PIC OF THE WEAK

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REASON to only show your FACE

ASSES TO ASHES

In CANADA, the National Coalition Against Contraband Tobacco tell us (as if we didn't know) illegal cigarettes are not just sold illegally, but are manufactured that way, too.



They continue telling us that many of these underground processing areas are set up in tool sheds and garages, where spider's eggs, animal and even human feces can mix with the finished product.

(Ewwww! We didn't know that -- we give up!)

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SEND HELP! SHE'S ga-ga ING!!

Confessing to U.K.'s Daily Mirror she's sworn off good lovin' for her whole tour.

"I'm single," said Gaga, 23. "I haven't got time to spend on the road to get to know anyone. Even Lady GaGa can be celibate, you don't have to have sex to be loved."

+ + +

BY THE WAY - She's the one on the left.

GENTLEMEN - Would you do her?

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THE DARTBOARD very exclusive INTERVIEW: Nadya "OCTOMOM" Suleman

DARTBOARD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Nadya. And I see you brought your 14 children with you.

OCTOMOM: Yes I did. You notice they all have name tags on them so I can tell them apart. All babies look alike as you probably know. When I first saw the last eight on the ultrasound – they all looked the same. They had to have one of those big screen jobs so I could see all of them looking alike.

Can I introduce them to you?

DARTBOARD: Sure

OCTOMOM: Okay, first this is Eenie, then Meennie, Miny, and Moe, then there’s Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Bashful, and Grumpy, and in the back is Curly, Larry, Moe and Ringo.

DARTBOARD: That’s 15. I thought you had 14.

OCTOMOM: I do. One of them is not mine. I’m babysitting one for a friend.

DARTBOARD: Which one?

OCTOMOM: To be honest – I don’t remember.

DARTBOARD: Nevermind.

OCTOMOM: I don’t.

DARTBOARD: Mind if I ask a question?

OCTOMOM: That is a question.

DARTBOARD: How do you manage to feed all these little ones?

OCTOMOM: Easy – I rent a cow.

DARTBOARD: Do you have any plans for yourself?

OCTOMOM: Well if don't get that job working at the circus – I might run for governor of Alaska.

DARTBOARD: Ms Suleman, thanks for coming in.





OCTOMOM: Don’t you want to see me breast feed?

DARTBOARD: No thanks. Good night.

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BBC NEWS REPORTS:

The trusted news source says:

MAN ASSAULTED OFFICER WITH PENIS


A man who assaulted a female police officer with his penis has been fined.

Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.

Lithuanian Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen Sheriff Court and was fined £600.

The court heard he had been drinking heavily and could not remember committing the offence at his home in Aberdeen.

Police were called to his home by his girlfriend, who had complained about him being drunk last November.

They arrived to find the self-employed engineer sitting on the sofa wearing a pair of underpants.




“ He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed ”
John Hardie Defence solicitor.

Fiscal depute Elaine Lynch said: "The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck."

Defence solicitor John Hardie said: "He was sitting on the couch drunk with his pants on.

"He can't remember anything but accepts that if that's what the police say then that's what happened.

"He has never been so drunk before that day and accepts he has to take full responsibility. He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed."

His not guilty plea to committing a breach of the peace by uttering offensive and sexual remarks was accepted by the Crown.

Sheriff Annella Cowan was told that the Lithuanian had now quit binge drinking because of the incident.

- - -

The Dartboard says:


"What a dick!"

"Will this hold up in court?"

"Lucky it wasn't a stick-up"

"Do the police have hard evidence?"

"The guy must have had balls."



p.s. check out the name of the Defence solicitor -- > John Hardie


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NEW WORDS

ANAGRAM --> a type of word play, the result of rearranging the letters of a word or phrase to produce a new word or phrase, using all the original letters exactly once.

