Showing posts with label laugh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laugh. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
How To Know Your Dating A Moron
Favorite foreign restaurant is McDonalds (Scottish)
Going to the dance means watching ballet
Ask you go shopping with them for groceries
Wears their iPod during the entire date.
Brings tarot cards.
Leaves to go to the washroom during a movie and can’t find their way back.
Keeps asking you to borrow your cell phone to win concert tickets.
Ask you if it’s ok to name their favorite pet after you.
Brings a book to read while travelling.
Avoids stepping on sidewalk cracks for fear of breaking mother’s back.
Private parts are named after themselves with “little” (e.g. Little Dick, Little Virginia).
Are you smarter than a cheese grater?
1. The Pope lives in the Vatican because
a) it's close to some fine Italian restaurants.
b) "cheap rent, lotsa space".
c) the Bible tells him so.
2. When Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492, he
a) realized it would be faster if he flew.
b) was scouting new locations for bullfights.
c) didn't need to bring his passport.
3. 23 + 11 + 4 + 85 =
a) 23 + 11 + 4 + 85.
b) my cell phone number.
c) a soduko solution.
4. The capital of Japan is
a) "J".
b) too far to walk.
c) a bad place for pizza.
5. The "W" in George W. Bush stands for
a) the national anthem.
b) Who.
c) an upside down "M".
6. An Amtrak train leaves Chicago going east at 1:45 P.M., while another train leaves New York City traveling westbound at 2:15 P.M. They are both on the same track. Where will they meet?
a) @ Starbucks for a latte.
b) somewhere along the way.
c) heaven.
7. The chemical symbol for water is
a) Evian.
b) clear.
c) ice when frozen.
8. The letters DNA stand for
a) “Do Not Alter”.
b) a jumble for DAN.
c) Polish for "no!”
9. Uranus is
a) a polite way of saying "your bum".
b) a word that makes me blush.
c) both a) and b).
10. "To be or not to be" is
a) an opening line from Jerry Seinfeld.
b) a mathematical formula.
c) a possible answer to this quiz.
ANSWERS:
There are no right answers.
By completely this quiz, you are officially, no doubt, a GRATER: A tool with which one grates, especially cheese.
You don’t understand?
Translations:
Finnish: riivinrauta, raastinrauta, raastin
Italian: grattugia
Latin: radula
Maltese: ħakkieka
Polish: tarka
Russian: тёрка /t'órka/
Spanish: rallador
a) it's close to some fine Italian restaurants.
b) "cheap rent, lotsa space".
c) the Bible tells him so.
2. When Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492, he
a) realized it would be faster if he flew.
b) was scouting new locations for bullfights.
c) didn't need to bring his passport.
3. 23 + 11 + 4 + 85 =
a) 23 + 11 + 4 + 85.
b) my cell phone number.
c) a soduko solution.
4. The capital of Japan is
a) "J".
b) too far to walk.
c) a bad place for pizza.
5. The "W" in George W. Bush stands for
a) the national anthem.
b) Who.
c) an upside down "M".
6. An Amtrak train leaves Chicago going east at 1:45 P.M., while another train leaves New York City traveling westbound at 2:15 P.M. They are both on the same track. Where will they meet?
a) @ Starbucks for a latte.
b) somewhere along the way.
c) heaven.
7. The chemical symbol for water is
a) Evian.
b) clear.
c) ice when frozen.
8. The letters DNA stand for
a) “Do Not Alter”.
b) a jumble for DAN.
c) Polish for "no!”
9. Uranus is
a) a polite way of saying "your bum".
b) a word that makes me blush.
c) both a) and b).
10. "To be or not to be" is
a) an opening line from Jerry Seinfeld.
b) a mathematical formula.
c) a possible answer to this quiz.
ANSWERS:
There are no right answers.
By completely this quiz, you are officially, no doubt, a GRATER: A tool with which one grates, especially cheese.
You don’t understand?
Translations:
Finnish: riivinrauta, raastinrauta, raastin
Italian: grattugia
Latin: radula
Maltese: ħakkieka
Polish: tarka
Russian: тёрка /t'órka/
Spanish: rallador
Friday, December 4, 2009
SUSAN BOYLE -- what's she's really thinking
Hope Simon notices I’m not wearing underpants.
Can hardly wait until I get a cell phone so I can start sexting.
