THE DARTBOARD (special edition): If you have the right questions -- we have the right answers

*** A SPECIAL GAY QUESTIONS EDITION



Hey Dart,

Where have you been?

I MISS YOU.

How are you? Not that I know you, or that I’ve ever met you, so why should I , or should you, care about all that.

My question today, today being Wednesday, (don’t know what time or day it is where you are?) is simple. I hope you're answer is simple cause I am told I am a simple girl.

My boyfriend (yes, I’m dating) likes flat-chested girls who don’t wear dresses.

Is he gay?

Billie-Jean Iznotmychild
Jacksonville

- - -

Well B-J.,

I assume if he’s dating you, if he wasn’t gay before he met you, he is now.

+ + +

D-d-d-dart!

I wish I could tell you how hard it is writing to you, but if I did I would probably be arrested again and put away in a place where once again forced to shower with sweaty men bigger than me.

But I digress.

My current squeeze, Lance, confided in me recently that his previous lover gave him crabs. As you can imagine, this upset me greatly.

So, should I try to outdo and better his ex by treating Lance to lobster at RED LOBSTER or some other seafood joint? If it matters RED LOBSTER is currently celebrating LOBSTERFEST.


O. Henry
Not Hershey, PA

- - -

O.H.,

Is Lance’s last name A-lot? Just checking. Are there nuts in Hershey? Just checking?

+ + +

Hello D.B.,

Knowing you know everything, and I know nothing, I have a simple question.

If you don’t know already, I’m, aw shucks, let me say it like it is, I’m homophobic.

Do you know if there are any states, or countries, I could move to and settle there, with my family and our dogs, where being gay is illegal and instead of having GAY PRIDE they celebrate GAY HIDE.

Sarah Palin
The State of Confusion, (Alaska)

- - -

Hey, ex-Gov.,

Or do you prefer losing V.P. candidate?

Why didn’t you not think of this earlier? I’m sure this exit would make many people very, very happy.

But before you start to pack and googling TRAVELOCITY, maybe think of staying put. If your slutty tramp daughter turns lesbian, the worry of another cheap wreckless unwanted pregnancy would disappear.

Aren’t there enough crying Palins already?


* * * * *

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the DARTBOARD interview: Miley Cyrus

DbD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Miley Cyrus.
Is it okay to call you Miley?

Miley Cyrus: No I prefer you call me Hannah or Miss Montana, or Hannah Montana. Big shout to my cousins, Hanah Alabama, Hanah California, Hannah Alaska and my Canadian cousin Hannah Alberta.

Miley Cyrus: Hey girls!

DbD: By the way did you ride your bike to come over here today?

Miley Cyrus: No, I took my surfboard. My daddy won’t let me on my bike after I fell off and broke some of my front teeth. Do you know how much front teeth cost?

DbD: Probable expensive.

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, and you multiple that times 50 front teeth and I need a good hit record pronto.

DbD: You’re going to be 18 this year, that’s legal age. Any plans for your birthday?

Miley Cyrus: Get drunk with my dad, OOPS, I mean go to Chuck E. Cheese. Maybe do a home video with my boyfriend, like Paris Hilton did, OOPS, will my dad be reading this?

DbD: Hope so.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, what I meant was do a video like Minnie Mouse.

DbD: Speaking of your dad, you two are very similar, both being successful country singers and…

Miley Cyrus: Sorry, I don’t think so. There is a BIG difference -- like I ride, or used to, ride a girl’s bike and he rides a boy’s bike. He grows hair and my face, I don’t. He’s married to my mommy, I’m not. He pees standing up, I don’t. That’s not the same is it? Not even close.

DbD: Are you dating right now?

Miley Cyrus: I never do that.

DbD: Never date?

Miley Cyrus: Oh date, I thought you said mate. If I was mating, my daddy would hog-tie me and throw me to the dogs.

DbD: Does it bother you having all these front teeth?

Miley Cyrus: Comes in really handy when my mommy makes some corn on the cob.

