holy smoke?

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WHAT KIND OF PERV ARE YOU?

Ladies & Gentleman, PLEASE tick off all that apply:

o Smoked pot
o Washed a pot

o Went to a church to get sex
o Went to a church because of sex

o Woke up with someone you didn’t know
o Woke up with ten people you didn’t know

o Paid for sex with money
o Paid for sex with bus fare

o Had sex with a doctor
o Saw a doctor about sex

o Paid a stripper to lap dance
o Got paid as a stripper to lap dance

o Got spanked before good sex
o Got spanked after bad sex

o Used a toy before sex
o Got used as a toy during sex

o Had sex with someone of the same sex
o Had sex with someone whose sex you didn’t know

o Had sex in your parent’s bed
o Had sex in your baby’s crib

o Had sex while drunk
o Got drunk after sex



There are no right or wrongs answers to this examination. You have only yourself, your conscience, and guilt that you have to live with -- your answers will tell how bad you really are.

BUT, if checked off more than 11 (eleven), don’t you ever, EVER, ever come (or consider to come) to my house for dinner, breakfast, lunch or EVEN A SNACK -- you are an absolutely worthless piece of scum.

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Are you smarter than a cheese grater?

1. The Pope lives in the Vatican because
a) it's close to some fine Italian restaurants.
b) "cheap rent, lotsa space".
c) the Bible tells him so.

2. When Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492, he
a) realized it would be faster if he flew.
b) was scouting new locations for bullfights.
c) didn't need to bring his passport.

3. 23 + 11 + 4 + 85 =
a) 23 + 11 + 4 + 85.
b) my cell phone number.
c) a soduko solution.

4. The capital of Japan is
a) "J".
b) too far to walk.
c) a bad place for pizza.

5. The "W" in George W. Bush stands for
a) the national anthem.
b) Who.
c) an upside down "M".



6. An Amtrak train leaves Chicago going east at 1:45 P.M., while another train leaves New York City traveling westbound at 2:15 P.M. They are both on the same track. Where will they meet?
a) @ Starbucks for a latte.
b) somewhere along the way.
c) heaven.

7. The chemical symbol for water is
a) Evian.
b) clear.
c) ice when frozen.

8. The letters DNA stand for
a) “Do Not Alter”.
b) a jumble for DAN.
c) Polish for "no!”

9. Uranus is
a) a polite way of saying "your bum".
b) a word that makes me blush.
c) both a) and b).


10. "To be or not to be" is
a) an opening line from Jerry Seinfeld.
b) a mathematical formula.
c) a possible answer to this quiz.


ANSWERS:

There are no right answers.
By completely this quiz, you are officially, no doubt, a GRATER: A tool with which one grates, especially cheese.

You don’t understand?

Translations:

Finnish: riivinrauta, raastinrauta, raastin
Italian: grattugia
Latin: radula
Maltese: ħakkieka
Polish: tarka
Russian: тёрка /t'órka/
Spanish: rallador

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CAN YOU BE A PORN STAR?

With all the star searching for the next idols, the reality is there is no new porn idol we know of. FACE IT! You are probably asking yourself and wondering why you have been ignored so long – “why can’t I be the one to be the next big new porn star”.

So you think you're ready?

Have you've got what it takes?

Whether you're a he or a she, a she-he or a he-she -- you know you've thought about it!

You may have even privately practiced a few in-out/out-in moves at home with your videocam (maybe even with a partner).

NOW, before you pack up, and move into a damp motel room, and get famous, take a few minutes and see how you rate as an "adult" film star.

ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS WITH AN "X" (obviously!)

1/ Before entering an adult video store, I always:
(a) Put on a disguise, look both ways to & check if anyone saw me arrive.
(b) Put on a pair of surgical gloves, mask, and a condom.
(c) Check myself out in the mirror to see how cool I look in sunglasses.

2/ If the clerk says "can I help you" I always respond :
(a) "do I look like a pervert?"
(b) "I'm here for a friend"
(c) "don't you have anything stronger than this!"

3/ My favorite time for sex is :
(a) After a good healthy meal
(b) During a good healthy meal
(c) Instead of a good healthy meal

4/ Regarding having dirty steamy sex, it usually takes me at least 30 minutes to :
(a) Get enough courage to buy a condom.
(b) Find a partner
(c) Remember who I am with

5/ After an embarrassing sexual session, I usually :
(a) Call my mother and then to Jerry Springer
(b) Blame it on my religion
(c) Deny! Deny! Deny!

6/ Complete the sentence; "wham, bam, thank you,_________ .
(a) Good night!"
(b) How much?"
(c) You're welcome!"

7/ My favorite sexual position is :
(a) Alone.
(b) Very difficult for me to spell & pronounce.
(c) Illegal in 7 european countries and three provinces.

8/ To me, "group sex" means :
(a) Sex involving all the members of Aerosmith or the Pussycat Dolls.
(b) Somebody misspelled "grope".
(c) Bringing a "HI I'M" name tag.

9/ When I hear someone say they have "12 inches", I think :
(a) WOW! What a bad snowfall.
(b) what the metric equivalent would be.
(c) Is that all?

10/ In a sex shoppe, you'll find me :
(a) In the "8 items or less" line,
(b) Working there.
(c) Buying some extra long-lasting rechargeable batteries.
-------------------------------------




Evaluation:
for every (a) answer
give yourself 10 points.

for every (b) answer
give yourself 100 points.

for every (c) answer
give yourself 1000 points.

* * *




What does your score mean:

UNDER 100 POINTS:
Go back to school and take a math course.

BETWEEN 100 AND 10,000 POINTS:
Wash your hands, brush your teeth, and get dressed!
Don't just sit there! You should be running out the door to get your name changed to DICK L'ARGE or LOTTA AKSHUN !!!!
It's time to start thinking what people will say when they see you perform and dream about being naughty with you. YES -- the next time you hear the word "Action", you will be the star on a film set, with naked people, and that's exactly what you will be getting (some "ACTION").

OVER 10,000 POINTS:
Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!

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LADIES!!! HOW HORNY ARE YOU?

(a quick test – just for you)



Ladies, be honest and answer all questions without any outside help. If you’re logic is to think “what would Oprah do?” – that’s cheating!



If I tell my friends that “I got 12 inches last night”,
I mean

1 - It was a heavy snow storm.
2 - I bought a new ruler.


If I wake up in a big wet spot, it means

1 - It’s time to get a new waterbed.
2 - The tent leaks.


My favourite place to pick up men is

1 - Off the floor.
2 - When it’s a book and the word is in the title


My sexiest piece of clothing

1 - Has a label from Wal-Mart.
2 - Is a hand-me-down from my mom.


After I reach an orgasm, I

1 - Turn off the DVD.
2 - Stop the stopwatch.


When a man sees me fully naked for the fist time, he says

1 - “What now?”
2 - “Are you naked yet?”


Glow in the dark condoms are great for

1 - Drug stores to make lots of money.
2 - Making balloons animals in the dark.


My favourite sex toy

1 - Was recently buried in the backyard by my Chihuahua “Pepi”.
2 - Came from Toys R Us.


When referring to my g-spot, I mean

1 - The line of numbers on my bingo card before “O”.
2 - My parking place on the Ground floor.

EVALUATION:



For every “1” answer give yourself 10 points.

The “2” answer will give you 20 points.

Add them all up and you will realize that this quiz has no point

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