Where are my groupies – I give up!
This is the only song I know - hope nobody notices.
I will sing for a two Big Macs, large fries and a diet coke
It ain’t over till I (the fat lady), sing.
Why do all these make-up people quit when they see me coming?.
Why do people shout “TAXI” when I wear my yellow raincoat?
I miss my gravy!!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
SHAKESPEARE TO CHEER! (the xxx editions)
REMEMBER WILL, the guy from England who wrote a lot of those plays and other stuff you were forced to read in high school. Zzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz! Well, in an attempt to bring his work back on the New York Times' best-seller list, and give students everywhere something else to cyber, DART suggest that someone re-write Mister Bill's old golden oldies, porn-style.
Why is he smiling?
Here are some titles
Twelfth Night In A Row
The Merchant Of Penis
Taming Of The Screw
Romeo And Julie Wet
Ramlot
Much Goo About Nothing
Midsummer Night’s Wet Dream
Merry Wives And Win’s Sore
Love’s Labor Lust
King Leer
Julius Seize Her
As You Lick It
All’s Well In The End’s Well
A Winter’s Tail
Monday, November 30, 2009
GOOD Reasons To DIVORCE
o Can leave lights on.
o Play music as loud as you want.
o Enjoy a tub of Häagen-Dazs with no guilt or need to share.
o Enjoy your own farts.
o Flirting with neighbors is now alright.
o No more waiting for the bathroom.
o Not longer necessary to remember important dates.
o One less Christmas present to buy.
HIGHER RATINGS --- YES!
When JAY LENO moved his show from late night to prime time, he promised the new spot would show us stuff he never did on his previous program. Tell us (show us) more!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
THE BULLSEYE (asking Dart the real questions that really matter)
dear Dart,
URGENT: I need your help. My marriage is in deep trouble. How deep? Deeper than than Marianas Trench. Here's the 20/20. I recently bought a life insurance policy on myself for a million dollars, my wife I listed as the beneficiary.
Since then she's become very mean to me. NO sex, NO drugs, not even any rock 'n' roll. I think she may even be trying to kill me by poisoning me. Today she laughed and made me a drink she said I'll never forget. What shall i do?
Barry Mee
* * *
B.M., you sound like a chronic complainer. The only way to put your suspicions to rest is by drinking it.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
REASONS NOT TO GO TO CANADA
* 24 hour hockey on radio and tv stations everywhere.
* Waitresses won’t serve you in Quebec unless you order in French.
* You have to lick the back of the Queen of England’s head every time you use a postage stamp.
* Many believe that Justin Timberlake is a good place to go camping.
* The top magazine is called MACLEANS but it is pronounced MACLANES.
* Celine Dione is from Canada.
* They know the plural of MOOSE is Moose.
* They have Provinces not States.
* Saskatchewan is harder to spell than Massachusetts.
* It is far away from Disneyland.
JUST INHALE:
First U.S. marijuana cafe opens in Portland
PORTLAND, Oregon (Reuters) - The United States' first marijuana cafe opened on Friday, posing an early test of the Obama administration's move to relax policing of medical use of the drug.
The CANNABIS CAFE in Portland, Oregon, is the first to give certified medical marijuana users a place to get hold of the drug and smoke it -- as long as they are out of public view -- despite a federal ban.
THE HUFFINGTON POST has some other name suggestions:
• The Grass Hut
• The Dopeteria
• The Weeding Room
• Stoned Depot
• De Pot Depot
• McDoobies
• International House of Potcakes
• The Joint Joint
• Paranoid Eddie's Bakery
• Pottery Barn
MY DARTBOARD had more:
* The Coffee Pot
* Pot Luck
* Go Potty
* Hash Wednesdays
* Pot Of Gold
* Pimps And Hookahs
* Toking Out Loud
* Merry Wannabees
* High Hopes
* Weeder’s Digest
* Splendor In The Grass
* Keep On The Grass
* Weed Be Friends
And the #1 name for a marijuana café:
MY GRASS HOLE
A DARTBOARD Suggestion: Have All The Servers Wear Grass Skirts.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Her name says it all – psyCHICKiki.
Do we need to say more?
She’s a predictor of all – people, place and things (even tomorrow’s weather).
