he sees me, I will feed him. He goes off to school sad and asks me if it's okay to come home at luch time for a bite. He comes home smiling at me and has even bigger smiles while he being fed.
Even when I put him to bed, he has is sad until I give his some warm milk. Then its all big smiles again.
Can you think of anything I can do to stop his smiling?

Pam Anderson
BAYWATCH, Malibu Beach
California


- - -

Dear Ms Double D Juggs,

It’s very easy - STOP breastfeeding him!

* * *

Hello person named DART,

This is embarrassing so I would appreciate if you didn’t publish my name and address. Please, discretion is the key. I don’t want to anyone to know my name.

Okay, the problem is this. Lately I’ve been visiting a friend of mine at his farm on weekends. While there, in the past few weeks, one of his animals, specifically a goat, has caught my interest. As a result, any chance I get I sneak into the barn and stroke his cute little head and feed him scraps of food that I sneaked out of the farmhouse.

Call me stupid, but I think he is getting very attached to me as I am to him. Can you tell me what I should do with this romance so I can do what it takes to move this to the next level? This is killing me.

Stu Pittasole
69 Cochrane Way
Niagara Falls-Down, NY
14209 USA

Phone 516 965 – 9879
Cell: 516 978-9569
Wk: 516-967-1111

- - -

Hey Stupid, do you have a middle name?

Anyway, like I tell all animal lovers, the first step is to talk to the animal’s parents and tell them that your intentions are all good. Assure them that it’s not just sex that you want from their kid (even though it might have already happened). After that you will feel free to get a nice room -- and be alone with the horny beast.

* * *

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OUT OF (birth) CONTROL

Going through our massive files, filing cabinets (6 drawers high) and endless archives and overflowing garbage bins, THE DARTBOARD found this lost chat between the DART and the now famous, then advice-seeking, OCTOMOM, before she gained that meaningful and descriptive title that made her, and TMZ, and Doctor Phil, famous.

She had some questions that hopefully THE DART could answer.

OCTOMOM: I'm two months pregnant with my first baby now. When will my baby move?
DART: With any luck, right after his/her/its 16th birthday or after he/she/it finishes college.

OCTOMOM: With your expertise, what is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
DART: Childbirth.

OCTOMOM: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
DART: Yes, another pregnancy.

OCTOMOM: Being two months pregnant, I'm at times very moody and sometimes borderline irrational.
DART: So what's your question? YOU STUPID DUMB BITCH!

OCTOMOM: Do I have to have a baby shower?
DART: Not if you change their diapers often.

OCTOMOM: Do you think it’s alright to have a baby after 25?
DART: No, 25 children is enough.

DART: Where are you going? Did your water break? Hey you, WAIT A MINUTE, SIT DOWN -- you owe me money for this consultation!!!

DART: OCTO-BITCH!

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DART: TAKING THE BOREDOM OUT OF THE OLYMPICS

We know one of the best cures for insomnia is sitting in front of the tube and watching the Olympics. With these games just around the corner, and behind some mountains, THE DARTBOARD proposes some new (more exciting) ways to go for the GOLD:


CROSS COUNTRY CHEATING
Award is given to the competitor who has the most out-of-marriage liaisons. Previous winner: Tiger Woods.


DATE LIFTING
Competitors lift their dates over their head. Biggest date held high wins.


BITCH VOLLEYBALL
Timed for the right time on the month, bring on the meanies!


HAIR CURLING
Armed with only a hair curler, competitors turn straight hair into a stylish bush.


BREAST STROKE (foreplay)
Need we say more about coming in first?


MARRYATHON
Competitors chase spouses-to-be 26 miles to the nearest church.


MOULIN LUGE
Man & woman in sexy positions riding on a sled, to a background of sexy French music, while speeding down a hill.

.
NUDE FIGURE SKATING
Singles, couples, who cares? Easily will be the most popular new sport. Battle of the laids?


WOMEN’S HOCKEY (SHIRTS VS SKINS)
Isn’t it obvious? Could bring a new meaning to “body check”, "slap shot" and "face off"!


SPEED DATING
In a time limit, the most dates gathered wins gold. Extra points for phone numbers accumulated. Points deducted for slaps in the face.

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Six Ways To Be Polite And The Rewards

THE WAYS:

 Always begin your letters with DEAR.

 Pat others the back when they do a job well done (or if they are choking on food).

 Offer rides if you have a car to those who have to walk.

 Never read out loud on public transit.