DbD: We read that you write many of your own songs.

Miley Cyrus: Sorry, that’s not true. I print them.

DbD: Your movie was in 3D who’s idea was that?

Miley Cyrus: That was mine, I wanted to make my boobs look bigger.

DbD: Miley…

Miley Cyrus: That’s Hannah, Montana, MONTANA!

DbD: Wherever. Good-bye.


* * *

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BBC NEWS REPORTS:

The trusted news source says:

MAN ASSAULTED OFFICER WITH PENIS


A man who assaulted a female police officer with his penis has been fined.

Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.

Lithuanian Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen Sheriff Court and was fined £600.

The court heard he had been drinking heavily and could not remember committing the offence at his home in Aberdeen.

Police were called to his home by his girlfriend, who had complained about him being drunk last November.

They arrived to find the self-employed engineer sitting on the sofa wearing a pair of underpants.




“ He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed ”
John Hardie Defence solicitor.

Fiscal depute Elaine Lynch said: "The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck."

Defence solicitor John Hardie said: "He was sitting on the couch drunk with his pants on.

"He can't remember anything but accepts that if that's what the police say then that's what happened.

"He has never been so drunk before that day and accepts he has to take full responsibility. He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed."

His not guilty plea to committing a breach of the peace by uttering offensive and sexual remarks was accepted by the Crown.

Sheriff Annella Cowan was told that the Lithuanian had now quit binge drinking because of the incident.

- - -

The Dartboard says:


"What a dick!"

"Will this hold up in court?"

"Lucky it wasn't a stick-up"

"Do the police have hard evidence?"

"The guy must have had balls."



p.s. check out the name of the Defence solicitor -- > John Hardie


* * *

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THE DARTBOARD: If you have the right questions, the DARTBOARD has the right answers

DARTBOARD, I mean Dart. How are you?

Have you ever had strong feelings about animals?

What I mean is, and don’t take it the wrong way, lately there is something about my pet that makes me feel warm inside.

Do you know what I mean? Do you know the feeling?

When I stroke its belly, I see its lips move.

I think it (the pet) might be telling me something like “MORE! MORE! MORE!”

The eyes too – always watching me – blink at me as if my pet is telling me it shares the same feelings and urges that I am experiencing.

Do you think it will be soon that people like me will be allowed to marry their same-sex pet?

My fish (Goldie) and I will wait patiently for your answer.

Mike Rotch

-----------------


Well M.R.,

I’d like to answer your question but I have no aspirations of running for any political position or a doing a right wing highly-opinionated talk show.

* * *

Dear Dart,

I’m writing this on a postcard so I can impress people that I travel a lot.

That’s all.

Mia Azsmellz

--------------

Thank you Mia. Next time could you NOT write me in crayon. They might be toxic. Try writing in pencil (unless your doctor says that you should stay away from anything sharp).

***

Dear D.B.,

If the phone rings in the middle of the night should I answer it? And speaking of phones, how come in the phonebook, they put the last name first and the first name last? And why did they pick yellow to be the colour of the yellow pages?

Jerry Seinfeld

***

Dear Jerry,

Haven't you got better things to do than to ask me such stupid questions and come up with a the worst lame-ass prime time TV game show since the invention of gravity?

How’s Kramer?

* * * *

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THE DARTBOARD: where all your questions get all the right answers

HEY Dart,

Hope you can read this, my typing really sucks. To get right to the point, my problem is that when I make love to my boyfriend, I am very loud. So loud it makes my lovers deaf. This has happened more than once. My whole apartment building complains of my noises.

The worst part was that last night I was so loud that it made my lover totally deaf. I now find it very hard to talk to him because he can't hear. In fact, I can't even ask him, 'How was I?'. What shall I do?

MONA LOTT

----------------

Mona, Mona, Mona,

Have you tried playing charades?

+ + +


Hello dart,

just wondering if you're alone? You are? That's great! And what are you wearing? Mmmmm that's sexy, very sexy! Can you take it off for me? WOW! You have such a beautiful body. Can you bring it a little closer to me? I bet you it's very warm and wet.