Jerry Lewis
Jewelry, Sir

Tom Cruise
I'm So Cuter

Kim Kardashian
I Am a Kind Shark

John Mayer
Enjoy Harm

Sandra Bullock
Skull and Cobra


Arnold Schwarzenegger
He's Grown Large 'n' Crazed

Beyonce Knowles
Woken Obscenely

Justin Timberlake
I'm a Jerk, But Listen

James Cameron
Major Menaces

Bob Dylan
Bald, Bony

Robin Williams
I Warm Billions

Mel Gibson
Big Melons

Clint Eastwood
Old West Action

Jerry Seinfeld
Friendly Jeers

Tiger Woods
Got Weirdos

Kirstie Alley
Likes Reality

Britney Spears
Presbyterians

Conan O'Brien
Inane Bronco


Howard Stern
Wonder Trash

Woody Allen
A Lewd Loony

Jennifer Aniston
Fine in Torn Jeans

Sylvester Stallone
Slovenly Steel Star

Paul McCartney
Pay Mr. Clean-Cut

Heidi Montag
Imagined Hot

George Clooney
Cool Energy, Ego

David Letterman
Nerd Amid Late TV

Sarah Palin
A Plain Rash



Leonard Nimoy
I'm Only a Drone

Drew Barrymore
Merry Wardrobe

Madonna Louise Ciccone
One Cool Dance Musician


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CUM AND GET SOME!

THE WIDE WORLD OF SEX

WHERE TO GO – WHEN YOU WANT TO GET SOME

From England’s THE SUN, here’s a guide…..

Sweden
is home to the most bisexual babes in the world, a new study has revealed.
Nordic naughtiness is all the rage with the blonde beauties over there.
But they don't top the league when it comes to lasting the longest in bed - held by Brazil - or come near San Francisco as the kinkiest place to visit.
Here, Rhian Sanville takes a flick through the global sex atlas and picks out some of the hottest facts ever.

New Zealand
Totalling an average of 20.4 sexual partners in a lifetime, New Zealand has the most promiscuous women in the world, a survey reveals.

Austria
With an average of 29.3 sexual partners, Austria's men are the most promiscuous in the world, a survey reveals.
Germany

Germany
is the country with the world's worst lovers as revealed by OnePoll.com survey taken by women from 20 different countries - the reason they gave was that they were 'too smelly'.


Spain
is home to the world's best lovers as revealed by OnePoll.com survey taken by women from 20 different countries.

Thailand
At an average of 10 minutes, sex in Thailand is believed to last the shortest amount of time in the world.

Greece
A Durex survey revealed that Greece is the horniest country in the world.

Brazil
According to The Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behaviour, sex lasts the longest in , at an average of 30 minutes.

Australia
Australian breasts are blooming lovely, with over 40 per cent of Australian women now buying bras with a cup size of DD or higher - some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K to accommodate the busty Aussie girls.

Indonesia
Seven times a year on a holiday called 'Pon', Indonesians make a pilgrimage to a sacred mountain on Java to get down and dirty with a person other than their spouse - if they sleep with that same person seven times, they believe their wishes and blessings will come true.

India
When India's first phone-sex line went live, it became so popular that it was driving its users into debt - so the Indian government shut it down.

France
A Marie Claire survey found that 41 per cent of French people have participated in an orgy and 27 per cent have engaged in partner swapping. It is also believed that the French give and receive the most fellatio.

Japan
With a total of 500 people taking part, Japan has successfully set the world record for world's largest orgy. The Harajuku area of Tokyo is famous across the world for its fetish fashions - the most recent fetish-fashion craze to sweep the area is 'injured idol', where scantily clad women dress up in bandages.

Mykonos, Greece
Anything goes on this Greek island, which has been dubbed 'the world's adult playground'.

San Fernando Valley, California, USA
Nearly 90 per cent of all legally distributed pornographic films made in the United States are either filmed in or produced by studios based in the San Fernando Valley - aka "Porn Valley", "San Pornando Valley" or "Silicone Valley".

San Francisco, California, USA
This city is host to the World's largest showcase for S&M products and culture - the Folsom Street Fair.

Tel Aviv, Israel
This city is known as the 'brothel capital of the world', with an estimated 250 knocking shops.

Cap d'Agde, France
Unsurprisingly, France boasts the largest naturist resort in the world - the Cap d'Agde, whose 'Village Naturiste' is made up of a small town and a 2km beach.

Upminster, England
The residents of this suburban town are the kinkiest in England - they spend 7.9 times the national average on sex toys and DVDs to boost their sex lives.

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DARTBOARD says "Could all this be the cause of global warming?"