 Do not burp, hiccup loudly, sneeze, crack your knuckles, belch, or fart in public.

 Address people as mister, misses, ms, or madame (especially if the woman is a filthy whore and runs a call-girl ring).


THE REWARDS:

o Increases the chances of sexual intercourse.

o Increased chance of oral sex.

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oh.... the darts

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BULLSEYE -> asking dart the questions that really matter

Dear Dart,

I am writing to tell all and defend Tiger Woods. I have known the superstar hole-in-oner for a number of years (lucky 7) and I have never seen or known him to do anything that I would see as vulgar, sleazy, X-rated, base, blue, boorish, cheap, coarse, common, contemptible, crude, dirty, disgusting, dishonorable, filthy, fractious, gross, hard-core, ignoble, impolite, improper, indecent, indecorous, indelicate, inferior, low, malicious, nasty, naughty, obscene, odious, off-color, profane, raw, repulsive, ribald, risqué, rough, scatological, slippery, smutty, sneaking, soft-core, sordid, suggestive, tasteless, tawdry, uncouth, unmannerly, unrefined, unworthy, or villainous.

As his caddy I have washed his balls and often touched his putter and he always thanked me for that. As well as tipping, sometimes more than A BUCK. Being the true gentleman he is, it was his way of saying “job well done”.

If Tiger has any ghosts in his many visited Motel 6 closets, they are most likely sheets left over from a previous KKK meeting,

Sorry Dart, I have no question.

Phil Ofchit


Dear, dear P.O.,

For that, I have no answer.

You worthless, abject, barren, base, bogus, cheap, contemptible, counterproductive, despicable, empty, futile, good-for-nothing, ignoble, inconsequential, ineffective, ineffectual, inferior, insignificant, inutile, meaningless, mediocre, miserable, no-account, no-good, nothing, paltry, pointless, poor, profitless, sterile, trashy, trifling, trivial, unavailing, unessential, unimportant, unproductive, unprofitable, unusable, useless, valueless, waste, and wretched piece of suck up.

* * *

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BABE ALERT! And a tip from dart : BE CAREFUL around turntables or you'll be singing -- "I'm stuck on band-aids and band-aids stuck on me"

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THE BULLSEYE (asking Dart the real questions that really matter)

Some short words of help for the desperate this time:

Dear Dart,
Can you give me some advice?
Howie Felthersnatch
***
Dear Howie,
NO!
-------------------------

Hey Dart,

Q: What has 4 wheels and flies?

A: A garbage truck.
(Hee hee heee)

Cheers,
Jay Leno / Hollywood, Ca.
(not far from Disneyland)
p.s. I have a tv show -- more funny jokes like this -- pleasew watch it, I'm in trouble!!

***
Dear Mister Leno,
GET A JOB!
--------------------------
Dear dear Dart Dart,
Can can you you help help me me? I I have have a a problem problem. Can can you you guess guess what what it it is is?
John John Menz Menz
***
Dear dear J.J., You’re obviously stuck in a photocopy machine. Leave me alone and tell somebody who cares – like the Staples help desk or Jay Leno.

--------------------------

DA DA DA DAT'S ALL FOLKS!
(till next time)

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THE BULLSEYE (asking Dart the real questions that really matter)

Dart:

Just a personal question that’s been bothering me all day today.
What king of name is DART? Is it foreign or something?
Or maybe, when you were born your parents, having a real good sense of humor, thought naming you DART would have people laughing at you all your life? Is there any chance I could meet you?
Cheers,
S. Hole

* * *
Dear Hole,
Love to meet you! And when we do I hope you stand real close. That way I can turn you around and kick your ass.

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TODAY'S DART: Don't mess with the Lohan!

From WENN.COM -- Lindsay Lohan has come under fire from bosses at an exclusive U.S. boutique - after she allegedly demanded $15,000 in free gifts despite failing to properly promote her in-store leggings range.

Reports surfaced earlier this month that the Mean Girls actress was fuming after a store assistant at Los Angeles' Kitson refused to allow her to go on a hefty spree without charge.

And bosses at the retail outfit aren't letting the tantrum go without punishment - they have slammed the star for her demanding ways, and insist she should be grateful they are still stocking her 6126 leggings range.

A spokesperson for Kitson tells Fox News, "We're actually really offended. The tables have turned and now we're the customer.

"We spent $50,000 on her leggings line, but she hasn't come to the store in three years, and she didn't even do a personal appearance.

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