PHIL HERSNATCH

----------

Look P.H., if i told you once, I told you twice, Don't EVER bother me when I'm in the toilet!

+ + + +


Dart,
please I need you're help badly. I am a male, over fifty years old and I'm very embarrassed to admit it, but I NEVER, ever, not even once, have been on a blind date. Can you help?

STEVIE WONDER

---------------


Look Stevie, it's no wonder you haven't been on a blind date. Who would even think, let themselves even think, about going, on any kind of date, with someone with the name of STEVIE.


* * * *

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THE DARTBOARD INTERVEW: Today's target - Ellen DeGeneres

D.B. -- Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Ellen.

ELLEN -- Thank you, is it my turn?

D.B. -- Not a pub game, THE DARTBOARD is an internet site.




ELLEN -- Is it gay porn? I love gay porn.

D.B. -- Sorry. Not really. Do you mind answering for us and our many readers a few questions today?

ELLEN -- Shoot! And shoot me with all your queries – ha, ha, ha, that’s a joke. Get it? QUEER – EES!

D.B. -- Seriously, why did you decide to come out of the closet when you did a few years ago.

ELLEN -- It was dark and I kept bumping into hangers and scratching my head. Not attractive. The worst part was it smelled like moths, specifically moth balls. You know what male moths have between their little moth legs.? Get that one! Ha ha ha! I'm just so full of jokes.

D.B. -- Yes, full of it - can I ask you a fashion question?

ELLEN -- Is it a query? Ha ha, I'm on a roll. I can’t stop. Hit me!

D.B. -- Okay.

ELLEN -- Ouch, my arm. That hurt. What’s the question?

D.B. -- Do you ever wear any dresses and high heels?

ELLEN -- Just to bed, when it’s my turn.

D.B. -- Have you ever had long hair?

ELLEN -- Just on my legs.

D.B. -- Let’s change the subject…

ELLEN -- I’m not changing into a dress if that’s what you’re hinting.

D.B. -- Not. Okay, now that you’re the new judge on AMERICAN IDOL, are you looking forward to sitting next to Simon?

ELLEN -- Looking forward to it… hell ya, she’s one of my favorite woman singers. My all-time favorite song has always been “You’re So Vain”.

D.B. -- No, no, no, Simon Cowell. You’re thinking of Carly Simon.

ELLEN -- Ahhhhhhhh, yessssss I am, Not a secret anymore, I’m always thinking of her -- all the time -- mmmmmmm mmmmm.

D.B. -- Well, that's so interesting, but I'm afraid we're out of the space. Thank you for sharing your life and joining us here. It’s been a real treat and pleasure to talk to you, the second most funniest lesbian comedienne in all the world.

ELLEN -- Second? What? Who’s first?

D.B. -- Rosie O’Donnell, that’s obvious.

ELLEN -- NO! It’s not obvious. It’s obvious that I am.

D.B. -- No it’s Rosie.

ELLEN -- ME!

D.B. -- No ROSIE!

ELLEN -- NO IT”S ME ME ME ME ME!

D.B. -- ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE!

ELLEN -- GOOD-BYE!

* * *

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THE DARTBOARD: Dart answers all your questions

Dear D.B.,
Just curious – but did you know if you read you name (D.B.), it sounds a like the girl's name Debbie. Isn’t that creepy?

I.M. Nutz

+ + +

Dear I.M.,
what is more creepy than that is your initials (I.M.) don’t tell me, or anybody else that cares, that if you’re male or female. D.B., (I'm trying to sound and act like a Debbie would) a good idea is maybe you should get that fixed before you ever write here ever again.

--------------

Dear Dart,
Hope you can help!!! My problem is food. My problem is eating. My problem is not eating any food. I love to cook but anything that comes off the stove never goes in my mouth. I go into Burger King and even the Whopper never even comes close to my lips. Same with McDonalds. I tried going vegetarian because I thought it would be less not to eat but that didn’t work. I just don’t what to do. My doctor tried to help me by giving me a prescription for donuts. I lied and told him I was a muffin person. He told me to “get stuffed”.

