BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

Dear Dart,

Sorry to bother you. I am currently planning a TRIP to California where I plan on buying some real cool brightly colored clothes and a real cool headband so I can chill-out and listen to my Woodstock albums. Can you get into it and dig it?

Can you be real cool and tell me where I can get such items?

Ellis Dee
San Francisco

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Dear E.D.,

Too words: TIMOTHY LEARY IS DEAD and CHARLES MANSON IS IN JAIL.

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Hello dart,
My problem is that my boyfriend likes to do girly things.

He loves wearing bras and panties and putting ribbons in his hair. Watching Twilight movies are his latest passion. He even likes to bake me cookies. To make this situation really bad, every month, like clockwork, he gets real mean and cranky for a few days.

Could you please help me fix him because I’m getting really poor for having to pay for him at restaurants and having to ask his parents for their permission to take him out on dates.

Eva Destuction
Hellhole

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Dear E.D.,

Have you ever thought of becoming a lesbian?

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BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

Hey DART,

Help! I’m a 30 year old virgin and I met this girl named Marie about 2 ½ years ago who is now one of my best friends.
I’ve always been sexually attracted to her and would like things to go further between us.
We kissed once about a year ago, which led to a long talk where she said she didn’t want to ruin our outstanding friendship with this.
I’m not sure if this was bullshit (oops, sorry about the language) or not, but either way, I’m still only in the “just friend” zone with her.

I’ve never really had a close girl FRIEND that way before, and definitely not one that I have done “the nasty” with.
How can I go about seeing if this "nasty" thing could happen without compromising our long friendship?

HELP! TELL ME are there clues I can look for to see if she has the same kind of romantic interest in me?


Jenn Till
Heartbreak Motel,
Memphis, Tennessee
(no number)
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Okay Till, here's deal

Here are THE DARTBOARD top clues 10 to know if she’s interested.

10 – She keeps rubbing her crotch when she hears your name mentioned.

9 – She drools when you both pass a mattress store.

8 – She gets tattoos on her body that match your handprints..

7 – She buys camera because she wants to see what you look like naked.

6 – She squeezes your boobs instead of using the car horn.

5 – She tells you she’s leaving her husband and kids as well as breaking up with her boyfriend the butcher to be with you.

4 – She asks you if she could come over and bathe in your sink.

3 – Instead of asking you “do you want pizza with me?”, she ask “do you want a piece of me?”

2 – She shows you the porn film she stars in.

and the #1 way to know she’s interested in you is when….

1 – she nicknames you my pussy, my whore, or my bitch,

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BULLSEYE -> asking dart the questions that really matter

Dear Dart,

I am writing to tell all and defend Tiger Woods. I have known the superstar hole-in-oner for a number of years (lucky 7) and I have never seen or known him to do anything that I would see as vulgar, sleazy, X-rated, base, blue, boorish, cheap, coarse, common, contemptible, crude, dirty, disgusting, dishonorable, filthy, fractious, gross, hard-core, ignoble, impolite, improper, indecent, indecorous, indelicate, inferior, low, malicious, nasty, naughty, obscene, odious, off-color, profane, raw, repulsive, ribald, risqué, rough, scatological, slippery, smutty, sneaking, soft-core, sordid, suggestive, tasteless, tawdry, uncouth, unmannerly, unrefined, unworthy, or villainous.

As his caddy I have washed his balls and often touched his putter and he always thanked me for that. As well as tipping, sometimes more than A BUCK. Being the true gentleman he is, it was his way of saying “job well done”.

If Tiger has any ghosts in his many visited Motel 6 closets, they are most likely sheets left over from a previous KKK meeting,

Sorry Dart, I have no question.

Phil Ofchit


Dear, dear P.O.,

For that, I have no answer.

You worthless, abject, barren, base, bogus, cheap, contemptible, counterproductive, despicable, empty, futile, good-for-nothing, ignoble, inconsequential, ineffective, ineffectual, inferior, insignificant, inutile, meaningless, mediocre, miserable, no-account, no-good, nothing, paltry, pointless, poor, profitless, sterile, trashy, trifling, trivial, unavailing, unessential, unimportant, unproductive, unprofitable, unusable, useless, valueless, waste, and wretched piece of suck up.

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THE BULLSEYE (asking Dart the real questions that really matter)

Dart:

Just a personal question that’s been bothering me all day today.
What king of name is DART? Is it foreign or something?
Or maybe, when you were born your parents, having a real good sense of humor, thought naming you DART would have people laughing at you all your life? Is there any chance I could meet you?
Cheers,
S. Hole

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Dear Hole,
Love to meet you! And when we do I hope you stand real close. That way I can turn you around and kick your ass.

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THE BULLSEYE (asking Dart the real questions that really matter)

dear Dart,

URGENT: I need your help. My marriage is in deep trouble. How deep? Deeper than than Marianas Trench. Here's the 20/20. I recently bought a life insurance policy on myself for a million dollars, my wife I listed as the beneficiary.

Since then she's become very mean to me. NO sex, NO drugs, not even any rock 'n' roll. I think she may even be trying to kill me by poisoning me. Today she laughed and made me a drink she said I'll never forget. What shall i do?

Barry Mee

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B.M., you sound like a chronic complainer. The only way to put your suspicions to rest is by drinking it.

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