Unlike others, she has two balls (big ones). Her best friends testify that what this “chick” is in fact certifiably “mental”. She shyly brags she has ESPN.
Her predictions are so accurate that not even an old hag at sideshow carnival booth (that yoo've paid ten bucks) would have a hard time matching. Only Al Roeker can claim to do better.
Don’t sit back (or stand up) and don’t say we didn’t advise (alert, caution, warn) you – here is what PSYCHICKIKI says (tells us) about the future!
Tomorrow’s headlines today!
• Lance Armstrong will get a bike for Christmas.
• Someone will tell Victoria’s secret.
• Donald Trump will give donate extra hair to Doctor Phil.
• Jack and Jill will be banned from ski resorts.
• Paris Hilton will have a hotel named after her. The SILLY BITCH INN will have not require reservations.
• Katie Perry will write a kiss and tell book.
• A woman will walk on the moon and leave high heel impressions that will last for millions of years.
• Britney Spears will market her own line of invisible underwear.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
THE BULLSEYE (asking Dart the real questions that really matter)
Hey Dart,
Hope you can help me! This is kind of a personal matter so I hope you can keep it between you and me. I know I can trust you to keep this private because it's just the kind of person you are. There is no one I can trust more than you. If other people knew of my problem it would be devastating. Here is my dilemma. There is a certain man I've fallen in love with. I only see him on Sundays and then only briefly. When I sleep all I think and dream about is him on top of me. I wake up in a sweat screaming "JESUS CHRIST". I tried praying about this but it doesn't work. More of my secret is that I'm also a virgin so I'm worried that if we ever connected I'd be clumsy and scare him away. I know our relationship would work because we both like the same music, as well as reading the same book, over, and over, and over again, and spend endless hours discussing it with others. I need your wisdom to help me. Do you have any tips how I could get myself laid? AMEN
Sister Mary Little Lamb
------------------
Listen Sister, I don't have any tips. I'm not a waitress or a racetrack bookie! I could easily tell you to "go to hell" but you probably already have a first class ticket with a window seat reserved. Say HI to LUCI for me!!!
Hope you can help me! This is kind of a personal matter so I hope you can keep it between you and me. I know I can trust you to keep this private because it's just the kind of person you are. There is no one I can trust more than you. If other people knew of my problem it would be devastating. Here is my dilemma. There is a certain man I've fallen in love with. I only see him on Sundays and then only briefly. When I sleep all I think and dream about is him on top of me. I wake up in a sweat screaming "JESUS CHRIST". I tried praying about this but it doesn't work. More of my secret is that I'm also a virgin so I'm worried that if we ever connected I'd be clumsy and scare him away. I know our relationship would work because we both like the same music, as well as reading the same book, over, and over, and over again, and spend endless hours discussing it with others. I need your wisdom to help me. Do you have any tips how I could get myself laid? AMEN
Sister Mary Little Lamb
------------------
Listen Sister, I don't have any tips. I'm not a waitress or a racetrack bookie! I could easily tell you to "go to hell" but you probably already have a first class ticket with a window seat reserved. Say HI to LUCI for me!!!
LADIES FIGHT BACK -- how to combat pick-up lines
Maybe you’ve heard them before or maybe even tried them? In any case -- a good defense is as, maybe better, than a good offence.
Try these answers to some familiar unasked for advances:
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized !
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Try these answers to some familiar unasked for advances:
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized !
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
THE BULLS EYE (asking Dart the real questions that REALLY matter)
Hey Dart,
How is that every time I read your page I see spots in front of my eyes. I had a dog (a dalmatian named Barf) and the same thing happened, so I traded him for food and cigarettes. Not being a smoker, I am very confused as what to do next.
Anna Rexic
------
Anna, Anna, Anna, first things first, learn to start smoking immediately and heavily. This is easy and will benefit you greatly by decreasing your remaining years on this planet most people call Earth. And then PRESTO -- no more seeing spots.
How is that every time I read your page I see spots in front of my eyes. I had a dog (a dalmatian named Barf) and the same thing happened, so I traded him for food and cigarettes. Not being a smoker, I am very confused as what to do next.
Anna Rexic
------
Anna, Anna, Anna, first things first, learn to start smoking immediately and heavily. This is easy and will benefit you greatly by decreasing your remaining years on this planet most people call Earth. And then PRESTO -- no more seeing spots.
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