I know that you can give me the honesr advice that I need right now. I believe in your words. You and the tooth fairy are the only things that’s the real thing.

Please answer soon – my job as a lap dancer is on the line.

Luv ya,

Robin Graves

+ + +

Robin,

Okay, listen careful. So you don’t forget, maybe you should write this down. I’ll wait till you get a pen. La la la.

Ready? Good.

Now first thing to do is when you wake up in the morning, get out of bed, go to the kitchen, and eat a BIG bowl of bran flakes. If you don’t have any, get some raisin bran and pick out all the raisins, then eat what’s left in the box. Repeat at lunch. Then again at supper and again before bed.

If you wake-up in the night, run to the kitchen and have another BIG bowl. I guarantee by the following morning all your problems will be behind you.

If you’re wondering, I won’t be doing the same because honestly, I don’t give a crap!!

+ + +

Hey Dartboard,

I saw Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie on my TV last night.

Cy Koe

------

Did you try to push them off?

* * *

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I READ THE NEWS TODAY (oh boy!)

A new STUDY shows that every hour per day spent in front a computer raises your risk of early death from heart disease by 18%. Meaning, someone who spends an average of two hours a day is 36% more susceptible than someone who spends none, even if they're not obese and exercise.

RAISING the RISK of dying from cancer by 8%, and all causes 11%. The Australian study actually looked at more than 8,000 people who spent more than four hours of a day.

BUT the problem isn't the watching YouTube or tweeting, it's sitting down for long periods of time.

+ + +

{WHEW, that was close!}

* * *

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BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

Dear Dart,

Sorry to bother you. I am currently planning a TRIP to California where I plan on buying some real cool brightly colored clothes and a real cool headband so I can chill-out and listen to my Woodstock albums. Can you get into it and dig it?

Can you be real cool and tell me where I can get such items?

Ellis Dee
San Francisco

+++

Dear E.D.,

Too words: TIMOTHY LEARY IS DEAD and CHARLES MANSON IS IN JAIL.

---------------

Hello dart,
My problem is that my boyfriend likes to do girly things.

He loves wearing bras and panties and putting ribbons in his hair. Watching Twilight movies are his latest passion. He even likes to bake me cookies. To make this situation really bad, every month, like clockwork, he gets real mean and cranky for a few days.

Could you please help me fix him because I’m getting really poor for having to pay for him at restaurants and having to ask his parents for their permission to take him out on dates.

Eva Destuction
Hellhole

+++

Dear E.D.,

Have you ever thought of becoming a lesbian?

--------------------------

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THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Tom Cruise

DARTBOARD: Welcome TOM to THE DARTBOARD. We all know that you’re only 5’ 7” -- so we’ll keep it short. Can we get you anything?

TOM CRUISE: Do you have any TAPS around? I could use some water.

D.B.: Here you go… Mister Cruise, you’ve had a very successful career in movies. Why do you think that is?

T.C.: It’s no doubt THE COLOR OF MONEY, this is a RISKY BUSINESS and I managed to make ALL THE RIGHT MOVES when people said for me it was a MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.

D.B.: And you’ve been with some pretty HOT and beautiful women – Nicole Kidman for instance.

T.C.: Do you really want to know about her? Ask her about me and she’ll tell you a COCKTAIL – she’ll tell you about my TOP GUN – know what I mean? A FEW GOOD MEN sure would.

D.B.: Changing the subject, you are now a father. Were you there with Katie for their births?

T.C.: I sure was there – watching with my EYES WIDE SHUT.

D.B.: Any regrets about that?

T.C.: Just one. I just wish one of them was BORN ON THE FORTH OF JULY

D.B.: Tom Cruise, I’m sorry but I think the only reason you’ve come to THE DARTBOARD is to promote your movies. If that’s true, you better leave.

