the DARTBOARD interview: Miley Cyrus

DbD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Miley Cyrus.
Is it okay to call you Miley?

Miley Cyrus: No I prefer you call me Hannah or Miss Montana, or Hannah Montana. Big shout to my cousins, Hanah Alabama, Hanah California, Hannah Alaska and my Canadian cousin Hannah Alberta.

Miley Cyrus: Hey girls!

DbD: By the way did you ride your bike to come over here today?

Miley Cyrus: No, I took my surfboard. My daddy won’t let me on my bike after I fell off and broke some of my front teeth. Do you know how much front teeth cost?

DbD: Probable expensive.

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, and you multiple that times 50 front teeth and I need a good hit record pronto.

DbD: You’re going to be 18 this year, that’s legal age. Any plans for your birthday?

Miley Cyrus: Get drunk with my dad, OOPS, I mean go to Chuck E. Cheese. Maybe do a home video with my boyfriend, like Paris Hilton did, OOPS, will my dad be reading this?

DbD: Hope so.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, what I meant was do a video like Minnie Mouse.

DbD: Speaking of your dad, you two are very similar, both being successful country singers and…

Miley Cyrus: Sorry, I don’t think so. There is a BIG difference -- like I ride, or used to, ride a girl’s bike and he rides a boy’s bike. He grows hair and my face, I don’t. He’s married to my mommy, I’m not. He pees standing up, I don’t. That’s not the same is it? Not even close.

DbD: Are you dating right now?

Miley Cyrus: I never do that.

DbD: Never date?

Miley Cyrus: Oh date, I thought you said mate. If I was mating, my daddy would hog-tie me and throw me to the dogs.

DbD: Does it bother you having all these front teeth?

Miley Cyrus: Comes in really handy when my mommy makes some corn on the cob.

DbD: We read that you write many of your own songs.

Miley Cyrus: Sorry, that’s not true. I print them.

DbD: Your movie was in 3D who’s idea was that?

Miley Cyrus: That was mine, I wanted to make my boobs look bigger.

DbD: Miley…

Miley Cyrus: That’s Hannah, Montana, MONTANA!

DbD: Wherever. Good-bye.


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THE DARTBOARD very exclusive INTERVIEW: Nadya "OCTOMOM" Suleman

DARTBOARD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Nadya. And I see you brought your 14 children with you.

OCTOMOM: Yes I did. You notice they all have name tags on them so I can tell them apart. All babies look alike as you probably know. When I first saw the last eight on the ultrasound – they all looked the same. They had to have one of those big screen jobs so I could see all of them looking alike.

Can I introduce them to you?

DARTBOARD: Sure

OCTOMOM: Okay, first this is Eenie, then Meennie, Miny, and Moe, then there’s Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Bashful, and Grumpy, and in the back is Curly, Larry, Moe and Ringo.

DARTBOARD: That’s 15. I thought you had 14.

OCTOMOM: I do. One of them is not mine. I’m babysitting one for a friend.

DARTBOARD: Which one?

OCTOMOM: To be honest – I don’t remember.

DARTBOARD: Nevermind.

OCTOMOM: I don’t.

DARTBOARD: Mind if I ask a question?

OCTOMOM: That is a question.

DARTBOARD: How do you manage to feed all these little ones?

OCTOMOM: Easy – I rent a cow.

DARTBOARD: Do you have any plans for yourself?

OCTOMOM: Well if don't get that job working at the circus – I might run for governor of Alaska.

DARTBOARD: Ms Suleman, thanks for coming in.





OCTOMOM: Don’t you want to see me breast feed?

DARTBOARD: No thanks. Good night.

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the dartboard interview: Kim Kardasian

dartboard: We’re just waiting for our guest Kim Kardasian to arrive. Oh, here she is...

Kim: So sorry I’m late. I feel like such an ass. I got rear-ended.

dartboard: A car accident?

Kim: What else?

dartboard: Sorry, just trying to made a bad crack.

Kim: Oh my! You mean my pants are too tight again?

dartboard: Never mind -- have a seat.

Kim: I know I do.

dartboard: By the way, how are things going with your man Reggie Bush?

Kim: Mmmmm I love Bush.

dartboard: Really. We didn’t know that.

Kim: Are you trying to make a bad crack about my favorite number one?

dartboard: No. Maybe. Everybody knows that Reggie is your favorite number two. By the way during football season and Reggie’s away playing ball, what do you do to keep busy?

Kim: Oh, I think of him day and night, night and day, while sucking on cucumbers and bananas.

dartboard: Too much information. Do you play football?

Kim: I’ve always like being a tight end.

dartboard: Tell us more, do you play in bed?

Kim: Reggie is really good at getting turn-overs and is really good at playing in the end zone, but

dartboard: Butt?

Kim: But, but, I prefer baseball. I love being the catcher.

dartboard: Won’t get there either.