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everybody's on dat FACEBOOK

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THE DARTBOARD: If you have the right questions, the DARTBOARD has the right answers

DARTBOARD, I mean Dart. How are you?

Have you ever had strong feelings about animals?

What I mean is, and don’t take it the wrong way, lately there is something about my pet that makes me feel warm inside.

Do you know what I mean? Do you know the feeling?

When I stroke its belly, I see its lips move.

I think it (the pet) might be telling me something like “MORE! MORE! MORE!”

The eyes too – always watching me – blink at me as if my pet is telling me it shares the same feelings and urges that I am experiencing.

Do you think it will be soon that people like me will be allowed to marry their same-sex pet?

My fish (Goldie) and I will wait patiently for your answer.

Mike Rotch

-----------------


Well M.R.,

I’d like to answer your question but I have no aspirations of running for any political position or a doing a right wing highly-opinionated talk show.

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Dear Dart,

I’m writing this on a postcard so I can impress people that I travel a lot.

That’s all.

Mia Azsmellz

--------------

Thank you Mia. Next time could you NOT write me in crayon. They might be toxic. Try writing in pencil (unless your doctor says that you should stay away from anything sharp).

***

Dear D.B.,

If the phone rings in the middle of the night should I answer it? And speaking of phones, how come in the phonebook, they put the last name first and the first name last? And why did they pick yellow to be the colour of the yellow pages?

Jerry Seinfeld

***

Dear Jerry,

Haven't you got better things to do than to ask me such stupid questions and come up with a the worst lame-ass prime time TV game show since the invention of gravity?

How’s Kramer?

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when things appear to add-up

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from a NAME you can trust

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Hurry up and contact OCTOMOM!! Breaking News: The PERFECT BABYSITTER has arrived!

As you might have guessed, reading blogs is an addiction THE DARTBOARD has a serious problem shaking. Before going to blog rehab, we found this in the GOTHAMIST:



MOM SAYS PLASTIC SURGEON GAVE HER FOUR BREASTS


A Staten Island mother has filed a $5 million lawsuit against a plastic surgeon who she claims botched her breast implant surgery, leaving her with a disfigured chest that ruined her marriage.

According to her attorney, surgery that was supposed to give 47-year-old Maria Alaimo 36 C cups resulted in painful "double-bubble" deformities, meaning she "came out of that operation with essentially four breasts."

According to the Staten Island Advance, Alaimo is suing Dr. Keith Berman, his staff, as well as medical websites that referred her to him. The paper notes that Alaimo paid $2,999 and $500 referral fee for the procedure in 2003, but her breasts now "appear flattened on the bottom with severe swells the size of a softball on top."

In court documents, Alaimo claims those disfigurements caused "pain ... disability, loss of self-esteem, humiliation and embarrassment." She also alleges the surgery lead to her divorce, because she wouldn't allow her husband to see her nude after the procedure.

According to her attorney, the surgeon didn't make "crucial" markings on the patient's chest before the surgery, though the doctor indicated he did on medical documents.

After the surgery, Alaimo underwent two corrective procedures—the first with the original doctor—and she purportedly suffered more scarring and "implants that slid downward, making her breasts appear even further deformed."

The doctor's attorney, Jerry Giardina, said Alaimo should have been more aware of the risks of plastic surgery before she went under the knife. "Plastic surgery is trivialized, but the reality is that plastic surgery is just that—surgery. There are no guarantees. What one person responds to, another does not."

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WARNING Signs you need a new doctor

• He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."

• Instead of rubber surgical gloves, he wears oven mitts.

• He is known to the other doctors as "the defendant."

• After examining you, he says, "Now your turn to do me."

• He sends you to the airport for x-rays.

• He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."

• He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."

• Instead of rubber surgical gloves, he wears oven mitts.

• He is known to the other doctors as "the defendant."

• After examining you, he says, "Now your turn to do me."

• He sends you to the airport for x-rays.

• He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."


• He tries to colour your X-rays with crayons.


• His examination room is Room 69 at the No-Tell Motel.



• He tells you his anesthesiologist name is "Jim Beam."

• Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to work this time."

• When he says “my practice” he means “to practice”.

• He faints at the sight if blood.

• He asks you for your phone number after a physical exam

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