T.C.: Gotta run anyway – it looks like RAIN MAN – probably DAYS OF THUNDER ahead.

D.B.: Good luck with the Scientology!

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BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

DART my dear,

Sorry to bother you my dear, but you’re the only real person I can turn to in my hour of desperate need. I am married, 24, healthy with big breasts (34DDD), no kids and a cute bum. My problem is that my husband has a very foul mouth. For example, if I ask him to do something the answer he always gives me is “F*** off, do it yourself”. If it I try talking when the TV is on it’s “Shut the F*** UP!”, when I ask him what he wants for dinner, the answer is always “Isn't F*CKIN’ ready yet?”. The problem is I don’t know for how much longer I can take this verbal abuse.

If he doesn’t stop this SHIT soon, I might kill that ASSHOLE.

Your advice in this matter would be a big help.

Pina Slicker

-----

MESSAGE to P.S. you know I love you. Does anything else matter?

* * *

Dart, dart, Dart,

What do you think of oral sex on the first date?

Maxwell House

-------

Dear Mister House,
Are you propositioning me?

* * *
Dear Dart,

Lately I’ve been waking up with the smell of bananas between my legs. I know you’re not a gynecologist, not a produce vendor, or even a rare breed of monkey. Do you have any idea what would be the cause of this particular aroma?

Jean Poule
--------

J.P.,
have you ever tried watching the Miss America pageant without laughing hysterically? Try it!

* * *

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BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

Hey DART,

Help! I’m a 30 year old virgin and I met this girl named Marie about 2 ½ years ago who is now one of my best friends.
I’ve always been sexually attracted to her and would like things to go further between us.
We kissed once about a year ago, which led to a long talk where she said she didn’t want to ruin our outstanding friendship with this.
I’m not sure if this was bullshit (oops, sorry about the language) or not, but either way, I’m still only in the “just friend” zone with her.

I’ve never really had a close girl FRIEND that way before, and definitely not one that I have done “the nasty” with.
How can I go about seeing if this "nasty" thing could happen without compromising our long friendship?

HELP! TELL ME are there clues I can look for to see if she has the same kind of romantic interest in me?


Jenn Till
Heartbreak Motel,
Memphis, Tennessee
(no number)
---------

Okay Till, here's deal

Here are THE DARTBOARD top clues 10 to know if she’s interested.

10 – She keeps rubbing her crotch when she hears your name mentioned.

9 – She drools when you both pass a mattress store.

8 – She gets tattoos on her body that match your handprints..

7 – She buys camera because she wants to see what you look like naked.

6 – She squeezes your boobs instead of using the car horn.

5 – She tells you she’s leaving her husband and kids as well as breaking up with her boyfriend the butcher to be with you.

4 – She asks you if she could come over and bathe in your sink.

3 – Instead of asking you “do you want pizza with me?”, she ask “do you want a piece of me?”

2 – She shows you the porn film she stars in.

and the #1 way to know she’s interested in you is when….

1 – she nicknames you my pussy, my whore, or my bitch,

* * *

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BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

If you help one celebrity, you have to help them all.
HERE GOES:

Dart,

Please help! My son’s behavior really worries me. The problem is that he can’t stop smiling every time I feed him. He wakes up in the morning smiling knowing when he sees me, I will feed him. He goes off to school sad and asks me if it's okay to come home at luch time for a bite. He comes home smiling at me and has even bigger smiles while he being fed.
Even when I put him to bed, he has is sad until I give his some warm milk. Then its all big smiles again.
Can you think of anything I can do to stop his smiling?

Pam Anderson
BAYWATCH, Malibu Beach
California


- - -

Dear Ms Double D Juggs,

It’s very easy - STOP breastfeeding him!

* * *

Hello person named DART,

This is embarrassing so I would appreciate if you didn’t publish my name and address. Please, discretion is the key. I don’t want to anyone to know my name.