Kim: Sorry, but really got to be going. I’m running behind, big time.

dartboard: What’s up?

Kim: I’m having a barbeque.

dartboard: Thought you were vegetarian?

Kim: I am -- I don’t cook hamburgers but people love my buns.

dartboard: And so do we.

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INTERVIEWS for DUMMIES

At one time or another, we all have had to look for a employment. During this tedious process, after answering the ad, you might even be lucky enough to be called in for an interview.

Answering these interview questions may be the number one factor to whether or not you will be on that job next week.

To help you with this scarey process, you can relax.

THE DARTBOARD is here to the rescue!

Here we will give you the questions and as well as the answers that will not only nail the interview for you but also will have the interviewer (as well as everyone else) talking about you for decades.



Q#1 - How long have you been looking for a job?
(Concern – is there something wrong with you that other employers have picked up?)

A#1 - “Ummmm, what time is it?”

A#1a - “Soon after my mom told me to pay rent or get out.”

(for the men) A#1c – “Last night, when I saw there was a strip joint across the street.”

(for the women) A#1d – “After the strip joint across the street closed.”


Q#2 How did you prepare for this interview?
(Concern – are you interested enough to do some research, or are you going to “wing it”?)

(for the women) A# 2a –“Doesn’t my new rack tell you anything?”

(for the men) A#2b – “I wrote ‘Dear Abby’ and watched ‘The View’. ”


Q#3 - What is your salary expectation for this job?
(Concern – Can we afford you? Can we get you for less than budgeted?)

A#3 – “Mmmm salary, I love it in a salad.”


Q#4 - How do you keep current and informed about your job and the industries that you have worked in?
(Concern – Once you get the job do you continue to learn and grow – stay
challenged and motivated?)

A#4 - “I watch late night TV monologues.”


Q#5 - Tell me about a time when you had to plan and coordinate a project from start to finish.
(Concern – behavioral questions – seeking an example of specific past behavior)

A#5 – “I figured out when the best time would be to clean my cat’s litter box and when it's time to change it.”


Q#6 - What kinds of people do you have difficulties working with?
(Concern – ability to be flexible and work in a diverse environment?)

A#6 - “My parents and anyone else who tells me what to do.”


Q#7 - We expect managers to work more than 8 hours a day.
Do you have a problem with that?
(Concern – are you a work-aholic or a person who requires balance?)

A#7 - “No problem – as long as I’m outta here for last call.”


Q#8 - When have you been most satisfied in your career?
(Concern – what motivates you? Or demotivates you?)

A#8 - “When I told my last boss to take his job and shove it.”


Q#9 - Why do you want this job?
(Concern – are you using the shot-gun approach to job search or do you really know what you want?)

A#9 – “To save you time – nobody else would want it.”


Q#10 - We are ready to make an offer. Are you ready to accept today?
(Concern – we don’t want you to go away and think about it and change your mind – we want you.)

A#10 - “Can I get the cash now - I don't trust you.”

+ +

Follow these A’s after these Q’s and you’re in the door.

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THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Mariah Carey -- she gets BUSTED!

DARTBOARD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD Mariah Carey.

MARIAH: Thank you, can I sit down?

DARTBOARD: Sure. Just wondering, do you read what the newspapers, gossip magazines, and entertainment shows, say about you?

MARIAH: I try to keep abreast of that.

DARTBOARD: What about what happened recently at that awards show where you appeared to be drunk?

MARIAH: Oh that – yes that, I feel like such a boob about that.

DARTBOARD: People said some pretty mean things about you.

MARIAH: I know I have my knockers.

DARTBOARD: I hear your making a new movie with some special effects in it. Can you tell us anything about it?
MARIAH: Sorry, all I can tell you it it will be more than exciting than 3D or triple D as I size it up.

DARTBOARD: I can see that.

MARIAH: I noticed you drove here in your new car.

DARTBOARD: Yes. I got cause it’s very safe, it has huge airbags.

DARTBOARD: Good looking car.

MARIAH: Yeah, Notice the big set of headlights.

DARTBOARD: I did. Where were you coming from?

MARIAH: Oh I was having some a fruit at a restaurant.

DARTBOARD: You like fruit?

MARIAH: I love my melons and my coconuts really stand out.

DARTBOARD: OK.

MARIAH: And they have fresh ones at Hooters. And they have the most delicious cold iced tea.

DARTBOARD: Is that your favorite drink?

MARIAH: Oh yes, I have big jugs at home.

DARTBOARD: I heard you’re on your way to the airport. Going to France?

MARIAH: Oooooo yes, I love to tan at Cannes.

DARTBOARD: Have Fun.

MARIAH: Ciao. And big ta-tas to all my fans.

DARTBOARD: Thanks for nipping in.

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the DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Jessica Simpson

D.B.: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Jessica Simpson.

JESSICA : Darn it, I been practicing at home and I forgot to bring my darts.

D.B.: Sorry this is actually an internet site called THE DARTBOARD.

JESSICA : The internet? Is that thing still going?

D.B.: Sure is.

JESSICA : Hmmm, maybe I should buy one.



D.B.: Maybe you should. To start, did you have any role models that you modeled your acting career on?

JESSICA : Oh ya, definitely.

D.B.: Who would that be?

JESSICA : I always wanted to be the next Ellie-May Clampet of the Beverly Hillbillies.

D.B.: Interesting.
So Jessica, I think we all want to know, what’s new relationship-wise?

JESSICA : Relations? Oh, Ashley is is fine.

D.B.: Sorry we meant how are the MEN in your life.

JESSICA : Oh the men. Daddy’s doing fine and Nick and I are still divorced

D.B.: You’re been quoted as saying “skinny models make me puke” – are you doing anything about that?

JESSICA : Eating more and staying away from long bus trips and bumpy plane rides. And momma’s grits of course. Sorry momma!

D.B.: Can we talk about your movies?

JESSICA : Sure thing.

D.B.: What was it like making the re-make of THE DUKES OF HAZZARD.

JESSICA : My daddy told me if you can’t say anything nice about something then don’t say anything at all.

D.B. : Okay, what about EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH?

JESSICA : No comment.

D.B. : BLONDE AMBITION?

JESSICA : No comment.

D.B. : Didn’t you also appear in THE LOVE GURU playing yourself?

JESSICA : That was hard. No comment.

D.B. : How about your TV shows with NICK LACHEY?

JESSICA : No comment.

D.B. : Jessica, I think this interview is over.

JESSICA : Are you telling me that my boots, or my boobs, are made for walking.

D.B. : Yup, sure do, both of them.

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THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: DART POKES while LADY PAM -- she SPAMS

DARTBOARD: Welcome Pam. A.

PAMELA ANDERSON: Thank you it’s always great to be on television.

D: Sorry, this isn’t TV.

P.A.: Radio then, I just love talking on the radio. I love Howard Stern.

D: Sorry Ms. Anderson, wrong again. Sorry this isn’t radio.

P.A.: Then what is this? I don’t just not wear a bra for everyone. Well I do but…

D: Sorry to interrupt but, the DARTBOARD is a webpage. People will be reading this like a book.

P.A.: A book?

D: Yes a book, that you read.

P.A.: Ok. I think I was told about them.

D: We’re getting off track -- let’s get to business. What do we owe this interview to? Are you here to talk your d-cups and your coffee shops?

P.A.: I’m always doing that, you see them, you like them, they’re new ones.

D: Yes good job, they look real. So what brings you here to the DARTBOARD.

P.A.: My sports car, a brand new pink Porche convertible. I has it made special for me.

D: Top down?

P.A.: Every chance I get!

D: Right, that’s obvious. Big headlights too, I bet.

P.A.: Huh?

D: What I meant was, are you here to promote something, a new movie? Maybe a Baywatch reunion, a Playboy cover, a new TV series?

P.A.: None of the above.

D: Then I assume you’re here to talk about PETA?

P.A.: You mean People who Eat Tasty Animals. Nope I’m here because I realized, and so did others, that it’s business that I’m built for.

D: No argument there.

P.A.: I’m here to announce the opening of my new massage parlor.

D: But P.A., you must realize that there are many of those already around here.

P.A.: Yes, but mine will be different.

D: How’s that?

P.A.: Mine will be self-serve.

D: Pamela Anderson.

P.A.: Yes?

D: Good bye!

P.A.: Yes, there will be, half-price opening special. Just mention my name. Hope everybody comes.

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OUT OF (birth) CONTROL

Going through our massive files, filing cabinets (6 drawers high) and endless archives and overflowing garbage bins, THE DARTBOARD found this lost chat between the DART and the now famous, then advice-seeking, OCTOMOM, before she gained that meaningful and descriptive title that made her, and TMZ, and Doctor Phil, famous.

She had some questions that hopefully THE DART could answer.

OCTOMOM: I'm two months pregnant with my first baby now. When will my baby move?
DART: With any luck, right after his/her/its 16th birthday or after he/she/it finishes college.

OCTOMOM: With your expertise, what is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
DART: Childbirth.

OCTOMOM: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
DART: Yes, another pregnancy.

OCTOMOM: Being two months pregnant, I'm at times very moody and sometimes borderline irrational.
DART: So what's your question? YOU STUPID DUMB BITCH!

OCTOMOM: Do I have to have a baby shower?
DART: Not if you change their diapers often.

OCTOMOM: Do you think it’s alright to have a baby after 25?
DART: No, 25 children is enough.

DART: Where are you going? Did your water break? Hey you, WAIT A MINUTE, SIT DOWN -- you owe me money for this consultation!!!

DART: OCTO-BITCH!

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