Okay, the problem is this. Lately I’ve been visiting a friend of mine at his farm on weekends. While there, in the past few weeks, one of his animals, specifically a goat, has caught my interest. As a result, any chance I get I sneak into the barn and stroke his cute little head and feed him scraps of food that I sneaked out of the farmhouse.

Call me stupid, but I think he is getting very attached to me as I am to him. Can you tell me what I should do with this romance so I can do what it takes to move this to the next level? This is killing me.

Stu Pittasole
69 Cochrane Way
Niagara Falls-Down, NY
14209 USA

Phone 516 965 – 9879
Cell: 516 978-9569
Wk: 516-967-1111

- - -

Hey Stupid, do you have a middle name?

Anyway, like I tell all animal lovers, the first step is to talk to the animal’s parents and tell them that your intentions are all good. Assure them that it’s not just sex that you want from their kid (even though it might have already happened). After that you will feel free to get a nice room -- and be alone with the horny beast.

* * *

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OUT OF (birth) CONTROL

Going through our massive files, filing cabinets (6 drawers high) and endless archives and overflowing garbage bins, THE DARTBOARD found this lost chat between the DART and the now famous, then advice-seeking, OCTOMOM, before she gained that meaningful and descriptive title that made her, and TMZ, and Doctor Phil, famous.

She had some questions that hopefully THE DART could answer.

OCTOMOM: I'm two months pregnant with my first baby now. When will my baby move?
DART: With any luck, right after his/her/its 16th birthday or after he/she/it finishes college.

OCTOMOM: With your expertise, what is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
DART: Childbirth.

OCTOMOM: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
DART: Yes, another pregnancy.

OCTOMOM: Being two months pregnant, I'm at times very moody and sometimes borderline irrational.
DART: So what's your question? YOU STUPID DUMB BITCH!

OCTOMOM: Do I have to have a baby shower?
DART: Not if you change their diapers often.

OCTOMOM: Do you think it’s alright to have a baby after 25?
DART: No, 25 children is enough.

DART: Where are you going? Did your water break? Hey you, WAIT A MINUTE, SIT DOWN -- you owe me money for this consultation!!!

DART: OCTO-BITCH!

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where's the EGGO go?

DELIVERING YOU THE NEWS (even if you're not home)

ATLANTA (AP) Kellogg Co. says there will be a nationwide shortage of its popular Eggo frozen waffles until next summer because of interruptions in production at two of the four plants that make them.

The company's Atlanta plant was shut down for an undisclosed period by a September storm that dumped historic amounts of rain in the area. Meanwhile, several production lines at its largest bakery in Rossville, Tenn., are closed indefinitely for repairs, company spokeswoman Kris Charles said in an e-mail.

It will take until the middle of 2010 before shelves around the country are stocked at pre-shutdown levels,
* * *
^^^^--- Hmmm, The DARTBOARD has its suspicions!

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XXX-MAS TREATS AND PORNAMENTS

With Christmas just around the corner, especially my corner, you won’t find these in any catalogue – unless it’s published buy Hustler.



White Snow Candy.
Illegal in most states and provinces.
Made in Columbia. (straw not included)

Three Wiseman And a Virgin (xxxvideo).
Mary and the guys under the stars.
They come from the east.

S & M Holiday Punch.
You can beat it!

Red Condoms.
Yule not be sorry.

Naughty Santa.
This jolly fellow touches his North Pole
after some fun with some ho, ho, ho’s.

Mistletoe Underwear.
Make that holiday kiss something special.

Lance the Smiling Gay Snowman.
Why? He just saw the snowblower
coming down his street.

Fireplace Stockings.
Available in crotchless or fishnet.

EverReady Vibrator.
It keeps going and going and going and…

Egg Snog.
(Only available in England)

Dick the Oversexed Snowman.
Why? Look at his snowballs.

Christmas Bush.
See under Christmas undies.

Candy Cane Undies.
So wearable and so edible.



SEASONS GREETINGS
And remember to
COME ALL YE FAITHFUL

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